Wedding Traditions...

That we don't think we are doing...

• Married in your home parish - it simply meant more to us to be in an environment filled with awe inspiring beauty ... barely touched by man and created by God
• Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue - really? what is the point
• Father giving the bride away - I am an independent woman... separated from my father for quite some time. I can give myself away to the man I love.
• White aisle runner - It is a church... you don't get much more significance of walking on holy ground than that.
  
• Unity Candle - We are quite comfortable that the two of us will have family unity (the large candle)... but there is really no reason to pretend like there is this unending unity between our individual families (the smaller ones). Besides - because everyone else is doing it, is not reason enough to have it be part of our wedding.
• Waltz or traditional 1st dance - we aren't traditional people. Smashing Pumpkins speaks to us so that is what we will dance to.
• Garter Belt toss - Honestly, a garter is a piece of lingerie, I don't need mine tossed to the single friends and relatives attending my wedding.
• Bouquet toss - what is the point. It means nothing and highlights each woman's singleness, some of whom may be proud and some ashamed. Why bother?
• Grand exit - we don't plan on leaving, we intend to finish off the night with our guests who traveled far to be there... not leave them there to wind down the night alone
• Throwing of confetti- it's to with the couple a fruitful union... but honestly it's impractical. Our loved ones can just pray that we have one instead.
• Tying shoes/cans to the car - we are sleeping in the hotel that the reception is being held. It would serve no purpose.
• Carrying the bride over the threshold- we'll see, Paul'd have to pick me up 1st
• Honeymoon - with a destination wedding, it's just impractical
• Veil - I still don't know if I want to wear one
• White - I'm still pure though not chaste but we don't need everything to be white to show that.
• Lasso - though a Hispanic and Filipino tradition, we wont be doing it
• Visit to Mary - though I pray to Mary often, I wont be walking to her with my mother during the ceremony
• Pinning of money to the garment - get real
• Veil ceremony - I don't like it's symbolism
• I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that immediately crossed my mind
  

Weekend Was Tough

This past weekend was really tough. Friday night, Paul and I had a couples massage scheduled for when I got out of work. I was really looking forward to some one on one date night action before he moved back to Boston. Instead he called up all his friends and asked them to come out for drinks. Instead of finding a place and sticking to it, we wandered around the city disappointed in each bar. I was 2 minutes away from hailing a cab and going home. I felt aggravated, frustrated, disappointed and in a sense, not good enough for Friday night company. I know Paul wanted to see his friends, but really?

Well there was still Saturday right? NOT! Friday Paul's Mom emailed me regarding his sister's birthday in PA. Paul so happened to forget to ask me about it. In the end we both thought it was only right that we attend. I love this sister of his. I love all his siblings, particularly the one's in PA. The relationship has been strained from the start (no fault of Paul's) and bridging this gaps are a good start on forming an ever closer bond. Unfortunately, the party lasted all day and we weren't home till past midnight. I had to go grab a Papa's car because Paul was taking mine. In the end, we went to bed and at 5AM Paul was out the door moving to Boston.... on the anniversary of my grandpa's death... only 2 years ago.

So yeah... I was sad all weekend. I was upset in the morning. I was worried how I'd be emotionally. With my mom not talking to my sister and me, my sister in FL and my grandma in VA - I was just ... alone.

I got through the day with little drama but lots of anxiety. I was sad about my grandpa but instead of really - REALLY thinking about him, I ended up thinking about my Mom and my little brother and sister. They were at church and when I went to them to say hello, my mother shunned me. I didn't let it stop me, I grabbed her cheek and kissed it hello. I will be respectful - and then whatever she does... you cannot pin that on me. What hurt me was my brother and sister who so fear my mother's wrath, actually ignored me and turned away from me. They were headed to my Uncle's for a BBQ. I was invited as well... and I went. I didn't care if my Mother ignored me, I was going to breath in ever second I could of my brother and sister before she again took them away from me.

Paul's Mom was with me at church and was invited to the BBQ as well. She stopped by for an hour or two. While there my Mom put on a fantastic show... as usual. She put her entertaining smile on and began to schmooze like only plastic can do. She even addressed me... of course only to boss me around. It's pathetic... this life with my family.

But I was happy... because I got to see my brother and sister and soak up hugs, stories, smells... love.

I went home and eventually went to bed. Monday morning means work... and it was a day filled with wedding talk, work talk, and tiredness. I felt I needed a much deserved manicure and pedicure but while sitting in the nail salon my grandma called. She got some bad news from the doctor. They want to perform an angiogram and put in a stent. She doesn't want the procedure done. She wants to discuss it with me... likely because she has no one else to talk to with my Mom not talking to her, her eldest son turning his back on her, and her youngest being stubborn and controlling. My sister falls apart and gets upset and angry every time she shares bad news... so it falls on my lap. But my lap is full, my heart is strained, my mind is confused and by supporting so many... I'm left unsupported.

I called Paul hoping to get some support - hoping for some relief, but he only made it worse. He was trying to tell me what to do. He was comparing my situation to that of his parents. He was fighting with me. Instead of just being there. Instead of just being supportive. Instead of just reassuring me that I'm not alone and that he'd help me every step of the way in any way he could. Instead of just saying... it will all be okay. Instead he finished with "Just face the facts! You are the only one! SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!"

Yep, you heard right... that is what he said to me after I pleaded with him to just please be quiet, not try to tell me what to do and instead just support me. And that sent me over the edge. That sent me spiraling down. I cursed at him and hung up the phone. No - not the best course of action. But, it was all I could do. I couldn't control it anymore. I hung up and cried.

Before I even spoke to him... I signed up and got pre-approval from my mental health insurance. I need to go back. I need to talk to someone who will actually listen. It's sad that I need to PAY someone to do this rather than having someone who loves me enough to try and do it on their own. But it's okay. I'm willing to go back. Right now ... it's all too much to bear and I feel myself falling apart and feeling sorry for myself. I can't continue to step in and be strong for everyone if I can no longer be strong for myself.

So far no calls back from any doctors in the area that can help... but I'll keep on trying and hopefully I'll find someone at a convienient location who can help me.

I miss my Papa... and I miss who my Grandma was before he passed away. I miss the life we lead before this all happened. I miss the family that only lives in my memories.

RIP Papa 08.29.08

Please Listen to Me

This is the letter I spoke about earlier. It was taken from our marriage prep book Marriage: Discovery and Encounters

My Beloved,
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell my why I shouldn't feel that way, you are telling me to deny my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me (strange as that may seem).

Listen. All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me. The giving of advice can never take the place of giving of yourself. I'm not helpless...or hopeless!

When you do something for me that I need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear...and weakness. But when you accept the simple fact that I do feel what I feel (no matter how irrational that may seem), then I quit trying to convince you and can get on with trying to understand what's behind my feelings. And when I do, the answers become obvious. And you know what? Your listening made that possible.

Feelings make sense when we try to understand what's behind them. That's why prayer works - sometimes- for people, because God is still and doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself, staying your "silent partner."

So please listen and just hear me. There are important times in our lives when we just need to be heard... not cured.

In anticipation,
Your future spouse.

copyright © 1998 ACTA Publications

What have you learned recently

that has changed the way you live?

This was the latest question on this site

I learned that my relationship with everyone around me is suffering because none of us (including myself) truly listens. What essentially brought this to my attention was pre-cana. I remember hearing all the things Paul had to say, but not until that day did I realize, often times I rarely listen. It's like that saying my 2nd grade teacher used to have us cut out of stenciled letters on colored construction paper and staple above the blackboard "To listen is to hear but to hear is not to listen" or something close to that.

We went home from pre-cana with a new perspective of each other and continued to do the workbook. Paul came across a letter to a spouse about listening. We both found it to be really thought provoking. I won't get into that now. Maybe I'll publish it soon and share it with you. It's seriously genius.

After all this listening and communication talk I realized that much of the time, when I listen to you, my friends, my family & Paul, I am barely listening. I hear all the words you have to offer, but I don't digest them. I don't let them resonate within my mind. I don't attempt to feel what you are feeling. Instead, I am comparing: comparing experiences I've gone through in an effort to relate, comparing my thoughts with yours, comparing my feelings with yours. Instead, I'm judging: not understanding why you do or feel what you do. Instead, I talk: if not aloud, in my own mind about what I think of what you said and what my response should be.

What I should be doing is listening to you with my whole self. I should be hearing your words with all of me and in doing so, truly listen. I don't need to give advice, I don't need to chime in, I don't need to judge, and I don't need to compare. What I need to do is simply listen and attempt to understand.

I'm sure we all do this, we all do it all the time. We are human and our minds our complex. Our minds jump from thought to though in nano seconds in a way that's far beyond controllable.

source

So how has this knowledge changed my life? I catch myself. I catch myself day dreaming as I pretend to listen to things I'm not nearly interested enough in. I catch myself thinking of what to say when you are speaking. I catch myself wondering random thoughts that have nothing to do with the conversation. I catch myself thinking of the long list of things I still need to do while you are trying to connect with me. I also catch others doing these things to me. I catch myself being heard but not acknowledged. I catch myself being heard but not listened to. I catch myself speaking too much and too often, being long winded and not to the point. I catch myself losing the audience that I hope will understand me. I catch them picking up their phones or blackberries. I catch them looking beyond me at something far more interesting. I catch us all not listening.

So I try to focus. I try to hear and to listen. I try to be heard and to be listened to. I try to talk in a manner that helps my partner and my friends listen to what I have to say rather than just hear it. And I try to listen to them. When my mind begins to wander, I reel it back in and try my best to focus. To focus on their words and those words meanings. I don't try to hear what's behind those words, or the double meanings that could exist, I just simply try and hear them for what they are because that is simply what that person is trying to tell me... no more, no less. And if they are trying to convey more through some other short of complicated game, it is not up to me to decipher. I will try not to do that to others either. I never agreed to play, I never read the directions or knew the rules, therefore, those things will be lost on me. Instead that is their need to learn to communicate, not my inability to listen.

So yes, that has changed my life and I'm hoping that I continue to work on my listening... true listening in the future.


Some tips on effective listening can be found here
as well as other relationship communication guides

Answer ME!

I don't know if this is common of wedding vendors or just wedding vendors in Colorado!

They never pick of their phones and rarely answer voicemails. It takes them weeks to respond to an email and at this point I'm utterly frustrated. It is poor business practice and unprofessional to say the least!

But I wanna go....

Last night on the plane ride home from TX, Paul told me his brother wants to have his birthday party in Miami and wanted him to talk to me about it. I knew why immediately... it wasn't the "Lil, want to spend the last weekend of September in the sunny beachy weather of Miami to celebrate A's 27th birthday?" talk, it was the "Lil, A wants to have a guys weekend in Miami for his birthday. You are okay with me going right?" talk.

Of course I'm okay with him going. Of course I'm also jealous. Being A's sister (in-law [future]) doesn't guarantee the same benefits as being A's brother (in any form). Because he's single. Because his best friends are all getting married (including his brother) in the next year or 2. Because I'm a girl. So I get left out of this trip too.



Paul and A have at least annual brother trips where Paul heads down to TX or A heads up to Chicago or Boston. This year they did a few more. Their dad being ill and our engagement changes perspective. Family becomes more important and old times are becoming faded into the past. Brother time is seldom and greatly cherished and of course there must be a fear that it may not exist in the same way post marriage. I must admit, that I feared something similar with my sister but the opposite was the case. Spending so much time together and trusting so much, you tend to encourage sister/brother/friend time in order to not lose a sense of self.

I hope that they have fun. Yes I'll be jealous holding down the fort here in NYC while Paul goes from Boston to Miami without a stop for a kiss on the forehead for his woman... stuck somewhere in between. But none the less, it's a jealousy I can swallow and say that I''' 100% hope that they have a grand time.

Now if I find out any other friends or relatives are invited + 1's ... then all this happy pushing myself to be excited for them crap will fall through the cracks and right out the window. Then it's personal and not fair. Then those boy's must fear my wrath hahaha.

So to A's big 2-7 in the MIA!

Tejas weekend

Today ends our weekend in Texas. I'm sitting on the bed in the guest room with sleepy tired eyes, waiting for the bathroom to be free so I can brush my teeth.

We got the tour, saw the bodies exhibit, met up with old friends, bonded with new ones and had some nice family time with Paul's brother.

This house is insanely amazing - mansion to us, mini mansion to others? Either way, it's beautiful and very nicely decorated.

So far so good. We had a blast. Today was a lazy day of cooking, BBQ, pool time, movies and soccer.

Tomorrow I begin helping out and working with Andy at his employer to try and get the financial processes running smoothly and up to an accountants standards... at least mine and Andy's collective standards. Hopefully I do a good job and make it happen.

So with that, the weekend comes to a close and my working in Texas begins... at least for 2 days.

wedding bands have been

PURCHASED

simple :)
elegant :)
classic :)
pricey :(

Craft Blog

I started a little craft blog in order to chronicle my progress as well as to help maybe get the word out as to my little craft business.

I don't think I'm quite ready for the whole etsy commitment but the craft fairs are fun for now. Of course private orders are also welcome.

Now if I can just stop giving away stuff for free!

So far there are no new posts, but there will be soon enough ... once I upload pictures :)

handmadebylilia.blogspot.com

A Name Change

So as you can see, there's been a little name change.

No longer whiskey break.... no longer mind.

Hopefully this will deter those crazy lurkers and allow me to continue to write openly.

Paper everywhere!

Yesterday, I took advantage of some free printing services AKA my printer at work. I was able to print wedding maps, website cards, time lines, welcome notes & I Spy games. It was lovely... especially since my printer at home has been on the fritz and Paul wants to kill it. Not to mention the ridiculous cost of ink.

So upon coming home... skipping that much needed manicure & pedicure to tackle some crazy wedding chores, I was overwhelmed with this great smell! The smell of dinner. The smell of dinner made for you by someone who loves you and didn't want you to have to come home after work and cook on a hot humid day. The smell of love! After scarfing down on some great food I washed the dishes, rolled up my sleeves and got to work.

With Paul's help, we began to measure, weight and convert. We were making 2 more bars of test soap. We finally got it right. A nice iridescent indigo soap that smells like white tea and ginger. It's fun, it's yummy, it smells good enough to eat. They've been carefully wrapped in plastic and are awaiting their paper sleeves and ribbon. Once we get those measurements right, we will cut those up ahead of time so that we aren't stressed closer to the date of the wedding. What we can do ahead, we are doing ahead.

After the soapy love we moved on to the labels which was a horrendous disaster. The Avery template was off, my printer was not cooperating, and our patience was running thin. We finally gave up and decided instead we should concentrate on the more important tasks. I began cutting maps, welcome notes, website cards & time lines. They came out very good - almost professional. The maps are the only thing I wish were more crisp. The edging was too narrow, but I wanted to print four per page. It's more important to me to not waste paper than to have the perfect paper invitation. So I won't stress it. Besides, it's for directions anyway!

As I was cutting, Paul was playing around with the labels. He soon gave up and I put him to the task of addressing envelopes. We both have decent handwriting. We are neat but not consistent. Either way, they are not wedding invitation worthy. We ran a nice script in word and printed them directly on the envelopes. It looks fine. It was far cheaper than $2/envelope at a calligrapher. Unfortunately 1/2 way though, the printer started jamming. Paul was getting frustrated, and I was going cross eyed from all the cutting. We decided it was time to quit.

We stopped what we were doing, put the stuff away, I took out my crochet and Paul played xbox till bed time.

Not a bad day. Very productive.

Next up - finishing addressing envelopes and adding postage
& ring shopping!

How to be Alone

This was so simple and so true and I'm happy to say I embrace my time alone they way many people embrace company. I love it.

Dad's

Today ... this made me cry. No, my father isn't in the military and no I'm not waiting for him to come home from war... but separated from everything I've ever known to be a father... I am.

This Blog is now Private

I didn't want to have to make it private but I didn't feel save having it public. There is a follower of my site who lives quite close to me... within walking distance. I don't know who this person is, but they check my blog multiple times per day. I have pictures of myself and personal information on here - the last thing I need is someone using it against me or to hurt me in anyway.

So at this point, my readers are 1 cousin and my man... pathetic I know. But I didn't feel safe having even an online stalker... not if they live or work so close to our home.

Trails & Food Tasting

Getting married far from home does cause one issue... cost is high. I haven't chosen a menu yet because I haven't tasted the food. I haven't decided on my hair yet, because I haven't had a trial. All that would cost us some money... because we'd have to fly into Denver, rent a car and stay in a hotel.

I personally think it's worth it. Especially the food tasting. Paul on the other hand, does not. I can go by myself, but he doesn't think that makes sense either. I don't see why not.

I'm worried that if we don't taste the food, we may not chose the right thing. I care more about the food than the trial. I'm so confused. If we go there, maybe we can bring some of the things we will be needing with us and leave it there, thus lowering our shipping and check in costs later. Who knows...

With
flights at $269 X2 = $538
Hotel for 3 nights $453 (may be cheaper b/c Erin offered discounted rates)
Car rental for 3 days at $140

that leaves a grand total of $1,131 not including food.

I know we can afford it, but is it worth it? We can also stay at another resort that we've stayed in already for $210.93 for the same time period.

Dream Nuptuals

Far before we were engaged... we already talked about our dream nuptials... While scanning some old posts, I came across this:

Today Paul said, “… I mean, we gotta check the
place out at some point, no?” to which I responded,
“…why, when are we getting married, you are Mass. Bound”
to which he then rebutted, “don’t you worry about the little
details. We gotta start doing our homework, though.”

It's funny how things workout. I wrote that about 3 months before our engagement. We had been talking about it far before that. And now we have less then 5 months till our wedding.

In that post I say that we tossed around January 2010 for a date, but we weren't far off.... January 2011. Yes, we will continue to be long distance after we are married, but only for a short 4 months.

So we aren't having that ski chalet wedding at the Stowehoff Inn ... Instead we are having it at a lovely resort in Breckenridge, CO. In the middle of January ... tucked into the base of Breckenridge Mountain's peak 9. YEY!

So yeah we aren't having what we thought we'd be having but we are having our DREAM wedding! And though it's not our guests dream... they need to understand that this is ours.

Homemade Soap

I'm pretty excited - my soap order has come in and I can't wait to get started testing some small samples. I figure I'll make a bar or 2 of each sent I like and use it in the shower and make sure I don't go too heavy on the pigment or the essential oils.

I'm planning on making each of my guests an aroma therapy bath soap bar as a wedding favor. I figure that's exactly what people need after a day grinding their muscles on the hill.

I purchased my base, my pigment and my scents but there are a few things I still need. I need a soap mold and a soap cutter. I'd love a mitre and soap cutter, but if I can't, I'll make due with a silicone mold, though I've heard some people have issues with sticking.

I also would like a food scale, but if I can't I'll make due.

What I absolutely need are a small spray bottle, rubbing alcohol, cellophane, and a mold of some sort ... any mold would do to test small batches. Maybe a brownie mold with a coupon at AC Moore.

Hopefully my soap making can begin this weekend and will be a hit! Small batches ...

I also need to start thinking of the packaging. The overall mold will affect this. Cellophane will need to be used 1st to ensure the soap won't dry out or sweat with changing temperatures. Then maybe ivory paper with a navy belly band and thank you sticker or stamp.

No to the First Look

The first look is when the bride and groom have a reveal and see each other before the wedding ceremony. Many pictures are taken, followed by the formal bride and groom pictures, family pictures and some wedding party portraits. My sister did this because she wanted to be at her cocktail hour and didn't want to miss a thing. I on the other hand don't want to do this (though part of me does).

Part of me wants to so that we can get all the pictures we want... and get them out of the way while the light is still good and people are still prim and pressed. But... part of me doesn't. That day is far more important than the pictures I'll take home from that day.

I think the best part of the wedding... any wedding is when they open the Church doors, everyone stands and looks back, and the bride in all her beauty begins to march down the aisle. Her eyes are fixed on her groom and she is all smiles and nerves. She takes your breath away. And even more so, she takes his breath away. He looks at no one else... just his bride to be. His heart melts, his eyes mist, it's as if the overflowing church is empty and the only 2 people in the room are the bride and groom... until she steps up to his left and the ceremony begins.

That... is my favorite part. I can't wait to see Paul's face when I walk down that aisle and he sees me for the 1st time. The funny part is - this was all his idea. And even more so now can I not wait. So no first looks for us. Just that moment when the church doors open and our eyes lock.

Now lets just hope I don't ruin it by falling down the aisle... because God knows I seem to have trouble staying on my own two feet these days!

Frustrated with all things communication

Do you ever have one of those days where you can't communicate and when you try you just can't seem to get it across because the other person isn't either listening or caring of what you have to say?

I'm having one of those days.

Craft Sale #2

Is fast approaching and I have 1 blanket and 1 hat for sale... I have 1/2 a scarf and 1/2 another blanket. What will I do??

I have a few left over headbands but I'll need to pick up the pace and go into full hat and scarf making mode!

Yikes!

My cousin offered to help... and I know she's going to read this... but I refuse for her to help and not reap the benefits of her labor. If she makes a hat and sells it, that money should go to her! But she refuses!

AHHHHHHHHHHH

I am currently not a happy hooker but a frantic one!

When I miss you

I told Paul that when I miss him I listen to Josh Kelley's Two Cups of Coffee



He said that when he misses me he listens to Cake's Love you Madly





The Key ... is that we miss each other

Blindside Quote

I'm reading The Blindside by Michael Lewis and this caught me...

"It was as if Dee Dee had been put on earth to answer a question: how little can a mother care for her children and still retain their affection? His mother hadn't cared for him, but still he loved her. "I guess you're just supposed to love your mom," he said later. "Just because she's your mom."



And yes, it's a true story. And yes the book came out before the movie.

If you could...

Today on Thought Questions they ask: "If you could change one thing from your past.... would you?"


I know many people say they have no regrets and that their past is what made them who they are today. I'll be honest to you and myself... I have regrets. Lot's of them. If I could live my life again, I know I'd do some things differently. I know that if I did these things differently, that I may not be living where I'm living, marrying who I'm marrying, or working where I'm working. I know that my relationships with friends and family would be completely different and possibly non-existent. But I know that if I could go back in time and live my 28 years for a 2nd round, it won't be the same as the 1st and those changes may trickle into bigger changes in my future.

Just like with Marty and Back to the Future... changing the past can COMPLETELY alter the future. And despite that... I think there are still things I'd do differently. And hopefully the good things that have come to me, would still be there - maybe just in a different way.

What don't you care about

I just skimmed through a fellow bride's blog. She basically was saying she isn't a shoe person and didn't care to spend a lot of money on a pair of shoes just for her wedding. She ended up buying a pair she'd liked after getting her tax refund but with little thought behind it.

She ends her blog asking, "When it comes to your wedding, what’s the thing that you just don’t really care about that most people seem to care about a lot?"

So it didn't take long for me to decide what that is... The Colors.

Many brides spend days, months, and even years dreaming up their color scheme to go into their wedding theme. I won't deny it, I searched the web for color inspiration. I sent Paul many a color inspiration boards found on other blogs. I checked out dresses of many different colors. But in the end, I didn't really care what colors we chose. We ended up with almost all ivory everything, because ivory matches everything. My sister's are wearing navy and because of that we incorporated navy into our stationary. But otherwise, there are no color schemes. We just want everyone to be cozy and have fun.

end. of. story.

This Summer

Hasn't been anything like I had expected. Paul had an internship in Chicago which meant the summer here in NY alone. My family is still a hot mess. My funds are pretty much at zero due to the wedding. My outdoor activities were kept to a minimum. My car was acting up. My lease was being ridiculous to renew. NY had numerous heat waves. BP destroyed the gulf with oil. My motivation has been it at all time low.

I was hoping for weekends at the beach. Long weekends kayaking and camping. Picnics. A healthier appetite. Friends.

I expected different.

I'm doing some of it... just not as often or in the way I expected.

Oh well - I can't wait till the summer is over. I generally hate the summer. Those above activities are a nice distraction to get me through it. Please bring back reasonable temperatures!

Lay 'Em Down

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failing
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles
Lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All of those with and without love
All you burdened broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

Come lay 'em down [x4]

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your burden [Come lay 'em down]
And just lay 'em down [Come lay 'em down]

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your troubles [Come lay 'em down]
Just lay 'em down

Come lay 'em down [x3]

What do you do...

When your mother's jealousy reaches new heights.

My mom... well she wasn't around a lot but we are close. We are friends. She is the mother of my siblings which are the most important people in my life. But her jealousy over her mother who raised me... is unyielding.

She has reached an all time low this weekend when she declared that she is disowning me and my sister (of her 1st marriage). Why, you might wonder, would a mother disown her children for the 6th or 7th time in their lifetime when they are already at an age of independence?... 27 and 28 to be exact. Because she is jealous. She clearly states that we've chosen our mother... in our grandmother who raised us. Therefore she two is going to make a choice. A choice of my little brother and sister (from her 3rd marriage) over us. Because we teach them the wrong things. We teach them to have loyalty for someone other than their mother.

Yes, my friends. These are the words of a lunatic. She then went on to say that we are selfish (what a joke). You've never met two more selfless individuals than in my sister and I when it comes to family. And that she won't be attending my wedding and regrets having set foot in my sister's. Mothers... they don't do that. So clearly her disowning us... again... is just another demented thing she's done. What really turns the knife in my chest is that she is using my brother and sister, yet again, to hurt us. My brother and sister are my world! I cannot picture getting married without their little souls by my side.

My mom said many other harsh words this weekend... but all I want to know is if I can have my family, my real family, by my side. Because without L,A & K - my wedding would be far less meaningful.

Lets see how long she lasts standing her ground... she always needs something eventually - money, a babysitter, etc... and when that time comes she will somehow twist the events to feel like you were wrong and she is gracious enough to forgive you. Have any of you ever read "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest"? If you haven't, you should. My Mother is Nurse Ratched ... not Mommy Dearest. I'm surprised she hasn't called for my lobotomy yet.

I thank God for providing me with such wonderful grandparents, amazing siblings, and a strong will. I think God for providing for me the most basic needs any human being needs. And I think God for helping me get through any rough patches along the way. But I ask God to please help my brother and sister see through the darkness my Mother puts in front of them and see through the walls she's trying to build to continually look to my sister and I as truly loving sisters. Their family. Their friends. And two people who would simply do anything for them.

It's not very often

That you hear a girl born and raised in the best city in the world (NYC & you know it's true) say all she wants is to go country.

I have some NYC friends who have always said I was a country girl trapped in a city life.

I can't agree - I'm more like a city girl with a country flare. I true country gal would say I was a stiletto heel wearing city girl and a city girl would call me ... well confused.

But lets face it... small town country has charm. It truly does. I can't quite explain it but ... let me tell you what I want.

barefoot. fields. grass. wildflowers. mountains. country music. boots. cowboy hats. animals. bbq. beer. family. love. sun. snow. open space. clean air.

And much much more. Unfortunately but completely fortunately, I'm marrying a man who is definitely a city boy. And I'm okay with that... because I also know we are the most compromising couple ever!

I truly hope that we will be able to move out west and find a wonderful home in a suburban area (rural to us NYers) but that's a reasonable commute to the city (most likely not the best city, but city non-the-less).

Camping with the sister & cousins

Was a success despite the rain and despite the indecision. I've learned a few things during the trip though - my family is very indecisive. I have no patience for indecisiveness. I get cranky when overheating. I can cheer up pretty quickly. Very few people in my family are leaders and instead like to just chill out and follow along.

Because of these things, I tend to have to plan camping trips months and months in advance. It's generally because people like to answer invitations with responses like "Whenever, I'm free" or "Whatever you all want to do" - when you get all responses back like that - you are at a loss and don't know how to move forward. Especially when you are the one doing all the leg work. So because of that we didn't get a water front site but the site was non-the-less amazing considering how crowded the campground was. We also ended up going rafting because the only person who told me a preference was Christina so since she had an opinion, it's what we went with.

Lucky enough, despite my pleading to make a decision on what to do on Saturday... a 90+ degree day - no one made a decision. So after I completely went into cranky mode, we took a ride down to the adventure center and just made it to be one of the last trips to do tubing down the river. It definitely wasn't exhilarating, but it was cooling - especially on that very hot day.

Rafting was a wash... literally. We basically got rained out less than a mile into the trip. But we still had fun... at least everyone except Bryan who insisted we bail out as soon as we saw a place to do so, which we did. And of course it stopped raining shortly after we got back to camp and found all of our towels soaked.

Monday was promising - gorgeous sunny weather with no humidity. Of course this was the weather we had to go home in... of all days! Anyway it was still fun and hopefully in September we'll have another trip to look forward to. On that Paul can go to.

I have to admit, Paul has the ideal camping personality. He gets everyone motivated. He is quick to make decisions. And when people seem lost or down, he is quick to be the goof ball and get them back up again. Too bad I don't have this personality.

Maybe one day ... I'll be invited to someone elses camping trip and can just follow along. Or maybe my control freak personality won't consider that fun.

In any event, another camping trip under our belts was a success and despite all the rain, we survived it all smiling.