Bitter

It's unhealthy to be bitter. Maybe it's PMS or maybe it's the holiday stress, but I find myself being bitter, angry, and uncaring. Don't get me wrong, I still care, and I still find myself bending over backwards for the people I love, I'm just less tolerant, and more self loathing than usual. Maybe I'm even a little angry. I miss my papa. This will be my first Thanksgiving without him in my life. I've never missed it with him before.

He never sat at the head of the table and he never carved the turkey, but he always cut up the queso de bola. He hardly even sat with us to eat. He liked to manage the kitchen, making sure the dishes were washed, the stove cleaned, and in general, I think we stressed him out. He liked to sneak in after the kids ate, grab some food, sip on some scotch and be merry. I'll miss it. As I got older, he was my Whiskey Man... my drinking buddy, my bff.

This year I'm fighting the urge to cancel Thanksgiving and order pizza. Unlike most people my age, gorging themselves on Thanksgiving fare, watching football and having some wine, I end up cooking all the food (aside from the Turkey). Lets be honest, the Turkey is the easy part, the sides are what takes up all your time.

I'm also fighting an inner battle to go to MD and see my Dad. He has been in and out of the hospital since September when he had his first stroke. He's had about 5 more since then, the latest being a bleeder. The treatment for each time is counterproductive so instead they didn't treat anything. Last night they did a test that concluded that his heart was creating blood clots that were going to his brain. These were causing the strokes that have left him partially in paralysis (which they admit may be temporary). After the 1st stroke he lost most of the function of his left side, his eye sight in the left eye, and his ability to process some information (reading, dialing the phone, every day things). He began to regain some of this and doctors thought he'd have a chance of regaining 90% of his functions within a year... and then he had another stroke, and another, and another...

Those who know me, know that I have a very poor relationship with my Dad. I haven't' seen him in 5 years (since my grandpa's funeral). I've been fighting with going to see him. I know I should, but I am having a hard time doing it. I don't know how serious his condition is... I don't know if I'll keep getting another chance. So maybe I just need to suck it up and go.

So this Thanksgiving is definitely a bitter one... surrounded by my family, good food (after all I cooked it haha) & football, inside I'll still feel whats missing: my pa, relaxation, and the sense of doing something right... I know I need to go to MD... I should, it's the right thing to do, right? Then why is it so freaking hard!?