Fall Craft Fair Today

Today is the fall craft fair!

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What motivates....

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What indeed. Many things motivate me. I get short term satisfaction by doing my best in my projects and tasks and I get long term satisfaction in doing my best in my work life, love life, family life and individual life. There is never really a reason in my opinion to not do your best... would you ever want to do your worst?

I guess this one I'll have to mull over.

Venting

Without going into specifics - these last two weeks can easily be considered one of the worse of my year. Between a friends death and conflict in my relationship, I find myself lost and unmotivated. I'm finding myself falling into a rut I had long ago climbed out of.

My motivation to do anything is so non-existent it's left papers on the floor hallway, folded laundry on the couch, junk not put away and dirty dishes in the sink. When I get home... I don't want to deal with it, but just change my clothes and toss them on the bed frame, get under the covers and go to bed... and that's basically all I've done in 2 weeks. I'm ashamed to say it... but I'm a mess.

I looked around my livingroom and thought... omg someone will call that hoarder show on me... but I realize, I'm not a hoarder, I'm just a mess... a very big mess.

I started the gym and somehow I gained weight... and not the good muscle kind.

I have so much in my head and none of it is good... stupid people... why do they betray you and leave you lost. It sucks.

Best Man Gift

We have talked about it... and have remained stumped. What do you get your best man... especially one that tends to buy what he wants when he wants it? We want it to be heartfelt but not mushy. We want it to be useful and not just a piece to collect dust. We want it to be good.

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I thought this money clip said it all... it's all true and I think it's something our best man has only recently come to fully embrace.... and I have to say - I love that about him! I also love that he's been there for me when I began to fully understand what it is I want out of life and how what I want is nothing that my parents or his wanted for me... instead it's a meaningful life filled with love, respect and spirituality. It's not a career driven, money hungry life that tends to define success in the big city in current times. I don't think this gift would cut it - but I do think it would be a nice little add on.

We shall see what the FH thinks... because he never seems to agree with me.

Lies... how appropriate

After being lied to... I feel broken. I thought it was ironic... or coincidence that today the Thought Question is:source

So ... when was the last time you lied?? And how many lies did you have to say after to cover up that lie?

It's funny right... telling the truth is just easier than a lie. Not just is telling the truth admirable but telling the truth usually arrives at the best outcome.

Even the smallest lies and cause the most hurt. Even the smallest lies can create a world of mistrust. Even the smallest lies and cause insecurity. Even the smallest lies and feed feelings of betrayal, hurt and hate.

I've been brought up in a house with many secrets but was told to never lie. It was ironic... yes, but it was the truth. Lying only breeds hate and it only creates a mess where things are good. Why ruin a good thing with lies? My entire life, I've only hoped to be spoken to with words of truth, even if they were words that would hurt. The truth, no matter how harsh, are always recoverable... but being told a lie and then still finding out the truth... you suffer twice.

Some wise words:

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind. ~Austin O'Malley

Every act of dishonesty has at least two victims: the one we think of as the victim, and the perpetrator as well. Each little dishonesty makes another little rotten spot somewhere in the perpetrator's psyche. ~Lesley Conger

Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world. ~Thomas Carlyle

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. ~Bill Copeland

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. ~Mark Twain

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie. ~Robert Brault

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. ~Adlai Stevenson

What do you think...

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This question is a good one... maybe only because it has so many answers and when something like this has so many answers... you reflect. You reflect in all you are waiting for and reevaluate whether or not it is all worth it.

So here is a quick list... of random thoughts that came to mind:

• Paul goodness knows I've waiting a long time to be with him... almost 6 years of long distance back and forth and unknowns and still going. I'll still wait and it will all be worth it.
• Children I am not ready yet and neither is Paul but we are close. I'd never rush into having a family b/c of a feeling of losing time or reaching my expire date
• Not much else.... I think people shouldn't sit and wait... if you want to improve your life... begin working at it now. There is no way to change your world without action.

Words can only take you so far... only inches from where you stand. It is with action that we are brought to our potential. Striving for success is the only way to reach it. No one trips and falls into it by accident - even when it may appear that way.

Living a fulfilling life isn't something you wait for... it's something you strive for and work at!

My Sproradic I Want List

Every once in a while you see me type up and publish an I want list... things I'd purchase if money was no object and responsibility wasn't super strong with me...

So here goes it:

1. Rome Blue $275 or a Sierra Crew $199 (With coupon of course)
   
2. New Canon Lens $1000+
3. Kindle $189
4. Caribbean Vacation/ Honeymoon $1500+
5. Ski trips all winter long $XXXX
   

That's about it... they just so happen to be some high ticket items.

Books...

I finished yet another book yesterday. Ana Maxted's A Tale of Two Sisters.

It was not a great book, but it wasn't hard to read either. After all, I finished it in only a few days. It deals with some tough subjects... adoption, parenting, miscarriages, sibling rivalry, marriage, etc...

I am happy I read it ... but I'm unhappy I only have 2 more books left in my book case which remain unread. I'm running out and I had just spent $90 in Barnes and Noble.


I know I know - get the Kindle already! Ugh, how I will miss the smell of books - but I thought (or was told) that I should read books via the kindle and if there is one that really stands out ... that I must have - maybe just purchase that one... and leave the rest (like A Take of Two Sisters) to the EBook world.

That is a great compromise.

Scared...

Maybe. I won't lie. I'm a little scared... a little nervous.

A few years ago, I found a lump under my arm. It was there for years and I told no one. I guess I thought it was nothing. But then it started getting larger. I showed it to my Mom one day expecting her to say it was nothing... instead she freaked out and yelled at me. "Why hadn't I said anything sooner? Why hadn't I gone to the doctor's office?" Who knows... because I didn't think twice about it.

Eventually I saw my GP and he sent me to the oncologist. I was a bit nervous, but the oncologist assured me that it wasn't cancerous and just a sebaceous cyst. Gross right? A sebaceous cyst is a closed sac under the skin filled with a cheese-like or oily material. The assistant told me that if it ruptures, it smells really really bad. The oncologist wanted to surgically remove it and I let him a week later. I was there alone. I drove myself. I told very few people. And I had that nasty little sucker cut out of me... and I bled for days even with my stitches.

So a few years later I did it again. I saw this white mark on my lip. It has been there since spring. It wasn't going away and if anything, it's gotten bigger. I thought nothing of it... but one day I was annoyed by it and showed Paul. Usually he'd say... I don't see it. Or that's nothing. Instead he said, you should go to the doctor.

You'd think that would be motivation enough... instead I needed to think only that it would grow to unusual proportions before my wedding and I'd look like herpes face! I made an appointment with my overpriced midtown Manhattan dermatologist and .... well that was this morning.

She could see it right away. I guess it wasn't as small and inconspicuous as I thought. She told me she'd have to perform a biopsy... I hate biopsies. First of all, they hurt. Second of all, you don't get immediate results. Third of all, while you are waiting for results... you area thinking all sorts of worse case scenarios. I didn't help by going online yesterday looking up pictures of mouth herpes, lip cancer, etc...

Anyway... she gave me an injection of a local anesthetic which didn't hurt too bad... and then she took a knife and sliced a thin layer off my lip. After putting some antiseptic on it, she placed an obnoxious band-aid on and told me to leave it there for at least 1 hour... because it was bleeding. She also gave me quite a bit of gauze because she said depending on how I move my mouth it may continue to bleed throughout the next day or two. Just great.

And out of all days... I run into 2 full elevators, have people coming and going to my office (a usually empty space) and have a fire drill.

I look like a herpes infected patient. I look scary and contagious. No one should have to see me like this!

Anyway... hopefully it's nothing, but I suppose if it is... I have my wedding and Paul to thank for convincing me to get it checked out. I'll have to wait at least a week for the results... why can't things be on Lilia time? I want my results fast and immediate!

STD

I don't think I ever posted anything about our save the dates. I wanted to do lift ticket save the dates. It was something I wanted to make myself, knowing it could possibly cost a fortune going to a custom invitation printer. Through google images, Microsoft Word and Paint, I was able to come up with a nice design I was happy with. Then I bought some matte Staples brand photo paper because I liked the texture and the weight. With a glue gun and some wickets taken from a local ski shop - we were ready to rock. (Yes, we definitely statched up a few wickets each time we went riding at those mountains... and eventually had enough - we know we know... it's technically stealing).

This is the front of the save the date... the back has the wedding website along wtih a little note indicating invitations are to follow. By sending save the dates, our guests will be able book flights, hotel and car rentals early and thus taking advantage of lower rates.

At Staples I was also able to find some baby blue envelopes which fit the save the dates perfectly. On clear labels, I printed each person's name and address along side a blue snowflake. On the back we attached a label with our return address. Our international family members received the invitation with a stamp that had a mountain range image and our domestic family and friends received ones with wedding bands.

And that was that - we send them on their way.

I wish I had 4- 1st dances....

Because I love love love our song....

Smashing Pumpkins - Luna... you don't get much more simple in love than that.



But how can you not love Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life ... it speaks to our relationship and I love the mellowness of it.



Then there is Ben Harper... his voice screams romance and simple happiness...



& Then there is Jack Johnson's Angel... just wow. I love it...




I wish I could dance to ALL these songs with Paul. And I will... it may not be our 1st dance. It may not be our wedding day... but we'll sway... and stare... and love.

Can't Sleep

So this is not the 1st night I haven't been able to sleep lately. Some people stay up late watching TV... I stay up late reading like a mad woman. I get completely immersed in the stories I read so easily. Once I'm inside, I really can't stop.

I'm embarrassed to say that last night I stayed up and finished Breaking Dawn. It's the last book of the Twilight Saga. I'm not even a Twilight fan. I have no intention of watching the movies. I picked up Twilight on a whim because of all the hype. I read it and once done, wondered what happens next. This continued until I got to "the end" and now I know. Then I was awake and hardly able to sleep.

I started thinking about my wedding. Things I needed to do. I day dreamed how I'd feel... during our vows, walking down the aisle, during our 1st dance, while greeting guests, during that 1st night. I just thought and thought and thought.

Before I knew it - it was 3:30AM. What the heck is wrong with me!?

In any event - I did think... about Paul and what's important to me regarding our wedding. Many wish to cut the ceremony short to get the party started as soon as possible. They are concerned about impressing their guests and not wanting them to feel bored. I'll be honest, if any of my guest feel bored during my ceremony, they really shouldn't be there. We are going the full mass route but did decided to take away the unity candle and other unnecessary traditions that didn't really speak to us.

I want God to be part of our marriage and thus I want it to be a full mass. I also want to savor it. I want to breath it all in. It's the 1 time in my life to do this... and I'm going to take my time. I'm going to taste each flavor in the air. I'm going to savor each smell. I'm going to hear every word spoken like music. And I'm not going to cut it short or rush through it because a few guests are hungry or bored.

This applies to our 1st dance as well. It's our very 1st dance as a married couple. It's our dance. We chose a song that speaks to us... but it doesn't lend to a traditional waltz or even great dancing in general. But that's okay... because the sounds, the lyrics, the melody... it speaks to us. And I want to stare into Paul's big hazel eyes and fall in love with him all over again without the slightest concern of entertaining our guests... and then... when that is all done... then do we celebrate. And then I will concern myself with their happiness

Planning....

Things seems to fall in my lap constantly. Snowboard trips fall on my lap much of the time. Camping trips too. Same with many other events we go to on a regular basis.

I don't mind much of the time. I don't even care so much if it's appreciated, but I can't stand when people don't at least do their part. I hate when you ask people to be on time and they are not. I hate when you ask someone to purchase something and they don't. I hate when you ask someone to make a phone call and they forget. I hate that.

I hate planning things for people who don't do their part. I hate planning things for people who aren't enthusiastic. I hate planning events and people show up late. I hate inviting people to things and getting zero response. I hate that. I drives me nuts!

I wonder... if it happens with small things like dinner dates, camping trips, ski trips and the like... is it reasonable for me to expect different at my wedding? Probably not.

I need to mentally prepare because if I can hardly handle this now- imagine then!

Sometimes people don't deserve your hard work.

PMS?

Is that you?

I think so. I've woken up in some type of strange mood every day since Monday. It's not good - generally bad moods. PMS seriously sucks, but what sucks more is that I literally can't control my annoyance in other people. In general, no one can do right around me during this time. Everything someone says or does distracts me and gives me anxiety. Their chewing and breathing can make me angry.


But honestly - I think I'm like this all the time... but with PMS, I find it's hard to control.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tales of a Terrible Blogger

I've realized that I write less and contemplate more...

Lately, many negative things have been happening in my life. I won't deny that there have also been some good. But these negative things become overwhelming. You'd think that writing about them would help get them out, but instead I decide it's too personal for a public forum.

So I don't write anything. I find myself uninspired.

Hopefully tonight I can at least get my camera out for a little yarn photoshoot because much has been made and needs to be shown... but of course on the new blog for such crafts: handmade for you by lilia maria

Wedding Attire Update!

I'm so excited! Our wedding is NOT budget friendly. As a matter of fact, our budget friendly ideas backfired immensely.

We thought a destination wedding in the mountains would be cheaper than the big NYC wedding - WRONG

We thought flowers, hair stylists, cake, food, beverage would be cheaper too - WRONG

We thought it'd be very small, say 20-25 people - WRONG

But we are still happy. It shows that we have so many loved ones that we are able to to say we expected a mere 20 guests and will be having over 50 in attendance. Still small by traditional wedding standards.

We are thrilled that we are doing it in the Colorado mountains. In hindsight, I still think I'd pick Breckenridge. For the actual wedding, there may be better areas (Tahoe for example), but it would have cost our guests far too much money to fly out there. Breckenridge and Denver in general lend well to a destination wedding. Unfortunately the altitude does not. I will just hope for the best and hope that our guests do not get stubborn and rehydrate often, take it easy, and understand their limits.

One place we have really been able to save on our wedding is our attire. I will admit, my dress still cost more than any garment I've ever purchased in my life, but... it's my wedding dress! I didn't even entertain the idea of shopping at a high end boutique and instead opted for David's Bridal where I found my dress on a day that it was on sale. I got my $1050 dress for $850. I utilized the coupons from purchasing that dress to buy the crinoline I needed and received another 30% off invitations. So from buying that 1 dress from that 1 store - I saved in other areas as well.

Paul decided to buy a tux rather than renting. We have enough black tie events to warrant owning a tux and to return a rental within 24 hours of the event just seemed unreasonable. With a afternoon trip to SYMs, Paul was able to find a beautiful, classic, 100% wool tuxedo by Jones New York for only $199! You really can't beat that price. We then went to Jos A. Bank for this accessories where he purchased his vest, shirt and bow tie at 50% off.

Lastly, my sister's are purchasing their dresses from David's Bridal too, where they will receive $20 off their dresses. Lauren found her dress on our second try heading there. She loved the dress and really didn't want to take it off. She looked fabulous in it and I'm so glad she didn't settle for a dress our 1st time shopping there. She bought it promptly for a whopping $79! Amanda has already picked out here dress, but since she is still growing, I haven't yet ordered it. I will however, need to order it soon.

I will also need to purchase Hannah's Flower Girl dress and Kyle's suit.