A day... in the life?

People say... a day in the life...

That saying makes no sense to me. Maybe because it doesn't apply to me... nor does it apply to most. There is no typical day to describe my life. My life is a culmination of thousands of days joined together by many different events, feelings, actions, reactions.... you get the point.

Lately, my life has been more atypical than most. My life is actually quite different these days. Ever since 11/17/2010 my life and the lives of my family changed. It was the morning my phone rang and my grandma asked me to come over and take her to the hospital. She was there... shuffled between a medical cardiac floor and the cardiac ICU for 2 1/2 weeks... until they realized there wasn't much they could do and sent her home. This news.... is good and bad.

No one wants to be in the hospital... but no one wants to hear that there is no cure. Let's face it though - none of us live forever and... there is no cure for old and dying. I volunteered to stay... I stay here with her every night. I get a break... maybe 1 day a week when someone offers or I beg. But otherwise I'm here... to listen to her cough, to hear her wheeze, to see her sink into depression. There are some days where I think I am listening to her die. My heart hurts. She's my mom in many definitions of the word. And I'm trying to give her what she deserves... but she's losing her way. She's lost her will to live and has become her sickness. Her personality is gone... she's someone else. She's bitter, angry, rude, mean spirited... hurtful. She's angry... and there is no stopping her when she's like this.

Today... has been the worst day and I'm sitting here... keeping my distance because she can't even look at me, doesn't want to talk to me, has threatened me, and wants me to leave. But I wont... because she still needs me ... and I love her. So I stay... but I don't know what to do. I don't want to vent... it just makes my eyes well and lose composure. I don't want to get into detail... it's tiring, and I'm already tired. I don't want hugs... it might make me cry. I don't want to hear reason... because it doesn't work. I don't want to chat... because nothing will come of it. I sit here and stir my thoughts inside willing myself to keep it together... because that's all I really have. I have my strength and my resolve... and I can't let that go.

I'm planning my wedding. It's only 2 1/2 weeks away ... and I'm trying to turn 1 part of me off so that I can turn the other part of me on. Sometimes it works but then you hear things like... I'm gonna stop taking my medicine so I can die or I want to die before your wedding... and all you can think about is how you'll be wearing black instead of white.