Riding Log: Day 3 (Hunter)

Today we headed back up to Hunter for a ski day with the kids before we head back to Queens for NYE. Today was a disaster. The day started off innocently enough... unload, get dressed, buy lift tickets.... encounter massive lift lines. So we head to the back and do some of the hardest terrain K has ever encountered. Though he did well... his little legs were DONEZO... I've been there so I didn't push him. After a break for lunch we headed back up.... and did some more runs.

At one point we were headed down a mogul steep when 2 skiers stopped and yelled at us to be quicker. Well we weren't going that slow... we weren't standing in the center of the massively wide trail, and shit... I'm with a 6 year old! Well, they didn't like my... "Just go the Eff around us" comment... so one got dangerously close to us and sprayed us. Well that sparked some fire in Paul... who raced down after them and got in their face telling them to quite being douche bags.... instead of the verbal confrontation that usually ensues, these two violent characters (a father son duo no less) decided that punching, grabbing, pushing and spitting 2 against 1 was a smarter idea. Well being that I had to children to attend to... I was still making our way down the hill when I saw a rumble in the middle of the base area. I ran over to see Paul... palms up saying that he didn't want to fight while 2 others had him in a head lock and tried to pummel him. I wasn't standing for that... I immediately unstrapped and used my board as a weapon. One swift wack to the dudes back and he was off of Paul.... Paul immediately jumped on him and landed a few swiftly placed punches ... I wish we hadn't retaliated with violence... but violence truly begets violence. When you see someone you love being hurt or injured your immediate response is to stop it by any means necessary... which is what I did.

Thankfully there were many witnesses who saw that their violence is what began the whole thing.... and though they were all too irresponsible to call ski patrol or stop the confrontation choosing instead to remain spectators.... at least yelled a few "go home", "no one wants you here", "this is a family place" there way to either get them to retreat to the lodge, go home, or who knows what else.... possibly treat their injuries. They definitely didn't go home bruise free.

I don't regret what I did... but I regret that I allowed Paul to fallow them. Not that I'd be able to stop him. He should have let it go. Though we could have gotten hurt... we didn't. We could have continued our day un-bothered by those two jerks. Instead our day was tainted with violence. But of course... like me... he saw his loved ones in danger and reacted.

In any event, we made a choice to not be scared of ski patrol, them finding us and following us, or even just getting our tickets clipped for the events... and chose instead to continue our day on the hill sans drama. At the end of the day, we were ready to go home and were packing the car. Somehow... I forgot to throw my mittens in my bag... so those are now gone forever. In addition, I apparently never put Paul's brand new boots in the car (yeah that was totally my fault). So we were out mittens & boots... and had a fight... that the kids totally witnessed.



So yeah, though I don't regret the day... it was not a good one.

But the snow was great... it was warm.... the weather was perfect and K & A did the hardest runs of their lives... and did AMAZING! I'm so proud of them.


Key line of the day:

on the lift line after the dramatic event K asks me "Lilia, why are people violent like that? Why do they get so angry"

not knowing what to say... I answered what I thought was likely true "K, I think it might be because their mommy's didn't hug them enough when they were growing up. That's why we all hug you every single day."

I got a few smiles on the lift line for that one. Because lets face it... a hug, big or smalls, makes everyone's heart smile... or at least smirk.

Riding Log: Day 2 (Hunter)

So on Christmas eve last year I headed to Hunter with Andy and Paul and had a blast. You pay weekday prices. The lift lines are short. And you get home run down and tired but early enough for some festivities.

This year we decided it had to happen again. Taking care of my Grandma took a huge toll on all of us. I was emotionally in need of my brother and sister and getting away. I was already taking care of the tater tots and Paul picked up my 2 cousins and met us up at their house the night before.

We were up at 6 and en route by 7. We had a blast riding all over the mountain… dragging one noob cousin around all the rougher terrain. The kids did great! They did a bunch of black runs all day long getting their legs back on their 1st ski day of the season.

It was a fun day with lots of things going on … but it was definitely fun!

I’m proud of those little buggers keeping up with the big boys!

A day... in the life?

People say... a day in the life...

That saying makes no sense to me. Maybe because it doesn't apply to me... nor does it apply to most. There is no typical day to describe my life. My life is a culmination of thousands of days joined together by many different events, feelings, actions, reactions.... you get the point.

Lately, my life has been more atypical than most. My life is actually quite different these days. Ever since 11/17/2010 my life and the lives of my family changed. It was the morning my phone rang and my grandma asked me to come over and take her to the hospital. She was there... shuffled between a medical cardiac floor and the cardiac ICU for 2 1/2 weeks... until they realized there wasn't much they could do and sent her home. This news.... is good and bad.

No one wants to be in the hospital... but no one wants to hear that there is no cure. Let's face it though - none of us live forever and... there is no cure for old and dying. I volunteered to stay... I stay here with her every night. I get a break... maybe 1 day a week when someone offers or I beg. But otherwise I'm here... to listen to her cough, to hear her wheeze, to see her sink into depression. There are some days where I think I am listening to her die. My heart hurts. She's my mom in many definitions of the word. And I'm trying to give her what she deserves... but she's losing her way. She's lost her will to live and has become her sickness. Her personality is gone... she's someone else. She's bitter, angry, rude, mean spirited... hurtful. She's angry... and there is no stopping her when she's like this.

Today... has been the worst day and I'm sitting here... keeping my distance because she can't even look at me, doesn't want to talk to me, has threatened me, and wants me to leave. But I wont... because she still needs me ... and I love her. So I stay... but I don't know what to do. I don't want to vent... it just makes my eyes well and lose composure. I don't want to get into detail... it's tiring, and I'm already tired. I don't want hugs... it might make me cry. I don't want to hear reason... because it doesn't work. I don't want to chat... because nothing will come of it. I sit here and stir my thoughts inside willing myself to keep it together... because that's all I really have. I have my strength and my resolve... and I can't let that go.

I'm planning my wedding. It's only 2 1/2 weeks away ... and I'm trying to turn 1 part of me off so that I can turn the other part of me on. Sometimes it works but then you hear things like... I'm gonna stop taking my medicine so I can die or I want to die before your wedding... and all you can think about is how you'll be wearing black instead of white.

Rome Blue

Back in November I trecked it up to Boston to go to a Ski and Snowboard expo. 2 stores were there with some discounted stock for sale.

I was finally able to snag my rome blue... and for only $230!

I'm in love... in every sense of the word
You - are - MINE!

Victim of Circumstance

We are all victims of circumstance. As independent individuals, it is our duty to God and to ourselves to manipulate our own environment for good. Excuses without effort begets nothing. Words without actions are only sounds. Thoughts are only dreams. Plans are only hopes. But with action we have our only shot at success.

If you are unhappy then why wallow? Why not change? In fact you have little to lose if you are already unhappy. Risk all that is wrong and maybe even some that is good to find your happiness. No one else will find it for you. You not finding it own your own is no one else's fault.

Find your God, whether it be Allah, Christ, Yahweh or The Higher Being. Find your god and lean on Him. Rely on that support. He will give you courage to bring your thoughts and words into action.

Riding Log: Day 1 (Killy)

So here begins the 2010-2011 snowboard season. With wedding planning, family drama handling, sick grandma stressing... snowboarding was pushed way... way back in the priority list.

But this weekend I was asked by Paul to make an exception. Stress levels were high. He was done with school and moving home. And needed a ride home from Boston... so why not hit the slopes on the way home? After contacting a few buddies, the trip was set. Meeting at Killington bright and early for a full day of shred and then a long drive back to NY so I can see my grandma on Sunday.

So we made it happen... I drove to Boston and then I drove from there to Killington the next morning after packing the car bright and early. We managed to get to the gondola at a decently early time considering all the moving, packing, and ... um... me putting my bindings on backwards. Woops.

I rode my Roxy Eminence BTX.... it felt stiff, but it felt good. My legs were weak and my confidence had a bit of growing to do, but I kept up my speed, held my edge and rode with my friends. But soon enough, we were hungry and needed a lunch stop. After filling ourselves with food and some beer we headed back out. It didn't take long for my legs to turn to jello and I called it a day by around 3PM. Paul and K8 took 1 more run while Dlaw and I had a ollie lesson from Stan. I learned that learning forward 1st to gain some momentum makes a huge difference, that I twist my knee in instead of out (evidence by my pictures in the past) and that my Roxy is very stiff and hard to hold a press.

The drive home was luckily done by Paul... we found that carrying that much stuff after a long drive and lots of snowboarding is not fun. But we made it happen... and it was worth it to finally get my 1st day under my belt.

Having friends out west to start making turns in October makes an Ice Coaster jealous sometimes. It was nice to finally be on the snow... and it worked... for that 1 day... I was more or less stress free.

Share your Photos!

Last night, I ran to staples and bought some business cards in Ivory. I also grabbed 2 cheapo business card holders and made a bunch of these!

I plan on leaving one at the bar and one at the favors table at the end of the night, so people can slip them in their pocket, purse, or camera bag and share their pictures to us when they get home.

I hoe people actually do them. I know in the past, we've had to pester people for pictures... and I'll shamelessly pester!

Guest Book

Whats the point? I don't really get it either. It's a book that you look at once and then store somewhere to collect dust.

I wanted one of those tree thumb print thingys... thinking we can hang it in our house.

source

But I wanted it to be a little more personal - so I asked me sister to draw our tree. Well she took it 1 step further and sculpted one from clay. Then made little leaves to hang. Each guest can write a small best wish, and hang it on our wedding tree!

Thanks Lauren!

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up"

Psalm 27:

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.
5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Are you Joking?

My family is messed up on 1000 different levels. I dislike many of them for many deep seeded reasons. Many of which have to do with selfishness and just plain old not being a good person.

Last week, I was in an ambulance, accompanying my grandmother to the emergency room. She's not doing great and the doctors are at a loss of what to do. Her heart is weak and her kidneys are failing... and by fixing one, they will be killing the other. So they are trying to find a balance... and while they do, her life hangs in it.

In the meantime, my grandmother's children are selfish individuals. It took my grandmother's health to fail so bad that she's laying in a bed in ICU to come to see her. After months...years of fighting with her for nothing but being jealous of her relationship with her cousins. She loves them... and they love her. And these cousins have been there for her... when no one else has. When her own children turned their back on her... she had them, to take her to the dr., to make her dinner, to bring her to church, to keep her company... she had them.

And yet... now, I am playing corral with my family... making sure they don't run into each other. Making sure they don't fight. Until today. When I mentioned that one of these cousins is with my Grandma and my mother went full retard. Now she's threatening everyone. She is no longer my mother - I've been disowned (again). She's no longer attending my wedding. She isn't coming to queens. She hates us all and will use force if necessary to get my Grandma and her Cousins separated. Many of us though... will never let that happen.

The more I write about it, the more my anxiety ceases to exist and instead I realize more and more what is important in this life. That I cherish the family I do have... the non-toxic. The truly loving... and this circumstance has really showed me who CARE about me. Not because of any sort of relation but because there is real love running between us. With my mother, there is none. She cares of no one but herself. She doesn't care about my grandmother's health, what is best for her, what is best for her 2 small children or her 2 oldest and she sure as shit doesn't care about her brother's, their families, or her friends... that's just a show... to manipulate them into helping her when she needs it... and that, she fully admits. It's disgusting. But what's really sad is that when it's her turn to lay in ICU with her heart and kidney's failing... she may have no visitors at all.

Good vs Bad

Lately, my emotions have been taking a roller coaster of a life time. My mind races with so many thoughts... many times at once. And I think at this moment... I need to list them... good vs bad. Just to remember there is always good. So here goes it.

Good:

• I'm getting married - in 52 days
• Paul has only a few more months till Graduation
• We are moving - where we don't know
• Snowboard season is fast approaching (not fast enough)
• My Future M-I-L and I have gotten closer lately
• I worked out... and am trying to keep it up
• I got a new snowboard
• I have more than I need
  

Bad:

• My Mom & Grandma still don't talk
• My Grandma is sick and still not likely making my wedding
• My Uncle is sick
• My Mom is having some trouble
• I'm fat and need to get in shape
• I'm an emotional nightmare
  

That's all I can think of at the moment... it's not a terrible list I suppose. It's just that some of those BAD things are REALLY BAD to me right now.

I keep thinking that once I get married all the bad will go away, but that's not true. It is, however, a comfort to know that I'm marrying the one man that always makes sure where we are concerned... the good will always and forever heavily outweigh the bad. Even after 6 years of good, bad, ugly and indifferent, we can still look at each other and smile knowing that we'll have eachother's back, front, side, ... basically wherever we need it and however we need it... we'll bet here.

Planning

Sucks! I don't just mean wedding planning... I mean all planning. I generally plan all camping trips, snowboard trips, wedding trips and weekend excursions. I plan these things because so far no one else has stepped up to the plate. I also plan these things because I LOVE doing them... but that doesn't mean I like planning them.

I've said it time and time again... I hate planning for people who don't make it easy for you. Solid decisions need to be made or everyone is waiting on 1 person. And sometimes that person costs you a bit more money because of it.

I also hate when you ask someone for help and they say they will do it ... and then leave you hanging. Especially when what you need help with is for THEIR family.

I'm tired of planning... I want to just be invited next time. I know I like things how I like them and therefore plan ... even micromanage. But really... I want to just show up... and enjoy.

Last year I was hoping something like that would happen... I wanted to go on solo trips with friends... I wanted to experience that carefreeness. Instead Paul and Andy came... and that's fine. But it increased the stress and pressure of the trips. I had to be concerned about getting them beds... tickets... ensuring they got there okay... managing time. If I was just me... I would just sit in the back seat... throw a friend some gas money... and care about nothing else than that I have paid my share of the gas, beer and food. And we'd be riding our way into smiles.

I'm just tried and snippy I suppose.

Over and Over Again

Source

Wasting my time reading things that don't matter, talking to people who don't matter, surfing websites that don't matter instead of using my time usefully.

BVI? No Thanks!

I think I give a lot. I think I sacrifice for the better of my relationship. I know that Paul does too, but are the sacrifices equal? Do they have to be?

I am reading this book – the whole men are from Mars and women are from Venus book. Anyway… in the book it says that giving doesn’t need to be equal and you shouldn’t expect it to be, but you should never give too much where you feel resentment after. I think that’s beginning to happen to me.

When Paul and I begin this Boston to NY thing… I knew I’d be jealous of his countless new friendships and experiences that school brings. I knew that I’d be jealous of his trips and his fun. I knew I’d feel left out from his life he’d be living without me. And really… all these things happened. I think for the most part though, I was able to bite my tongue and move on with my head held high and hand firmly grasping his as a sign of solidarity.

Last year he chose to go to Thailand for about 2 weeks with school during Christmas break. It was also the 1 week I had off of work. It really hurt me that he chose to go. The hardest part was finding out from his mother rather than hear it from him. I struggled during that time to not be angry with him for going. I struggled to not be sad and upset. I finally was able to move on and get over it. He tried to go to Korea but it fell through. I tried to be supportive. Then … a few months ago he mentioned a BVI trip after graduation. It’s a Sloan MIT graduating class tradition. I told him that my answer was no… he nor I should go. We’d be newlyweds who hadn’t even lived together yet. We’d be newlyweds who hadn’t even honeymooned. We’d still have lots of catching up to do. We’d be broke and we’d be starting our lives a new. The last thing I want to do is go away, no matter how glorious the trip, with people who I hardly know (though whom are his friends) and celebrate with them. I want to celebrate us… together… alone! He also wanted to go to Argentina.

The Copa America is in Argentina this year - something that does not happen every year. He and Andy really want to go. I wasn’t immediately on board. I had wanted to honeymoon this summer… but the timing for Argentina seemed perfect. Why not! So I said okay we shall go so long as we can plan it out ahead of time and that we can afford it… post wedding expenses and all.

Today Paul brought up a Utah trip he asked me to think about. I thought that it was a good compromise to go. It was a chance to get to know his school friends a little bit better and to do something we both love… snowboard. It’s right after the wedding and that’s a little rough. It’s also the last weekend he’ll be home before he has to move back to Boston to finish up his last semester… but I thought … with no other trips under my belt… and so few left in his with these people why not!

Then he slammed me into a wall declaring that not just does he WANT to go to the BVI trip… he’d rather go to that than the Argentina trip and the Utah trip combined. My heart sank. What part of compromise did he miss? Do I not sit at home waiting for him to graduate every day? Do I not trust him like many people can’t? Do I not give him everything I can just short of losing myself? Do I not try so very hard to make him happy? Why then can he not just give me this? Why is it so hard? I know this trip is huge. I know this trip is highly discounted? I know we likely won’t be able to do something like this especially at this cost. I also know that if I give too much and lose myself… I won’t be able to give anymore. If I can no longer give, there is nothing left to gain. And if there is nothing left to gain… this relationship will end before it’s had a chance to really grow.

Why do couples do long distance? Why do they bother getting more degrees? Why does school have so many trips (non educational at that)? Why are students so selfish most of the time? Why do I bother?

Halloween

For some, Halloween is a time to get your hootchie on and shake that booty at the dance club, for others it's a time to let your creative juices flow and create a costume that will bring back old memories, bring awe struck looks, or endless laughs, and then for others it's just a time to be your goofy self.

I used to fall into the 2nd category, but lately I'm falling into the 3rd. Timing and death can do that to you. This year I spent the time with Paul's Mom & my family easting food and chatting... then dressing up in our funny/pretty garb and trick or treating. It was fun... and I'm glad I had yet another memory with my family.

We had Teddy Friend, Taco, Alice in Wonderland, Cleopatra, Marc Anthony & of course a Hot Dog

We hung out with Paul's Mom & her friend

My Mom was a demented Doctor... out to get us all.

We even had our very own Devil Dog

A cute photo of the married couple... and a random hot dog walking down the block

My sister's striking a pose

Your high calorie food items for the day... with hot sauce!

Yes kyle is making a duck face... why... I don't know

Thought Questions:

Lately, I've been busy... to busy. I haven't really blogged and I haven't really read, but today, I can catch up a bit. Many of you know that once Andy had sent me an email with some excerpts from thoughtquestions.com and now I'm hooked!

So here are a few from the last few days:

I can name a few things I really want in this moment. I don't know if I truly want 1 more than the others but if I had to chose 1 I'd say the health and love of my family to flourish. Not just my blood family, but my whole family.

I'm waiting for Paul. Once he finishes school, we can begin to plan our short term life together... but we've wasted no time thinking and dreaming about our future.

I honestly believe that what makes love last is mutual respect. I believe that with respect you allow your relationship to be filled with God, love, understanding, trust, etc...

I've learned what it means to try and be more than I am. And I think in trying to be more than I am... I've become more than I was.

Very little comes from suffering. You must work hard, pray hard, try hard and love hard to accomplish all good things, but through those times, you may suffer. The results do not come from the suffering. It is only a byproduct.

Happy, married in a healthy relationship, a mother, I friend, a companion, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter and a better human being than I am at this moment.

Making my mother-in-law happy and helping her feel loved.

4 Weddings

Has anyone heard or seen this show on TLC? It makes me sick to my stomach.

1st off - some background:
4 brides compete to win a honeymoon of their dreams. The way this works is for each bride to attend eachothers' weddings and are then told to rate them from a score of 1-10. In the end, the bride with the most points wins.

I hate this show for the simple reason that they take marriage out of wedding. How dare some one else compare what they believe is a good wedding based on the weather, the body type and dress fit, venue location, food choice and liquor availability. It makes me sick.

Not just do those women not deserve a free honeymoon, but they don't deserve a marriage... they need to 1st evaluate their priorities and remember a wedding is not about the wedding DAY but about the MARRIAGE that they will live EVERY DAY.

Siblings

I'm glad I have so many... and the in-law kind too!


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

M-I-L

I simply have one of the most amazing mother in law's in the world. There isn't much more to say than that. She raised two amazing sons. I'm lucky enough to be marrying one and be best of friends with the other. She struggled and worked hard to give her kids a life that she thought they deserved. She sacrificed so much for her family. And she just gave the biggest gift through one of the biggest sacrifices anyone can give... she extended the life of her two boy's father... by giving him one of her kidneys. I've been with her ever since and I've learned so much about her... but what I learned most is that I can only wish to be as strong and forgiving and compassionate as this woman. And I can only hope to follow in her footsteps and raise children as well as she had.

She does everything with grace, dignity and love. And I admire her. I'm grateful and lucky to have spent these last few days with her. Despite the circumstances being what they are... we've talked, we've bonded, we've loved... and I've learned so much more about her. I'm truly grateful for this time, for this chance, for this opportunity to bring myself closer to one of the most exceptional women I've ever been privilaged to meet, let alone call one of my mothers.

I wish her a fast recovery and high spirits through the hard days. I know that they will come when we can no longer keep her mind and body occupied the way it must in these days after surgery. I also pray for the health of my father in law. I hope that he recovers quickly and continues to improve and work hard at treating that kidney the way it needs to be teated... with excerise, a proper diet and a proper attitude. I'd be honored to house one of my MIL meals inside me...let alone an organ. And I know if I was able to carry her with me forever, I would, and I'd provide that part of her a home it would deserve.

I love my new family... and I thank God that I've found not just a man whom I love more than everything on this earth, but a family that I'm proud to call my own. I'm happy that this little family of 5 (yep ... Daisy too) is now 6... and hopefully soon will become 7 and once that happens... I hope my children have the honor of growing up with Andy's and Lauren's and then this family will grow even bigger. I family who wouldn't think twice about giving a husband, brother, wife or cousin the gift of life.

Mrs. Socks

I am totally lucky that for the most part I get along with my future in-laws. I love his family... each and every member of them are loved... even when they make me mad.

His family has respect for me, my family, and my traditions, though they impose their own on occasion... that's normal. 2 families are becoming 1, right? So with that, some pressure to share your own becomes pretty apparent.

Either way... I'm grateful that I find Paul's parents completely caring and loving... as well as lovable. I am so happy that I can consider Paul's brother a close friend. Had he not been my future bro-in-law, I'd still consider him my friend.

Because sometimes you read something like this... and it makes you think that you are the luckiest woman in the world. I feel so sorry for her and what she has gone though... but it shows that once married... your spouse really does become your life!

Like in the Bible:

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
-Genesis 2:24

Reply Reply Reply

Tonight, upon getting home and checking the mail, I noticed we got our 1st response card back. I was kind of excited to open it... and once I did, I was less excited.

It's not that I didn't expect it. It's not even like I didn't already know. But opening your 1st decline is a little disheartening. Anyway... it is one of Paul's brothers. It is because of this that it brought me down.

This particular brother hasn't exactly been a big presence in Paul's life... especially at big events. He is quick to attend a BBQ ... eat and run. He is generally unreliable to be present at most affairs though. A lot of that had changed after his son was born... but it didn't change enough. He generally doesn't reply to RSVPs so I suppose we should feel grateful. He also manged to say yes to Paul's bachelor party.. then not show. Not only didn't he show, but Paul had to call his house and then talk to his wife... then to him before he made up some excuse. He never showed up to a graduation or any other big event either. So why act surprised? Well... because he and his wife talk a lot of shit about how we should be a bigger presence in their son's life. They want to do things together. They want to be asked to go to the Zoo when my company gives free tickets. They want to feel part of the family? Maybe. I think they are just so used to doing things the selfish way... that they are just using the people around them. Too bad too, because I liked seeing them.

So yeah... I'm annoyed. It just brought a well if animosity to the forefront. But this isn't about Paul and his relationship with his brother... or mine for that matter. It's about me and Paul... and I need to remember that. I need to not let the BS cloud my thinking.

But either way... ugh... some people really don't deserve your love or hospitality. I'll remember who should get cut from the list before I waste the money on invitations and stamps for the next event.

STEP OUT: to Fight Against Diabetes

Hi friends & family,
as many of you know, diabetes hits very close to home for me. Not just does it run in my current family, but also in Paul's. This weekend, I am participating in the Step Out to Fight Against Diabetes walk in NYC.

Through the years, diabetes management has been changing and improving. In order to continue improving the lives of people with diabetes, our support is needed. I know that money is tight and I know that everyone is trying to manage financially at this time, but even the smallest of donations can help.

Please go here to my page and support me and my friends on this weekend's walk. Our team is called Sugar High! We appreciate personal & general donations... really anything. It's time that the ADA get our attention!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this even if you are unable to donate... even spreading awareness makes huge differences. Also, feel free to pass this along to anyone you think may be interested in either participating or donating.


If you are having trouble seeing my page, please copy and paste this link into your browser:
http://main.diabetes.org/site/TR/StepOut/GreaterNewYorkCityArea?px=6374677&pg=personal&fr_id=7224

Invitations!

Our invitations are guest bound... they've been posted (twice) are on their way!

Apparently the bow on the invite caused us to pay an extra 44 cents per envelope. And... I was only able to have 50 Invites hand canceled at a time.... good thing I only had 42 domestic invitations. So after a long couple of days of tying, stuffing, stamping and sealing.... and then stamping again... they are finally on their way!

Why I'm Marrying Him...

I know exactly why....

I came rushing home Saturday after a great day bonding with my baby sister to see Paul, get dressed and get out the door to celebrate my brother in law's birthday. In that mad rush of driving, dressing, and drinking... I must have forgot something.

Sunday while trying to get through our long day of running around, Paul held a plastic bag up and said, "shouldn't this be in the fridge"? Yes... yes it should have been. It was a Costco sized $20 worth package of chicken breasts that I had asked my mom to buy me. And now... now that was chicken's dying for nothing, $20 wasted, and food in the garbage while many human beings are starving in this world.

So what's the rational reaction to such discoveries? Crying hysterically at all the above things of course! With my period flowing fiercely and my emotions being crazy... I lost it. I buried my head in Paul's shoulder and balled about the chickens, the money, and the food... and what did Paul do. He held me tight and told me that it was okay and that it was a waste but only a mistake and that it would all be okay.

So yes, I want nothing more than to marry this man. Not because he accepts my irrational emotional outbursts... but because he loves me. He loves me simply... which is easily the purest kind of love.

I will walk 500 miles

because this very much might be true....

My family... particularly my siblings!




The Proclaimers - I Would Walk 500 Miles
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All I really want to do!

2 weekends ago, I was with my brother. We were talking about different things... such as apple picking, season ski passes, skis, snowboard lessons, the weather, the seasons, etc...

A few hours later we were hanging out and he just said "I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. I feel like I just wanna go skiing. Like I don't want to play soccer or go to school or do that other stuff. I just want to ski all the time. I wish it was winter time."

Really - I couldn't have said it better myself. I wish you all could hear his cute high voice as he said it too!

Anger

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That's not hard to answer... I was lied to by someone I trusted with my whole self. I think feelings of hurt and betrayal bring about the worst types of anger. You become angry at the person whose hurt you and angry at yourself for letting them in close enough to hurt you in the 1st place.

Fall Craft Fair Today

Today is the fall craft fair!

Check out handmadebylilia.blogspot.com

What motivates....

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What indeed. Many things motivate me. I get short term satisfaction by doing my best in my projects and tasks and I get long term satisfaction in doing my best in my work life, love life, family life and individual life. There is never really a reason in my opinion to not do your best... would you ever want to do your worst?

I guess this one I'll have to mull over.

Venting

Without going into specifics - these last two weeks can easily be considered one of the worse of my year. Between a friends death and conflict in my relationship, I find myself lost and unmotivated. I'm finding myself falling into a rut I had long ago climbed out of.

My motivation to do anything is so non-existent it's left papers on the floor hallway, folded laundry on the couch, junk not put away and dirty dishes in the sink. When I get home... I don't want to deal with it, but just change my clothes and toss them on the bed frame, get under the covers and go to bed... and that's basically all I've done in 2 weeks. I'm ashamed to say it... but I'm a mess.

I looked around my livingroom and thought... omg someone will call that hoarder show on me... but I realize, I'm not a hoarder, I'm just a mess... a very big mess.

I started the gym and somehow I gained weight... and not the good muscle kind.

I have so much in my head and none of it is good... stupid people... why do they betray you and leave you lost. It sucks.

Best Man Gift

We have talked about it... and have remained stumped. What do you get your best man... especially one that tends to buy what he wants when he wants it? We want it to be heartfelt but not mushy. We want it to be useful and not just a piece to collect dust. We want it to be good.

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I thought this money clip said it all... it's all true and I think it's something our best man has only recently come to fully embrace.... and I have to say - I love that about him! I also love that he's been there for me when I began to fully understand what it is I want out of life and how what I want is nothing that my parents or his wanted for me... instead it's a meaningful life filled with love, respect and spirituality. It's not a career driven, money hungry life that tends to define success in the big city in current times. I don't think this gift would cut it - but I do think it would be a nice little add on.

We shall see what the FH thinks... because he never seems to agree with me.

Lies... how appropriate

After being lied to... I feel broken. I thought it was ironic... or coincidence that today the Thought Question is:source

So ... when was the last time you lied?? And how many lies did you have to say after to cover up that lie?

It's funny right... telling the truth is just easier than a lie. Not just is telling the truth admirable but telling the truth usually arrives at the best outcome.

Even the smallest lies and cause the most hurt. Even the smallest lies can create a world of mistrust. Even the smallest lies and cause insecurity. Even the smallest lies and feed feelings of betrayal, hurt and hate.

I've been brought up in a house with many secrets but was told to never lie. It was ironic... yes, but it was the truth. Lying only breeds hate and it only creates a mess where things are good. Why ruin a good thing with lies? My entire life, I've only hoped to be spoken to with words of truth, even if they were words that would hurt. The truth, no matter how harsh, are always recoverable... but being told a lie and then still finding out the truth... you suffer twice.

Some wise words:

Those who think it is permissible to tell white lies soon grow color-blind. ~Austin O'Malley

Every act of dishonesty has at least two victims: the one we think of as the victim, and the perpetrator as well. Each little dishonesty makes another little rotten spot somewhere in the perpetrator's psyche. ~Lesley Conger

Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure there is one less rascal in the world. ~Thomas Carlyle

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. ~Edgar J. Mohn

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback. ~Bill Copeland

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it. ~Mark Twain

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie. ~Robert Brault

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. ~Adlai Stevenson

What do you think...

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This question is a good one... maybe only because it has so many answers and when something like this has so many answers... you reflect. You reflect in all you are waiting for and reevaluate whether or not it is all worth it.

So here is a quick list... of random thoughts that came to mind:

• Paul goodness knows I've waiting a long time to be with him... almost 6 years of long distance back and forth and unknowns and still going. I'll still wait and it will all be worth it.
• Children I am not ready yet and neither is Paul but we are close. I'd never rush into having a family b/c of a feeling of losing time or reaching my expire date
• Not much else.... I think people shouldn't sit and wait... if you want to improve your life... begin working at it now. There is no way to change your world without action.

Words can only take you so far... only inches from where you stand. It is with action that we are brought to our potential. Striving for success is the only way to reach it. No one trips and falls into it by accident - even when it may appear that way.

Living a fulfilling life isn't something you wait for... it's something you strive for and work at!

My Sproradic I Want List

Every once in a while you see me type up and publish an I want list... things I'd purchase if money was no object and responsibility wasn't super strong with me...

So here goes it:

1. Rome Blue $275 or a Sierra Crew $199 (With coupon of course)
   
2. New Canon Lens $1000+
3. Kindle $189
4. Caribbean Vacation/ Honeymoon $1500+
5. Ski trips all winter long $XXXX
   

That's about it... they just so happen to be some high ticket items.

Books...

I finished yet another book yesterday. Ana Maxted's A Tale of Two Sisters.

It was not a great book, but it wasn't hard to read either. After all, I finished it in only a few days. It deals with some tough subjects... adoption, parenting, miscarriages, sibling rivalry, marriage, etc...

I am happy I read it ... but I'm unhappy I only have 2 more books left in my book case which remain unread. I'm running out and I had just spent $90 in Barnes and Noble.


I know I know - get the Kindle already! Ugh, how I will miss the smell of books - but I thought (or was told) that I should read books via the kindle and if there is one that really stands out ... that I must have - maybe just purchase that one... and leave the rest (like A Take of Two Sisters) to the EBook world.

That is a great compromise.

Scared...

Maybe. I won't lie. I'm a little scared... a little nervous.

A few years ago, I found a lump under my arm. It was there for years and I told no one. I guess I thought it was nothing. But then it started getting larger. I showed it to my Mom one day expecting her to say it was nothing... instead she freaked out and yelled at me. "Why hadn't I said anything sooner? Why hadn't I gone to the doctor's office?" Who knows... because I didn't think twice about it.

Eventually I saw my GP and he sent me to the oncologist. I was a bit nervous, but the oncologist assured me that it wasn't cancerous and just a sebaceous cyst. Gross right? A sebaceous cyst is a closed sac under the skin filled with a cheese-like or oily material. The assistant told me that if it ruptures, it smells really really bad. The oncologist wanted to surgically remove it and I let him a week later. I was there alone. I drove myself. I told very few people. And I had that nasty little sucker cut out of me... and I bled for days even with my stitches.

So a few years later I did it again. I saw this white mark on my lip. It has been there since spring. It wasn't going away and if anything, it's gotten bigger. I thought nothing of it... but one day I was annoyed by it and showed Paul. Usually he'd say... I don't see it. Or that's nothing. Instead he said, you should go to the doctor.

You'd think that would be motivation enough... instead I needed to think only that it would grow to unusual proportions before my wedding and I'd look like herpes face! I made an appointment with my overpriced midtown Manhattan dermatologist and .... well that was this morning.

She could see it right away. I guess it wasn't as small and inconspicuous as I thought. She told me she'd have to perform a biopsy... I hate biopsies. First of all, they hurt. Second of all, you don't get immediate results. Third of all, while you are waiting for results... you area thinking all sorts of worse case scenarios. I didn't help by going online yesterday looking up pictures of mouth herpes, lip cancer, etc...

Anyway... she gave me an injection of a local anesthetic which didn't hurt too bad... and then she took a knife and sliced a thin layer off my lip. After putting some antiseptic on it, she placed an obnoxious band-aid on and told me to leave it there for at least 1 hour... because it was bleeding. She also gave me quite a bit of gauze because she said depending on how I move my mouth it may continue to bleed throughout the next day or two. Just great.

And out of all days... I run into 2 full elevators, have people coming and going to my office (a usually empty space) and have a fire drill.

I look like a herpes infected patient. I look scary and contagious. No one should have to see me like this!

Anyway... hopefully it's nothing, but I suppose if it is... I have my wedding and Paul to thank for convincing me to get it checked out. I'll have to wait at least a week for the results... why can't things be on Lilia time? I want my results fast and immediate!

STD

I don't think I ever posted anything about our save the dates. I wanted to do lift ticket save the dates. It was something I wanted to make myself, knowing it could possibly cost a fortune going to a custom invitation printer. Through google images, Microsoft Word and Paint, I was able to come up with a nice design I was happy with. Then I bought some matte Staples brand photo paper because I liked the texture and the weight. With a glue gun and some wickets taken from a local ski shop - we were ready to rock. (Yes, we definitely statched up a few wickets each time we went riding at those mountains... and eventually had enough - we know we know... it's technically stealing).

This is the front of the save the date... the back has the wedding website along wtih a little note indicating invitations are to follow. By sending save the dates, our guests will be able book flights, hotel and car rentals early and thus taking advantage of lower rates.

At Staples I was also able to find some baby blue envelopes which fit the save the dates perfectly. On clear labels, I printed each person's name and address along side a blue snowflake. On the back we attached a label with our return address. Our international family members received the invitation with a stamp that had a mountain range image and our domestic family and friends received ones with wedding bands.

And that was that - we send them on their way.

I wish I had 4- 1st dances....

Because I love love love our song....

Smashing Pumpkins - Luna... you don't get much more simple in love than that.



But how can you not love Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life ... it speaks to our relationship and I love the mellowness of it.



Then there is Ben Harper... his voice screams romance and simple happiness...



& Then there is Jack Johnson's Angel... just wow. I love it...




I wish I could dance to ALL these songs with Paul. And I will... it may not be our 1st dance. It may not be our wedding day... but we'll sway... and stare... and love.

Can't Sleep

So this is not the 1st night I haven't been able to sleep lately. Some people stay up late watching TV... I stay up late reading like a mad woman. I get completely immersed in the stories I read so easily. Once I'm inside, I really can't stop.

I'm embarrassed to say that last night I stayed up and finished Breaking Dawn. It's the last book of the Twilight Saga. I'm not even a Twilight fan. I have no intention of watching the movies. I picked up Twilight on a whim because of all the hype. I read it and once done, wondered what happens next. This continued until I got to "the end" and now I know. Then I was awake and hardly able to sleep.

I started thinking about my wedding. Things I needed to do. I day dreamed how I'd feel... during our vows, walking down the aisle, during our 1st dance, while greeting guests, during that 1st night. I just thought and thought and thought.

Before I knew it - it was 3:30AM. What the heck is wrong with me!?

In any event - I did think... about Paul and what's important to me regarding our wedding. Many wish to cut the ceremony short to get the party started as soon as possible. They are concerned about impressing their guests and not wanting them to feel bored. I'll be honest, if any of my guest feel bored during my ceremony, they really shouldn't be there. We are going the full mass route but did decided to take away the unity candle and other unnecessary traditions that didn't really speak to us.

I want God to be part of our marriage and thus I want it to be a full mass. I also want to savor it. I want to breath it all in. It's the 1 time in my life to do this... and I'm going to take my time. I'm going to taste each flavor in the air. I'm going to savor each smell. I'm going to hear every word spoken like music. And I'm not going to cut it short or rush through it because a few guests are hungry or bored.

This applies to our 1st dance as well. It's our very 1st dance as a married couple. It's our dance. We chose a song that speaks to us... but it doesn't lend to a traditional waltz or even great dancing in general. But that's okay... because the sounds, the lyrics, the melody... it speaks to us. And I want to stare into Paul's big hazel eyes and fall in love with him all over again without the slightest concern of entertaining our guests... and then... when that is all done... then do we celebrate. And then I will concern myself with their happiness

Planning....

Things seems to fall in my lap constantly. Snowboard trips fall on my lap much of the time. Camping trips too. Same with many other events we go to on a regular basis.

I don't mind much of the time. I don't even care so much if it's appreciated, but I can't stand when people don't at least do their part. I hate when you ask people to be on time and they are not. I hate when you ask someone to purchase something and they don't. I hate when you ask someone to make a phone call and they forget. I hate that.

I hate planning things for people who don't do their part. I hate planning things for people who aren't enthusiastic. I hate planning events and people show up late. I hate inviting people to things and getting zero response. I hate that. I drives me nuts!

I wonder... if it happens with small things like dinner dates, camping trips, ski trips and the like... is it reasonable for me to expect different at my wedding? Probably not.

I need to mentally prepare because if I can hardly handle this now- imagine then!

Sometimes people don't deserve your hard work.

PMS?

Is that you?

I think so. I've woken up in some type of strange mood every day since Monday. It's not good - generally bad moods. PMS seriously sucks, but what sucks more is that I literally can't control my annoyance in other people. In general, no one can do right around me during this time. Everything someone says or does distracts me and gives me anxiety. Their chewing and breathing can make me angry.


But honestly - I think I'm like this all the time... but with PMS, I find it's hard to control.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tales of a Terrible Blogger

I've realized that I write less and contemplate more...

Lately, many negative things have been happening in my life. I won't deny that there have also been some good. But these negative things become overwhelming. You'd think that writing about them would help get them out, but instead I decide it's too personal for a public forum.

So I don't write anything. I find myself uninspired.

Hopefully tonight I can at least get my camera out for a little yarn photoshoot because much has been made and needs to be shown... but of course on the new blog for such crafts: handmade for you by lilia maria

Wedding Attire Update!

I'm so excited! Our wedding is NOT budget friendly. As a matter of fact, our budget friendly ideas backfired immensely.

We thought a destination wedding in the mountains would be cheaper than the big NYC wedding - WRONG

We thought flowers, hair stylists, cake, food, beverage would be cheaper too - WRONG

We thought it'd be very small, say 20-25 people - WRONG

But we are still happy. It shows that we have so many loved ones that we are able to to say we expected a mere 20 guests and will be having over 50 in attendance. Still small by traditional wedding standards.

We are thrilled that we are doing it in the Colorado mountains. In hindsight, I still think I'd pick Breckenridge. For the actual wedding, there may be better areas (Tahoe for example), but it would have cost our guests far too much money to fly out there. Breckenridge and Denver in general lend well to a destination wedding. Unfortunately the altitude does not. I will just hope for the best and hope that our guests do not get stubborn and rehydrate often, take it easy, and understand their limits.

One place we have really been able to save on our wedding is our attire. I will admit, my dress still cost more than any garment I've ever purchased in my life, but... it's my wedding dress! I didn't even entertain the idea of shopping at a high end boutique and instead opted for David's Bridal where I found my dress on a day that it was on sale. I got my $1050 dress for $850. I utilized the coupons from purchasing that dress to buy the crinoline I needed and received another 30% off invitations. So from buying that 1 dress from that 1 store - I saved in other areas as well.

Paul decided to buy a tux rather than renting. We have enough black tie events to warrant owning a tux and to return a rental within 24 hours of the event just seemed unreasonable. With a afternoon trip to SYMs, Paul was able to find a beautiful, classic, 100% wool tuxedo by Jones New York for only $199! You really can't beat that price. We then went to Jos A. Bank for this accessories where he purchased his vest, shirt and bow tie at 50% off.

Lastly, my sister's are purchasing their dresses from David's Bridal too, where they will receive $20 off their dresses. Lauren found her dress on our second try heading there. She loved the dress and really didn't want to take it off. She looked fabulous in it and I'm so glad she didn't settle for a dress our 1st time shopping there. She bought it promptly for a whopping $79! Amanda has already picked out here dress, but since she is still growing, I haven't yet ordered it. I will however, need to order it soon.

I will also need to purchase Hannah's Flower Girl dress and Kyle's suit.

Wedding Traditions...

That we don't think we are doing...

• Married in your home parish - it simply meant more to us to be in an environment filled with awe inspiring beauty ... barely touched by man and created by God
• Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue - really? what is the point
• Father giving the bride away - I am an independent woman... separated from my father for quite some time. I can give myself away to the man I love.
• White aisle runner - It is a church... you don't get much more significance of walking on holy ground than that.
  
• Unity Candle - We are quite comfortable that the two of us will have family unity (the large candle)... but there is really no reason to pretend like there is this unending unity between our individual families (the smaller ones). Besides - because everyone else is doing it, is not reason enough to have it be part of our wedding.
• Waltz or traditional 1st dance - we aren't traditional people. Smashing Pumpkins speaks to us so that is what we will dance to.
• Garter Belt toss - Honestly, a garter is a piece of lingerie, I don't need mine tossed to the single friends and relatives attending my wedding.
• Bouquet toss - what is the point. It means nothing and highlights each woman's singleness, some of whom may be proud and some ashamed. Why bother?
• Grand exit - we don't plan on leaving, we intend to finish off the night with our guests who traveled far to be there... not leave them there to wind down the night alone
• Throwing of confetti- it's to with the couple a fruitful union... but honestly it's impractical. Our loved ones can just pray that we have one instead.
• Tying shoes/cans to the car - we are sleeping in the hotel that the reception is being held. It would serve no purpose.
• Carrying the bride over the threshold- we'll see, Paul'd have to pick me up 1st
• Honeymoon - with a destination wedding, it's just impractical
• Veil - I still don't know if I want to wear one
• White - I'm still pure though not chaste but we don't need everything to be white to show that.
• Lasso - though a Hispanic and Filipino tradition, we wont be doing it
• Visit to Mary - though I pray to Mary often, I wont be walking to her with my mother during the ceremony
• Pinning of money to the garment - get real
• Veil ceremony - I don't like it's symbolism
• I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that immediately crossed my mind
  

Weekend Was Tough

This past weekend was really tough. Friday night, Paul and I had a couples massage scheduled for when I got out of work. I was really looking forward to some one on one date night action before he moved back to Boston. Instead he called up all his friends and asked them to come out for drinks. Instead of finding a place and sticking to it, we wandered around the city disappointed in each bar. I was 2 minutes away from hailing a cab and going home. I felt aggravated, frustrated, disappointed and in a sense, not good enough for Friday night company. I know Paul wanted to see his friends, but really?

Well there was still Saturday right? NOT! Friday Paul's Mom emailed me regarding his sister's birthday in PA. Paul so happened to forget to ask me about it. In the end we both thought it was only right that we attend. I love this sister of his. I love all his siblings, particularly the one's in PA. The relationship has been strained from the start (no fault of Paul's) and bridging this gaps are a good start on forming an ever closer bond. Unfortunately, the party lasted all day and we weren't home till past midnight. I had to go grab a Papa's car because Paul was taking mine. In the end, we went to bed and at 5AM Paul was out the door moving to Boston.... on the anniversary of my grandpa's death... only 2 years ago.

So yeah... I was sad all weekend. I was upset in the morning. I was worried how I'd be emotionally. With my mom not talking to my sister and me, my sister in FL and my grandma in VA - I was just ... alone.

I got through the day with little drama but lots of anxiety. I was sad about my grandpa but instead of really - REALLY thinking about him, I ended up thinking about my Mom and my little brother and sister. They were at church and when I went to them to say hello, my mother shunned me. I didn't let it stop me, I grabbed her cheek and kissed it hello. I will be respectful - and then whatever she does... you cannot pin that on me. What hurt me was my brother and sister who so fear my mother's wrath, actually ignored me and turned away from me. They were headed to my Uncle's for a BBQ. I was invited as well... and I went. I didn't care if my Mother ignored me, I was going to breath in ever second I could of my brother and sister before she again took them away from me.

Paul's Mom was with me at church and was invited to the BBQ as well. She stopped by for an hour or two. While there my Mom put on a fantastic show... as usual. She put her entertaining smile on and began to schmooze like only plastic can do. She even addressed me... of course only to boss me around. It's pathetic... this life with my family.

But I was happy... because I got to see my brother and sister and soak up hugs, stories, smells... love.

I went home and eventually went to bed. Monday morning means work... and it was a day filled with wedding talk, work talk, and tiredness. I felt I needed a much deserved manicure and pedicure but while sitting in the nail salon my grandma called. She got some bad news from the doctor. They want to perform an angiogram and put in a stent. She doesn't want the procedure done. She wants to discuss it with me... likely because she has no one else to talk to with my Mom not talking to her, her eldest son turning his back on her, and her youngest being stubborn and controlling. My sister falls apart and gets upset and angry every time she shares bad news... so it falls on my lap. But my lap is full, my heart is strained, my mind is confused and by supporting so many... I'm left unsupported.

I called Paul hoping to get some support - hoping for some relief, but he only made it worse. He was trying to tell me what to do. He was comparing my situation to that of his parents. He was fighting with me. Instead of just being there. Instead of just being supportive. Instead of just reassuring me that I'm not alone and that he'd help me every step of the way in any way he could. Instead of just saying... it will all be okay. Instead he finished with "Just face the facts! You are the only one! SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!"

Yep, you heard right... that is what he said to me after I pleaded with him to just please be quiet, not try to tell me what to do and instead just support me. And that sent me over the edge. That sent me spiraling down. I cursed at him and hung up the phone. No - not the best course of action. But, it was all I could do. I couldn't control it anymore. I hung up and cried.

Before I even spoke to him... I signed up and got pre-approval from my mental health insurance. I need to go back. I need to talk to someone who will actually listen. It's sad that I need to PAY someone to do this rather than having someone who loves me enough to try and do it on their own. But it's okay. I'm willing to go back. Right now ... it's all too much to bear and I feel myself falling apart and feeling sorry for myself. I can't continue to step in and be strong for everyone if I can no longer be strong for myself.

So far no calls back from any doctors in the area that can help... but I'll keep on trying and hopefully I'll find someone at a convienient location who can help me.

I miss my Papa... and I miss who my Grandma was before he passed away. I miss the life we lead before this all happened. I miss the family that only lives in my memories.

RIP Papa 08.29.08

Please Listen to Me

This is the letter I spoke about earlier. It was taken from our marriage prep book Marriage: Discovery and Encounters

My Beloved,
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell my why I shouldn't feel that way, you are telling me to deny my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me (strange as that may seem).

Listen. All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me. The giving of advice can never take the place of giving of yourself. I'm not helpless...or hopeless!

When you do something for me that I need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear...and weakness. But when you accept the simple fact that I do feel what I feel (no matter how irrational that may seem), then I quit trying to convince you and can get on with trying to understand what's behind my feelings. And when I do, the answers become obvious. And you know what? Your listening made that possible.

Feelings make sense when we try to understand what's behind them. That's why prayer works - sometimes- for people, because God is still and doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself, staying your "silent partner."

So please listen and just hear me. There are important times in our lives when we just need to be heard... not cured.

In anticipation,
Your future spouse.

copyright © 1998 ACTA Publications

What have you learned recently

that has changed the way you live?

This was the latest question on this site

I learned that my relationship with everyone around me is suffering because none of us (including myself) truly listens. What essentially brought this to my attention was pre-cana. I remember hearing all the things Paul had to say, but not until that day did I realize, often times I rarely listen. It's like that saying my 2nd grade teacher used to have us cut out of stenciled letters on colored construction paper and staple above the blackboard "To listen is to hear but to hear is not to listen" or something close to that.

We went home from pre-cana with a new perspective of each other and continued to do the workbook. Paul came across a letter to a spouse about listening. We both found it to be really thought provoking. I won't get into that now. Maybe I'll publish it soon and share it with you. It's seriously genius.

After all this listening and communication talk I realized that much of the time, when I listen to you, my friends, my family & Paul, I am barely listening. I hear all the words you have to offer, but I don't digest them. I don't let them resonate within my mind. I don't attempt to feel what you are feeling. Instead, I am comparing: comparing experiences I've gone through in an effort to relate, comparing my thoughts with yours, comparing my feelings with yours. Instead, I'm judging: not understanding why you do or feel what you do. Instead, I talk: if not aloud, in my own mind about what I think of what you said and what my response should be.

What I should be doing is listening to you with my whole self. I should be hearing your words with all of me and in doing so, truly listen. I don't need to give advice, I don't need to chime in, I don't need to judge, and I don't need to compare. What I need to do is simply listen and attempt to understand.

I'm sure we all do this, we all do it all the time. We are human and our minds our complex. Our minds jump from thought to though in nano seconds in a way that's far beyond controllable.

source

So how has this knowledge changed my life? I catch myself. I catch myself day dreaming as I pretend to listen to things I'm not nearly interested enough in. I catch myself thinking of what to say when you are speaking. I catch myself wondering random thoughts that have nothing to do with the conversation. I catch myself thinking of the long list of things I still need to do while you are trying to connect with me. I also catch others doing these things to me. I catch myself being heard but not acknowledged. I catch myself being heard but not listened to. I catch myself speaking too much and too often, being long winded and not to the point. I catch myself losing the audience that I hope will understand me. I catch them picking up their phones or blackberries. I catch them looking beyond me at something far more interesting. I catch us all not listening.

So I try to focus. I try to hear and to listen. I try to be heard and to be listened to. I try to talk in a manner that helps my partner and my friends listen to what I have to say rather than just hear it. And I try to listen to them. When my mind begins to wander, I reel it back in and try my best to focus. To focus on their words and those words meanings. I don't try to hear what's behind those words, or the double meanings that could exist, I just simply try and hear them for what they are because that is simply what that person is trying to tell me... no more, no less. And if they are trying to convey more through some other short of complicated game, it is not up to me to decipher. I will try not to do that to others either. I never agreed to play, I never read the directions or knew the rules, therefore, those things will be lost on me. Instead that is their need to learn to communicate, not my inability to listen.

So yes, that has changed my life and I'm hoping that I continue to work on my listening... true listening in the future.


Some tips on effective listening can be found here
as well as other relationship communication guides

Answer ME!

I don't know if this is common of wedding vendors or just wedding vendors in Colorado!

They never pick of their phones and rarely answer voicemails. It takes them weeks to respond to an email and at this point I'm utterly frustrated. It is poor business practice and unprofessional to say the least!

But I wanna go....

Last night on the plane ride home from TX, Paul told me his brother wants to have his birthday party in Miami and wanted him to talk to me about it. I knew why immediately... it wasn't the "Lil, want to spend the last weekend of September in the sunny beachy weather of Miami to celebrate A's 27th birthday?" talk, it was the "Lil, A wants to have a guys weekend in Miami for his birthday. You are okay with me going right?" talk.

Of course I'm okay with him going. Of course I'm also jealous. Being A's sister (in-law [future]) doesn't guarantee the same benefits as being A's brother (in any form). Because he's single. Because his best friends are all getting married (including his brother) in the next year or 2. Because I'm a girl. So I get left out of this trip too.



Paul and A have at least annual brother trips where Paul heads down to TX or A heads up to Chicago or Boston. This year they did a few more. Their dad being ill and our engagement changes perspective. Family becomes more important and old times are becoming faded into the past. Brother time is seldom and greatly cherished and of course there must be a fear that it may not exist in the same way post marriage. I must admit, that I feared something similar with my sister but the opposite was the case. Spending so much time together and trusting so much, you tend to encourage sister/brother/friend time in order to not lose a sense of self.

I hope that they have fun. Yes I'll be jealous holding down the fort here in NYC while Paul goes from Boston to Miami without a stop for a kiss on the forehead for his woman... stuck somewhere in between. But none the less, it's a jealousy I can swallow and say that I''' 100% hope that they have a grand time.

Now if I find out any other friends or relatives are invited + 1's ... then all this happy pushing myself to be excited for them crap will fall through the cracks and right out the window. Then it's personal and not fair. Then those boy's must fear my wrath hahaha.

So to A's big 2-7 in the MIA!

Tejas weekend

Today ends our weekend in Texas. I'm sitting on the bed in the guest room with sleepy tired eyes, waiting for the bathroom to be free so I can brush my teeth.

We got the tour, saw the bodies exhibit, met up with old friends, bonded with new ones and had some nice family time with Paul's brother.

This house is insanely amazing - mansion to us, mini mansion to others? Either way, it's beautiful and very nicely decorated.

So far so good. We had a blast. Today was a lazy day of cooking, BBQ, pool time, movies and soccer.

Tomorrow I begin helping out and working with Andy at his employer to try and get the financial processes running smoothly and up to an accountants standards... at least mine and Andy's collective standards. Hopefully I do a good job and make it happen.

So with that, the weekend comes to a close and my working in Texas begins... at least for 2 days.

wedding bands have been

PURCHASED

simple :)
elegant :)
classic :)
pricey :(