Monday, November 23, 2009

So what is there to say...

My mood lately has been odd. I've had my ups and I've had my downs. Nothing too crazy has gone on but this freaky weather and my increasing lack of motivation are starting to worry me. I don't feel like doing anything most of the time and it's as if I have a one tracked mind. All I want is to relax, snowboard, read, take walks ... and otherwise do nothing.

I really hope we get snow soon. This abnormally warm weather is starting to depress me. I want the temperature to at least drop so they can make snow. I want my weekends to be filled with snowwwww

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sierra Snowboard

SS & the community are pretty awesome... cool people who all have a common interest - riding! I have recently joined the crew and will hopefully be embarking on 3 of the 4 upcoming trips with them.

Jan - Colorado
Feb - Washington
March - Vermont
April - California

Colorado will probably be nixed for me despite my unending urge to go.

Long time no post

I've been feeling odd lately and have had no motivation or inspiration to write... but now I find myself back... with something to say.

Bored at work a while back I started google searching friends old and new on the internet for no reason but to see what would pop up. For some reason I decided I wanted to put in John Paul... my ex, my 1st love, and for sometime, my world. Well something did come up, which was surprising... his wedding registry.

I know, I'm engaged, I'm happy, why should it matter... I mean I suppose in the end it didn't matter but it was like I felt gutted and slightly empty. Maybe because despite everything, I still gave a small piece of my heart to him and now I finally know that part is free. Who knows, all I do know is that day I felt strange.

Saturday night I dreamed that JP and I talked... he found out I was getting married and was upset I had never told him myself. He was upset that despite calling every birthday and Christmas, I still couldn't tell him. So on Sunday night I texted him and we played telephone tag till Tuesday. And we talked... I told him about my engagement and he told me about his. We talked about how happy we were... and I wasn't lying. I'm so very happy for him and I'm so very happy for myself. When we broke up I thought I'd never find happiness ... I thought that he was my soul mate and that now I'd be selling myself short. Well I didn't and neither did he. We are both so ridiculously happy that we can talk about it without the least bit of guilt or awkwardness.

I wish him and his lady all the peace, happiness, health and blessings that God can provide for them. What a happy ending.

Friday, November 6, 2009

What lengths do you go for happiness?

Maybe this will sound crazy...

I feel like I need to be far away from the people I love in order to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but feel hopelessly enslaved by that love I feel. The unending sacrifices and unending depression that comes along with being related to my family is sometimes too much to bear. I know inside that no matter what I try, nothing will help these people. Misery is something they create for themselves. I will be sacrificing my own shot of happiness in order to fail at making other's happy. I know that I'll miss my family. For so long they've been my world. I think they will be okay... they will grow.

I need to be my own pillar of support rather than being everyone else's. But I don't have the heart to do it... I think there is only one way. I really think my will is weak in this regard and my only chance at persevering in finding my own life is to move far enough that they cannot rely on me and I can rely on myself.

I'm grateful that Paul is not just willing but looking forward to a move. I'll feel at ease next year once we have an idea of where we are going.

I pray for:
the Seattle area
the Portland area
the Denver area
the Vancouver area
I wouldn't even mind Vermont, New Hampshire & Maine - I pray that it works out.

Selfish & Selfless

I'm frustrated... I feel like lately I've given too much. I've given all I have and never expect anything in return... Well I do expect something. I expect that when I've exhausted all of myself... only holding myself together by a small thread, that people will understand when I say that I can't give more.

Paul's gotten all the best parts of me. I hope it's enough. I hope he doesn't need more; I have nothing more to give.

My Mother is in pain... physically and emotionally. I help her in all the ways I know how, but I had surgery yesterday and asking for me to help her now... it's selfish - I cannot and she needs to understand that even asking is ridiculous.

My friends - they notice my indifference to plans, yet seem not to understand why. I have responsibilities and I have needs... and without fulfilling them, I'll no longer be me.

Being ultimately unconditionally selfless becomes selfish... you spread yourself too thin not helping anyone and most of all - exhausting all of what you have left.

Self. Alone. Singular. You. Are. The. Most. Important. Piece. Of. You.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Needtobeathe is a Christian rock band that I am just in love with and this is a song of their new album that I love dearly. On the bottom is a video of a live acoustic performance of the song. When I'm feeling low or unworthy... music really finds a way to lift me up. Enjoy.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)