Tuesday, November 25, 2008
He never sat at the head of the table and he never carved the turkey, but he always cut up the queso de bola. He hardly even sat with us to eat. He liked to manage the kitchen, making sure the dishes were washed, the stove cleaned, and in general, I think we stressed him out. He liked to sneak in after the kids ate, grab some food, sip on some scotch and be merry. I'll miss it. As I got older, he was my Whiskey Man... my drinking buddy, my bff.
This year I'm fighting the urge to cancel Thanksgiving and order pizza. Unlike most people my age, gorging themselves on Thanksgiving fare, watching football and having some wine, I end up cooking all the food (aside from the Turkey). Lets be honest, the Turkey is the easy part, the sides are what takes up all your time.
I'm also fighting an inner battle to go to MD and see my Dad. He has been in and out of the hospital since September when he had his first stroke. He's had about 5 more since then, the latest being a bleeder. The treatment for each time is counterproductive so instead they didn't treat anything. Last night they did a test that concluded that his heart was creating blood clots that were going to his brain. These were causing the strokes that have left him partially in paralysis (which they admit may be temporary). After the 1st stroke he lost most of the function of his left side, his eye sight in the left eye, and his ability to process some information (reading, dialing the phone, every day things). He began to regain some of this and doctors thought he'd have a chance of regaining 90% of his functions within a year... and then he had another stroke, and another, and another...
Those who know me, know that I have a very poor relationship with my Dad. I haven't' seen him in 5 years (since my grandpa's funeral). I've been fighting with going to see him. I know I should, but I am having a hard time doing it. I don't know how serious his condition is... I don't know if I'll keep getting another chance. So maybe I just need to suck it up and go.
So this Thanksgiving is definitely a bitter one... surrounded by my family, good food (after all I cooked it haha) & football, inside I'll still feel whats missing: my pa, relaxation, and the sense of doing something right... I know I need to go to MD... I should, it's the right thing to do, right? Then why is it so freaking hard!?
My office has a “Winter Wishes” program. The NY Cares Winter Wishes program provides gifts to needy children during the holidays. ß I got that right from the website. Basically these needy children range from ages 4 and up. My office does not participate in the letters provided from Family Members (Adults). The gifts are generally no more than $40 excluding S&H. Many of these children suffer from some type of mental illness or financial difficulty and will not be receiving the gifts we are so used to seeing. Last year, I took two letters, one for me and one for Paul and we provided a nice arrangement of gifts (both on and off the list) for them.
This year I walked down to human resources hoping to obtain two more letters to help ensure two more kids get a nice Christmas gift from Santa. I rummaged through the letters and couldn’t take one! Almost 85% of the children wanted an Ipod, not an MP3 player, but an Ipod, and a touch no less. That is in no way under $40. Then another 10% wanted a digital camera or camcorder! And 5% wanted a PSP or other gaming device. What I don’t understand is this… why do the parents/supervisors not tell them that Santa is on a budget and to pick more age appropriate gifts. I wouldn’t take one, because I knew that I’d end up getting something NOT on that Christmas list and felt that I would just disappoint them in to thinking they weren’t good enough this year. Who am I to do that.
When letters are left over for no one to take, HBO does go on a shopping spree and provides a gift for each of the Children they obligated themselves to. No Child goes without a present. I’m still hoping we get an inflow of more letters to chose from. Children with more reasonable requests. If not I suppose I can go through my Church and buy children a gift from the “Giving Tree”. Either way, I hope to fulfill somebody’s winter wish… not just buy something under $40 which isn’t really wanted.
Am I being selfish… it’s not like I couldn’t afford a camera for this stranger… I just don’t feel right doing it – not to mention they urge you NOT to spend over $40.
Ugh, why do kids have so many expensive choices now a days. What happened to a new GI Joe or a Barbie. I’d even understand some of those electronics that are more child appropriate!
My Winter Wish is to take a 5 day nap… in a bubble where I can hear and see no one!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
This Thursday, I find myself over tired and under worked. Is that possible?- To be tired due to the lack of brain activity? I continue to sit here and consider my options: I can do some work that isn’t pressing, I can take a nap under my desk a la Constanza, I can watch TV on my computer, or I can write something creative.
Writing a blog can be thought of as creative. It takes some skill to write a blog that really reflects your thoughts. People tend to write what it is they want people to think rather than what it true – human nature, no? Regardless, blog writing is not what I had in mind. Many moons ago, I dove into my right brain (rare for us accountants) and managed to write some simple yet meaningful poetry. I used to think that I had a knack for it. It seems that in the recent years, I’ve lost that knack.
Musicians, specifically rock and alternative, have always been my “friends” when I needed emotionally charged lyrics coursing through my brain while loud deliberate notes pulsate through my veins. Then those same musicians find girlfriends, then wives, then they have children, and before you know it, they are living in a home driving a Volvo watching DVD’s of Barney (Blueray of course). Worse yet; those same musicians, who once sang with passion and feeling, now sing melodic pop tunes sending no strong message at all. Is the same to be said for me?
I haven’t written a good piece of writing since. I get a few thoughts on paper and give up. There was a time I’d write sentences and ideas on random bits of notebook paper, only to find it later and create something meaningful. The last time I was able to write anything I could consider valuable was while I tore my heart out crying over a failing relationship. Does this mean because I’m in a reasonably better place than I was, I can no longer tune into that right side of my brain? Has it now shut me out like so many groupies and fanatics turned their backs on the sell out bands they once passionately followed? Have I become a sellout to my once passionate self?
Maybe I’ll start again, trying to find that dark side, and along with it, that passion I once had… but is that passion to be coupled with depression? If so, then maybe I’m in a better place without the creative right side.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Now finding out that he is in pain and going through a bad time, I can’t help but feel I abandoned him by waiting so long to check up on him. But he had said that me reaching out to him was a good thing, and that it made him feel good… It’s amazing, here I am feeling guilty that I haven’t been there for him, and here he is, being grateful for my friendship.
I found myself unable to think of much else besides him this morning. I found myself more concerned for his wellbeing than the wellbeing of my father, currently at the hospital after suffering from 2 more strokes. I realized how much I’ve missed him.
I used to think of him as my local boyfriend… without the perks. I talked to him about everything, enjoyed his company, hooked my arm on his as we walked the streets looking for the next bar to enter, I even used to bitch and moan about my personal complaints about life. He was the perfect Paul replacement when Paul wasn’t here, though that wasn’t really fair to him. He got none of the boyfriend perks, no make out sessions, no sex, none of that. But all in all, he didn’t seem to mind and remained my friend non-the-less. I couldn’t have asked for much more. I was in love with my pretend boyfriend and couldn’t ask for anything else! Well maybe except for Paul coming back home, but even then, Paul being void of any emotion is not a complete package. Who is? My friend-“with-no-benefits” made me complete.
Now I find myself drifting off and thinking about all our times spent together anxious for our next encounter. I wish there was a way to explain to him how I feel about him… it really is like having a crush on a boy but this is platonic… it’s different yet very the same. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea of course. I guess I just miss him a lot… I crave our squishy hugs and our silly laughs… I even miss his insults that always kept me in check. Our relationship was definitely filled with insults and sarcasm… I believe that is a common denominator amongst my closest pals.
So I tribute this all to him… An entire blog dedicated to someone who will remain nameless but who is cherished as one of my greatest friends and on of the better people I’ve come to meet in my 26 years. I love you!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Any, despite my fever and hacking I managed to get dressed up last week to attend Paul’s family friends Sweet 16. Her name is Marianella and she looked wonderful. It was a great Sweet 16; definitely more classy than my own 10 years ago. Being ten years older than the majority of the girls there, I knew that I’d definitely look like an old lady, and maybe I did. But I hid my sick face behind some makeup and threw on my dress and was well on my way. I’m glad I went, meeting Paul’s extended “family” even if only from his past, is always a way to get to know who he was and is all the better.
Friday, the 14th, I hopped on a plane with Paul and headed down to Delray Beach/ Boca Raton, for Erica’s wedding. Erica was a friend of mine at PwC and though we were friends, I never thought that I’d be one of the 3 people she’d be inviting to her wedding from our old job. I felt honored and I was glad that I was able to make it there.
The rehearsal dinner was at the Restaurant in Neiman Marcus. I didn’t even know there was one! Anyway, we knew no one there except the bride and groom. I thought it would be uncomfortable and that we’d be hoping it would be over fast, but everyone there was totally friendly and I had a great time with everyone. I was glad we went because that only meant that we’d know more people the next day at the actual wedding.
During the days, we had no wedding related events so it was a chance for Paul and me to relax. Relaxing isn’t something we do often, so when we get a chance, it’s great! Friday, we went to a micro brewery and had some lunch, checked into our hotel room, and sat poolside before deciding to go to the mall and make a few purchases. Paul found a great Tommy vest for the winter and some cufflinks (since he forgot to pack a pair). I was able to find an inexpensive black clutch for the festivities along with a black strapless bra since I cannot find mine anywhere. As for my other exciting purchases, I went into Sunglass hut and bought a pair of Ray Ban aviators (my 1st pair of big girl sunglasses) and then I skipped into Swarovski and bought a pair of crystal earrings to match my bracelet that Paul got for me as a surprise on our family cruise a couple of years ago.
Saturday we spend the day at the beach and we must have been 2 out of 30 people there. It was so nice, quiet, and private. We had a blast and the weather was great!
Sunday we decided to skip brunch at Erica’s parents and instead drive up the coast and visit different beaches and restaurants. We ate at a good seafood restaurant by the water and then headed to the airport to come home. All in all a very amazing weekend celebrating Erica and Alex’s wedding and at the same time celebrating Paul and my relationship. We relaxed and made sure to acknowledge how much we appreciate each other. I couldn’t ask for a better weekend.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I'm not writing to tell you my thoughts or feelings, I just wanted to share the transcript of Obama's Acceptance Speach last night at about 12:15 eastern time (I guess that means it was this morning).
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I've noticed that for the most part, everyone I know is not just voting, but very proud of the fact that they can and are. I know a few people who aren’t voting because they failed to register at their current residence or are out of the country and couldn’t be bothered filling out an absente ballot, but they aren’t my concern. Voting is your responsibility... and who you vote for is your business. I'm not going to tell you to vote, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for, and I definitely am not going to judge you based on any assumptions.
What I will tell you is that I do not appreciate or respect the dozens of forwards I've received in the late months with links to videos or attachments of powerpoints littered with false accusations. I've received many which are so obviously laced with racism and I find it disgraceful. I've received maybe a dozen more filled with lies. You'd think that people haven’t read a news article in a news paper written any better than the NY Post. Or worse yet, they haven’t read one at all. You'd think that the people who created them live in some fantasy world that no one really knows about but themselves. People amaze me with their ignorance, but what amazes me more is their willingness to spread that ignorance to others.
For the most part, upon receiving these emails, I can tell right away based on the subject line that they are politically driven and I click delete. What amazes me are the people who’ve sent them to me. These people are my friends who I always thought were educated, smart, and more importantly respectable. How then can they honestly forward these emails along and think themselves mature. It is parallel to the spreading of rumors in high school.
What gets me the most is the huge possibility that people receiving these forwards know nothing else. These people may have never watched a presidential debate, read a NY Times, or turned on CNN. All their political information has been gained from talk on the street, the front page of the Metro/AM NY or worse, comics. Then they receive these fabricated story lines created by bored uneducated individuals and knowing nothing else, believe them to be factual and informative. Those very same people take that information to the voters’ box. Maybe the uneducated creators of these emails aren’t so uneducated after all; maybe that has been their purpose all along.
Think about it…