Thursday, October 29, 2009


I've talked about it - I read ... a lot! I mean, I go through books more often than I need to throw out my trash. Yesterday, during lunch I finished yet another book. Luckily I had one waiting here on standby so my commute home wasn't filled with people watching, day dreaming, and reading the signs on the subway.

I stayed up till about midnight last night... curled up in my bed, reading... There aren't many other things I'd rather be doing. Well maybe laying out on the grass on a cool day when the sun warms you just enough to be comfortable... but that time of year is done. I also enjoy the occasional cushy couch next to the hot fireplace on a cold, wet day. But all those things are never appreciate for long... unless I have a book.

During my conversation with Paul, I talked about how I am again beginning to all too quickly fly through my stack of unread books. This is only 4 days after our trip to Barnes & Noble where I needed to buy just 3 more. Maybe I should have accepted the Kindle as a birthday gift this past spring. It would after all be better for the environment & possibly my wallet. I just couldn't do it though... I LOVE to read. I mean I cannot really express it any other way. But I LOVE books... the whole experience.

He talked about some friends at school who were very booky and had kindles and they loved them. But they probably aren't really "booky" they are probably just readers. Readers love to read. Now I am booky. I don't just like to read the book, I like to feel the pages. Smell the book. Look at the way it's printed. Feel the pages between my fingers. I am a booky. It's an obsession, but there are worse things. I still feel guilty ... the trees, the waste, the money... what to do?

I dream of one day having that home library - however small it might have to be. Windows. Natural Light. Fireplace. Pages and pages and pages....

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009

Snowboard Pants

Sometimes I wonder if it's me or the industry... the clothing industry. It was one thing when girls started wearing skinny jeans, but now men are too... and now even snowboard pants are coming skinny!

I recently ordered a pair of Sessions gore tex "Rush" pants and of course the matching gore tex "Pixie" jacket. I couldn't wait to get them in the mail and when I did, I immediately tried them on only to discover the pants didn't fit. I know I'm not a skinny girl, but I am not full figured... I'm a girl with an average waist and a larger than average ass. Well these pants were tight in the booty area. I did get them on, zipped & buttoned but I couldn't imagine riding in such tight pants. Then I looked down and noticed the pants were falling shy of my ankles. They were simply too small in all respects. I frowned as I went online to print out my return label to send them back. Even the pic on the left looks short no?

I just don't get it... for the butt to be small, I expect ... even regular jeans give me trouble. I usually have to get a size much to large for my waist to fit comfortably on my butt and thighs. But even length... what's up with that?

In any event, I just ordered the Roxy Shimmer pants which are also gore tex and though they don't match my jacket in brand, I think they will compliment them nicely. But it still makes me wonder who they are making these pants for... the girls who sit in the lodge sipping diet cokes and hot cocoa? The girls who can really bust through the pow, stomp landings, and grind rails have some muscular legs - where are they squeezing those muscles into?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Some Very Exciting New Purchases

I say I'm not a shopper, but my fiancé would disagree. It's not to say that I shop often, or even in the most fashionable and trendy stores, but I do come home once in a while with a bag of goodies. Last weekend I was set on visiting my mother. My sister and her husband were going and I hitched a ride asking if at some point we can stop at Marshals to look at some winter coats. I was in need of a classic black, yet fashionable, coat. And boy was I in luck!

I walked quickly through the boots section because, lets face it, what girl doesn't love shoes. I found a pair of Coach Juniper boots in white. I looked at them and smiled explaining to my sister that these would be perfect under my wedding dress (the one I still haven't come close to trying on or finding or shopping for) during the outdoor photos at my destination Breckenridge, Co wedding. She told me to try them on and if I find a pair that fits, to just buy them. She said to throw them in a closet all boxed up just waiting for next year... white, perfect, warm. They aren't as cute as the guess wedge boots I found, but these are more practical. The soles are white and they are nice and flat... much more reasonable when trying to walk into the heavy snow. What do you think? - ooo I forget - I got these for a steal of $100 which is 50% less than the MSRP!

So now great purchase number two! I went into the coat section grabbing every black coat in my size that was wool, made well, a decent brand, and closed to the neck. I didn't want a traditional wool coat that left your neck exposed needing to be covered at all times in a scarf. That's when I found a Cole Haan wook and alpaca blend coat with an asymmetrical zip closure and tie belt. It looked adorable and was only $250. Also 50% off the MSRP. I have done searches online and haven't even come close to that price. I tried it on, got approval from my sister and threw it in the cart. Thoughts? I thought it was a classic style that won't be going out of style... ever.

So I made out great with those 2 luxury items at prices I could afford.

Then yesterday I stopped into a store where I bought my 1st pair of skinny jeans. Yes, I now own skinny jeans and a pair of skinny chords. Also for a steal! I love a good bargain. But now I cannot buy anything else... not till like um 2012 haha.

Happy shopping

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

girls + friends = fail

why girls + friends = fail...

When we envisioned our wedding many months ago, I was already a bit down about the fact that I have very few girlfriends. I mean, I do have friends; it’s just that God had blessed most of them with a phallus. There is just something different about being with a girlfriend though. I’m thankful for my few cousins I can treat as friends and my sister who doubles as all around lean to when I need her. Though we are all super different, we all care about each other and that always shines through.

My sister’s wedding marked a beautiful and amazing beginning for her and Bryan. They will forever remember that day as the day they start their married lives together. That day also marks the end of me and my best girl-friends relationship. Well maybe that’s a lie… it had been deteriorating well before then.

We had never been expected to grow close, we were never the ideal girl duo, we were never even particularly regular in our relationship but one thing led to another and we became friends. It went from brief meetings for drinks, parties and get together to dinners, shopping, drinks, midnight snacks, and sleepovers. We began to see each other more and more relying on each other’s company to fill some void that we ourselves created in our lives. Our only priority was to feel good and that we did. We would drink to excess, indulge in TV, fatty food, and people bashing. We could talk major game… but I doubt we’d have ever backed it up. Our mutual hatred for a former best friend would seal our bond.

About 2 years went by of this unhealthy behavior. Rather than encourage each other to pick ourselves out of our rut, we enabled each other by providing excuses for one another, being each other’s partners in crime. Then it all came to a crashing halt. Paul moved home and I found a new job. Life changed – it was picking up. I was happy. I started seeing this BFF less and less and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t one of the reasons. Granted she had her own daemons clouding her judgment which only made it harder, but I didn’t want a Debbie-downer in my life anymore. At one time, that negativity fueled the release of my own, but now I wanted only the positive and happy in my life. We tried… and it was not effortless.

More time passed me by and I began to feel like we had less and less in common. Things she did irked me. I’d constantly feel like we were building an ultimately unilateral friendship. Our only common ground was our negativity, our rut, our issues, but now that we were both evolving, we didn’t have that to grow on. Like a bacteria, we didn’t have that warm moist place to fester together and grow. We took a trip to try and celebrate a birthday, get away, and reestablish our relationship. I’d told Paul that I needed to do this, that I needed to see what we had going for us and show her that I still cared about her, but while I was there, I continuously noticed little things that just made me feel like I give to much and receive to little from this friendship. Never anything major, but the little things become significant sometimes.

In the end, the straw that broke the camel’s back was my sister’s wedding and the tactless and reasonless way she went about ditching it. An IM was definitely not the medium to let me know she’d no longer be attending my sister’s wedding in 2 weeks because she simply didn’t have a ride. I mentioned the LI Railroad or a cab, but she said she thought it was impossible. Needless to say this selfishness was enough for me to realize that I was wasting my time. She RSVP’d months ago with many opportunities to commission a ride or save money for a cab. She had countless opportunities to put some effort into this instead of making a last minute ½ assed attempt to show up.

My sister was upset and felt disrespected but clearly stated that thought it puts her out, she can just forget it because in the larger scheme of wedding related stress, this isn’t one she’s going to lose sleep over, where as for me, it was really a wake up call. The anger flooded me with no ebb in the flow. This wasn’t just disrespectful to my sister, but it was a blatant disregard for me and my family or the countless times we try to make her feel welcome… invitations to family holidays, to my mother’s home, my grandmother’s home, rides so she wouldn’t have to step a pretty little shoe onto a subway platform alone late at night, food, and for what… this? Oh no, not anymore. The next evening was the last time I have seen or spoken to her… why did I see her?

Because she actually showed up at my sister’s bachelorette party. She didn’t attend the dinner. She only came out for drinks afterwards. She walked into the room, no one expecting her to show her face, and the air literally left the room. I couldn’t even look in her general direction. It was like I was pained to even know I was in the same room with her after fighting to not be angry on my sister’s day. After attempting to talk to her for a small while, trying to make peace and make the best of the moment, she went into the bachelorette party she attended the night before. I couldn’t help but think that she had prioritized that party over my sister’s, but I didn’t care. At this point my only though was, why are you here? Why are you talking to me? Why are you drinking our drinks? Why are you ruining our good moods? And how can you do this all in a span of 2 days?

She finally decided it was time to go home and handed me some money… I told her it was too much and gave her some back. She did drink our alcohol, but I wouldn’t say enough for the money she had given me and then it struck me… why not stay home that night… keep the money she offered for a few glasses of cheap vodka and put it to a TAXI to get to my sister’s wedding… even if only from the railroad to the event. Oh wait, that would require putting thought and effort into it… God Forbid!

So that’s where I end up… I never really had any girlfriends to begin with and now the one who I thought was, I realize, now isn’t. I still thank my lucky stars I have my sister and cousins.

This is the 1st time I’m writing about this despite that it all began in August. I think part of me needed to push it to the side and ignore it for the sake of my sanity, but then it started to seep back in along with the anger I feel towards her.

In the end I know I’m doing the right thing by walking away and filling myself with positive energy and positive people. But sometimes I wonder what is going on in her head. I wonder if she’s happy with herself. I wonder if she feels lonely. I wonder if she is replacing me with her usual suspects of people who think she’s a good time and find her sarcasm and negativity entertaining, but would throw her under a bus before putting her 1st. Then I have to remind myself it’s not my business or my responsibility and to just move forward.


Today is melancholy. I woke up tired but excited after a late night celebrating Dave’s birthday. I came home after 12 – the E train was still not running ugh! – Anyway, Paul had fallen asleep and it was hard to have a good night sleep while I worried about him in the back of my mind. I worried something may have happened or less dramatically, that he had gone out and was not going to have a good night sleep and might miss his train to Mercedes today.

Thankfully, bright and early my phone chirped with a text from Paul. He was fine and had just fallen asleep before I’d gotten home. The worry wart in me was relieved but my realistic side knew better than to worry.

So this morning I woke up, shaved my legs, moisturized until my skin wouldn’t absorb anymore, threw on a cute dress and mega high heels (I fell short of make-up and cute hair). I put myself together in something I thought he’d notice. So he would know that I was excited for him to visit.

Then in the afternoon I got an email from him that there has been a change of plans. His train broke down pushing is meeting from noon till 4PM and that he wont be do home till after 8. So much for him seeing my cute outfit. Oh well – I won’t let it ruin the fact that he will be home … no matter when.

But then it left me hallow. I don’t know why. Maybe it was a conversation with a co-worker today. He’s engaged and his fiancé is also in an MBA program. I just don’t think you can compare as much as he’d like to though. Paul and I are in a similar boat, yes that is true, but Paul is in another state unlike his fiancé who is right here in good ol’ NY. I know that it must be hard for him just like it’s hard for me, but I just don’t think they are comparable. But anyway, our discussion was really beginning to upset me. He has such a negative outlook and me, being more positive on this one, was kind of brought down from my cloud with the things he said. I’m looking forward to seeing Paul tonight if only to prove him wrong.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Today is 10/20

Yesterday, I began a blog. It was going to be about wedding planning progress, but honestly, my wedding is over a year away and I'm ALREADY sick of planning it. So we shall get to that another time.

In the mean time, today is my ex-boyfriend's birthday. His 27th. I suppose this should mean nothing to me, but I'd lie if I said it didn't. John Paul is my ex-boyfriend, but he is still very much my history. We do not keep in touch per say, but we have not let a birthday or Christmas go by without at least a text message. So today he received his Happy Birthday text message and I always wonder when I send it what he might be thinking. I wonder if he wishes this weird backwards tradition of ours would stop. I wonder if he reminisces about the good times we might have shared. I wonder if he looks at it and says, why? But in the end, I just remind myself that it's a small act to remind each other that despite not being a couple anymore, despite finding our own separate paths, that we do care about each other. That we want each other to be happy and find love... even if that means elsewhere.

People have asked me if he's seeing someone, what he's doing with himself these days, where he lives. All I can tell you is that he has the same cell phone number and that he still attends American Martyrs Church, where I've seen him a few times during mass. I don't know what's going on in his life, but I pray on his birthday that he is content and happy with everything he's done. I hope he feels accomplished with his last 27 years and I hope he is positive about the next years to come.

Today is also my friend Dave's birthday. Tonight I'll meet him for dinner to celebrate. He is a vegetarian who occasionally eats meat (he's funny like that). Anyway, for his birthday he has invited a few people to join him in a vegetarian dinner. I'm excited to celebrate with him. He is a truly good person and I'm happy for his friendship. Sometimes I think he is a little different alone than in a crowd but who of us isn't. I prefer him when I have him to myself... I suppose it's because it's when we talk about personal or maybe even meaningful things... rather than endless chatter over endless drinks.

So today I am thankful for the birth of an ex-boyfriend... former best friend... and a huge part of who I am today. And for a not so new but still new friend... who I've found to be a true sweetheart.

And mostly I'm happy for Paul - who understands my need to keep in touch with John Paul even if it's in this strange way. He understands that John Paul is my past and that he will stay there, but that he was also my best friend for most of my life and that is something you can't always take away. I'm thankful for his trust and security. I'm thankful to have so much in my life - past and present.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Asian Disasters

I'm sure many of you have seen either on the news, internet or the paper about the death tolls in Asia due the the recent natural disasters.

Today it was reported that the Indonesia quake death toll rose to 739 people with 295 people still unaccounted for. Additionally, 2,219 people have been injured. 410 survivors are living in tents and makeshift houses. This is so sad.

Typhoon Melor hit Japan yesterday, Oct 8, 2009. The current death toll is only5, but 100 have been injured and over 400 homes have been damaged or destroyed.

And my home country - the Philippines. Much of the Philippines is under water after back to back storms across northern Philippines. Typhoon Melor managed to stop over the Philippines. The rain has caused major flooding and land slides. The death toll is now soaring past 540 after rain triggered landslides killed over 100 more people. Many people are still missing.

I tell you this because I ask for your prayers for all the dead, their families, and the families still suffering.


So we are 80% certain now. I've talked to my boss and he told me the weekend he thinks would be the most appropriate to get away. And get away I intend to do.

Paul and I are hoping to have a winter wedding in Colorado but we don't feel comfortable making arrangements from so far away. We are hoping to make it out there this winter to organize a trip.

From my preliminary research it looks like we will be able to and get in some ridding to! I cannot wait!


Missing the snow

Today started off as a slow day at work. That being said I took to the Transworld Snowboard website (for girls). I checked out the regular site too. I read up a bit about the now ended South American all girls snowboard camps and some interviews of sponsored riders who trained or filmed this summer. I even read all 40 reviews for the Goodwood test. I wonder... am I missing winter? More than just a bit.

Don't get me wrong, the fall is a pretty amazing season. It reminds me of soccer, school & the past, apple picking, family, and the colors ... they don't compare. I fall had always been a favorite season but it's also like a tease. It's like a Thursday... so close to Friday, yet not close enough. I yearn for snow... those snowy weekends that make my heart flutter and my head spin.

I'll admit, I'm no Leanne Pelosi, Torah Bright or Colleen Quigley ... I don't even deserve to touch the snow they ride on, but I will admit that I look up to them. These girls are from all different ends of the spectrum... West Coast Canada, Australia, New England... and they all shred like they were born with a deck on the bottom of their feet. Sometimes I look at their photoshoots and I can't help but feel in awe. These girls are hot... I mean like models. They have great bodies, beautiful faces, and fun personalities. But they are also smoking hot while they run the mountain like they were born to do nothing but.

I read a few articles about the women's snowboard camps... these are for girls who are already in the know! They have a skill set to be able to tackle at least the basic tricks in the park, can run every trail, and can handle their own off the trail. I am in no way qualified to be in a snowboard camp... not now and probably not ever. I am paralyzed on the mountain.

I progressed quickly. This will be my 4th winter on a board and off my skis. I can ride most marked trails at my own pace but I never feel confident. I clench my fists even on the runs I know I can handle. When I reach speeds that most would find exhilarating, I find myself bracing for my next big wipe out that will for sure knock me unconscious (at least that's what I'm thinking). It inhibits me from improving. It inhibits me from trying new things. It has become a horrible horrible thing because I know I could be better... a stronger rider.

2 years ago I was a completely different rider - 3 years ago I was more or less pathetic. I still remember 3 years ago, going to Windham mountain with Jerry, Paul and a few others. It was the 1st time Paul saw me on a snowboard with my new boots. We did a blue (that I thought was a green) together as a warm up. I amazingly kept my edges, held on, and did great. I not just surprised Paul, I surprised myself. I thought I'd have to go down the whole way on my butt. Even Jerry said I wasn't as bad as he thought I'd be. Especially seeing how scared I was even on my skis and that I've done since I was 8! But then came the recommendation to do the dreaded Upper Whistler. It's icy and steep on one side and moguls on the other. I was not ready and though I tried, I nearly broke out in tears. I could not get down even 5 feet before falling. Paul thankfully stayed with me. And of course it was located right under a lift so I had 10 year olds putting me on blast - but I got down. I don't think I tried to tackle that run the rest of the day... or the next.

Only a year later, I was faced with Upper Whistler again. I didn't shy away from it. I decided I needed to do it. I said nothing to anyone. I didn't object. I didn't vocalize my unending fear. I just followed the boys. And I did it! I was able to get down. It didn't feel as steep. It didn't seem so unmanageable. I did it - end of story. When we got to the bottom I stopped Paul and told him... I conquered it. Recalling last winter, he smiled. He was proud. But sometimes... making people see that you can do it can be worse than having them think you suck.

After that moment it become obvious I was improving and people expected that fast pace to continue. And it did... until my mental block became all too obvious. In the beginning it was Paul who lost patience. He sensed my aversion to tackling the scary, the big, the lumpy... and he'd get annoyed - pushing me to the brink of anger. But sometimes his being hard on me worked, other times it was discouraging. Jerry saw this a mile away and would tell me to ignore Paul. That maybe he was carving lines too tight for me to follow. He said Paul maybe was expecting too much. Being the most thoughtful I've ever seen him, he'd try to help me. He helped me get through some small moguls. He helped me gain confidence. And he'd wait at the bottom of every major hill to watch me get down... safe and sound. He became my "snowboard boyfriend." But only after a year and a half of his encouragement he saw right through me. I was better than I was letting myself be. This past winter he verbally put me down. Telling me I was being a wuss on the mountain (picture harsher words). They all made fun of me - let me have it. Now for the past season and a half rather than encouragement I get put down. I get told I'm not trying hard enough and that I'm riding scared. And when I do accomplish some small hurdle, it's overshadowed by the ones I didn't conquer.

I explained my discouragement to Paul. I told him rather than put me down he should be proud of what I HAVE done in only 3 years. He admits that maybe they expect so much because the progression was fast. But the constant discouragement was really bringing me down and he tried to cool it. Jerry - well not so much.

But now I'm even bringing myself down. The negativity is infectious. I've even retreated into myself just to give myself a few internal punches to the ego. It must be me trying to push myself.

There are expectations and they went from being good ones to being bad ones. I was expected to get better every year and now I'm expected to ... well to ride soft. To hold back. Now I know I need to change that. I am the only girl out of our riding crew. I'm the only one that hangs... and sometimes it's only by a thread. I've had my whining moments and I've had my angry moments. This year I need to buck up and show them I can hang... like really hang. I may not hit the park, I might not stomp out jumps or do 180's, butters of tail presses but I will hang... if not with my skill with my attitude.

For the love of shred!

Colleen Quigley

Leanne Pelosi

Torah Bright

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Do you ever battle yourself... and then loved ones join the infantry...

I feel defeated... and I don't even know which side of this fight I'm on... because it's with myself.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


We all sacrifice... for our family, friends, lovers, even sometimes strangers. We sacrifice our wants, hopes and dreams. Sometimes we sacrifice time, money, and effort. When you are in a relationship, romantic or platonic, sacrifices are bound to be made... big and small. Maybe you really want to Mexican but he really wants Italian... one of you will have to sacrifice to make the other happy. Maybe next time you will get to choose. The problems really arise when sacrifices seem heavier on one end than the other.

I'm struggling with thoughts lately. I love Paul, but undoubtedly go through moments where I do not like him very much. This morning we spoke and I was thrilled that he was on the phone with me. I missed him a lot. I had had some strange dreams which were filled with my ex and Paul at the same time... I tossed and turned and was confused but the minute I woke up I was content - because I knew what was real and what was only sleepy thoughts.

It was this morning that he told me Andy was going to be here this weekend because he is going camping with his new girl. I don't know how serious they are, but he seems to really like her and from what I've seen, she is a nice girl. Maybe they can make it work... follow in our long distance footsteps... or plane flights. [tangent done] What annoyed me was that I didn't know this. We too are going camping this weekend and when I was asked to join the camping trips, I was under the impression that Andy wasn't going to be here. Therefore I chose not to - I mean that would have been weird, I hardly know the girl. I thought this was all suggested for Anthony's sake who was invited to both camping trips. Paul tells me he told me, but this isn't something I would have forgotten. I was told SHE was going camping not THEY. In any event, I suppose it doesn't matter. I think that the company I am going with is much older and acts much differently and I think we will undoubtedly enjoy are time together more so how it is set up than the way it would have been if we joined the groups. Though only a few years apart... I that that life circumstances leaves me acting a little different than some of our friends & family.

He then continued about how he wants to cancel coming home for his mother's birthday and see if he can come the weekend after instead to celebrate because there is a soccer tournament in California. I don't think I could have been anymore angry. I think soccer is a great hobby... for many years it was my passion, but I wouldn't put it before my family. His mother and I had dinner together last night and with tears she wouldn't allow to escape from her eyes she was telling me how sometimes it hurts her that Paul doesn't do the things for her he used to.

He used to come home and bring her and Daisy (step-mom) flowers. He used to receive cards from her and call her right away to thank her... she'd receive some acknowledgment. Those things have mostly stopped and she thinks it's because those efforts are now expended on me. I told her that she's right... Paul doesn't do those things anymore and not to worry because he doesn't do them to anyone. He no longer buys me flowers, he no longer calls me eager... he fits me into his schedule like an obligatory meeting. Yeah it hurts me, but I will sacrifice my hurt and hope that it will all be worth it. That through this experience he will be a more successful person, feel enriched, feel satisfied and ultimately it will improve our relationship... I hope. She smiled, but I don't know how much she believes me. I told her that he has saved every card she has ever given him. I know that consoled her a bit. But I'm sure him saying he'd much rather fly to California than celebrate her birthday on her birthday weekend with her will only hurt her... it even hurt me. It's a soccer tournament - like seriously?

But it also hurt me for other reasons... He said he was coming home... I've penciled it in. I looked forward to it. It's been a long time since Paul & Andy and I have all been in NY with his family with no other plans than to celebrate. And it would feel like old times... it would be nice to all be together. I was happy that we were celebrating Ana's birthday. She might not be my mother, but she will be and I think we are already strengthening that bond. I care about her and I love her dearly ... even when she tests my patience and even when she seems imposing... I just remind myself that it is her being a mother - or at least I try to. It also upsets me because financially things are tight... not just because he is no longer working and collecting debt like children collect snicker bars on Halloween, but also because I'm paying for our apartment solo... utilities and luxuries - solo. Everything is now on me with no one to share the burden. Is the apartment mine? No - it's ours, but I will keep it ours financially for the time being. This I was prepared to do. What I am not prepared for is our wedding.

We plan to get married sooner rather than later. This might be the wrong decision, but it seems to feel right... when we are NOT talking about it financially. Anyway - why would you want to spend money to go to California for a soccer tournament when we should be saving money for our wedding. I want to go to Breckenridge this winter so that we can select a venue in person instead of over the phone while looking at a picture but he disagrees with the costs... yet he will jump on the opportunity to jump on a 6 hour flight across the country for a soccer tournament? He seems to do research for that but not for us. I don't know what his priorities are but they definitely aren't the same as mine. I spend countless hours trying to do things for US and he spends countless hours doing things for him. I know there will be other business schools there, I know that he will meet people, possibly get business cards and phone numbers - a network if you will... on the west coast. But seriously - doesn't his program offer 100's of opportunities to network... why this expensive one and on his mother's birthday no less.

It makes me wonder about priorities... it makes me wonder where we stand... Me as his future wife and his family ... as well - his family. His friends... I wont even go there.

I don't know... these are the moments I have doubts. Not doubts that I love him, but doubts that we should marry... especially on January 2011... I don't think he's ready for that commitment... I mean it's quite possibly the biggest commitment you'll make in your entire life. Or maybe I'm not ready... I think I need more before I can commit to this. I still don't feel like I'm held high enough on the list to feel like I'm making the right decision.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Words... that mean everything

Paul and I have been talking weddings and marriage A LOT! Almost to the point that we don't want to talk about it at all and run away and just do it. But sometimes words mean a lot... and I don't even think he realizes it.

Last weekend... in the rain... kissing goodbye... sad tears escaping my wide open lids I asked if we were making the right decision to marry in January 2011. After all, he'd have to go back to Boston for another 5 months... of which I'd be sitting in NY waiting for his return. He looked at my face and said, I know that it will be hard to be apart, but I want to do this. I want to do it sooner than later. I don't want to wait too much longer.

I don't think he realizes how much it means to me... to hear him say that this is something he longs for. That he wants to be my husband. That he wants this next chapter of our lives to start as soon as possible. That he wants me... and he wants me for always.

This past Friday we had a late night conversation... I was going on about how I was nervous about planning a wedding. It is a lot of money, a lot of responsibility, and a lot of b.s. We were talking about everything from what we'd just seen on TV, to camping, to his weekend plans. At some point he stopped me and said, it never ceases to amaze me that we are together. We had the world against us and for some reason in the winter of 2005 so many stars decided to align to bring us back together. It's like a miracle really.

In 1998 when Paul and I met... 16 and 17 years old, we decided to date. But I'll admit, it wasn't exactly picture perfect. I was wild, adventurous and obnoxious. He was quiet, reserved, and naive. After two weeks are differences were obvious and I walked away easily... but not before hurting him. I can't imagine what I may have made him feel, but I'm sure it came along the lines of feeling not good enough. I regret that... but I don't regret walking away. If we stuck it out, this would never be a reality now.

After 7 years you'd think that all hope was lost for the quiet studious boy and the wild free spirited girl- but sometimes things are just meant to be. Andy (his younger brother) for no known reason decided to sign on to an ancient AIM account from H.S. ... most likely to eliminate that old account. At that very moment, I decided to check my buddy list - having been working late every day and needing a distraction. Through that brief conversation we set up a dinner date and hung out. Because of this, we re connected... Andy - not Paul. Only a few weeks later when I asked Andy how Paul was doing did he tell me to contact him in Georgia where he was getting his Masters. I was told to call him, but really, how WEIRD would that be. So I opted for AIM. I got his account and wrote him.

It wasn't long till he was rushing home to turn on his computer so we could write to each other for hours. We talked about how we were, what we were doing, what life had brought to our laps. He sounded jovial and fun. He had broken out of his shell... at least through this new means of communication. It wasn't till he picked up the phone to call me that I heard his voice again. It started then... weeks of talking late into the night, sacrificing much needed sleep to calm my fluttering heart. This is when shameless flirting ensued. And then only a few weeks later I was opening the door to his smiling face as he walked through the foyer and pulled me into his arms for one of the most satisfying hugs I've had in my life.

The rest is history... so yeah... I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him... and I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible.

I also know... this is nothing short of a miracle... fate... destiny... dumb luck... who knows... what I do know is that its special. And I won't stop appreciating that it is.

I love you, Paul... and you will forever be my miracle.

*** I know I'll be getting an email shortly telling me I'm a corny mush ball loser, but don't say you didn't smile when you read this.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Knot

Paul & I started a wedding website... it's not much but here it is

Fall Camping

Next weekend I will be going camping with some of my friends and family. It will be the 4th camping trip this year and I HOPE & PRAY it does not rain. We've set up a tent in drizzle all 3 times thus far.

I'm pretty excited, but also worried about how it will turn out. My cousin Christina is going for her 1st ever camping experience and Lauren & Bryan won't be there. I love it when they are there. What worries me aren't the people, but the weather. I hope everyone manages with the cooler temperatures.

It should be nice to be surrounded by the colorful leaves and good company. I'm sure we were have a constant fire going. YEY!