Thursday, February 26, 2009
Last week after buying my brother a super cute Hurley (Snowboard/skateboard brand) hoodie, I hugged him and gave him a hi-five telling him how COOL he looked. My mom looked at me and said I hope you don't have a son first. I hope you have a daughter... I'd hate to see your bond with Kyle diminished. I don't think it's possible. He is just too special to me. He was my nightmare who became my dream. Amanda too, I just cannot get enough of her... even with her new attitude and preference for friends over hanging with me. She is sweet beyond words and I feel fulfilled when I am with them... even when I spoil them.
In about 10 minutes I'm leaving work and then packing a bag. I am going to Boston with Paul for an MIT shinanagin. It should be alright. It's from Friday-Saturday afternoon. After which we are driving north to New Hampshire to ski a day at Loon on Sunday. This I am looking forward to.
Lets hope this all goes well all around. I maybe need this trip but part of me also feels worried that I will be bored, insecure and out of place amongst all these ivy league bostonites. I'm sure that is stupid but it is true non-the-less. Thankfully I'll have Paul to entertain me.
I will write about this adventure when I'm back... till then, caio!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Being sick sucks ass! No one likes being sick unless you are 15, didn't study for the statistics midterm and need to stay the fuck home! When you are 26, have a job and are fairly active, the last thing you want to be is sick... especially when it comes at your full force on a Friday! That means you are out of commission for a whole weekend... your treasured weekend that you worked so hard for. Fuck you, Acute viral rhinopharyngitis, AKA Cold Virus!
So Thursday I took off to take the kids to Hunter Mountain and that all went fine until 7:30 P.M. when I started to ache all over, cough, and just feel like shit. I took some meds and went to sleep hoping some rest would prove beneficial and drive to NYC for work the next day, but no dice. I woke up with a swollen throat, runny nose, and thinking my world was crashing... a top my bed head skull. So I called in sick. Yes I called my boss at 7:15 thinking anyone with a job would be awake and woke him and his new born up... woops! But now we know why he's usually late and disheveled. He lives in Westchester and is still in bed at 7:15! ANYWAY...
I only got worse as the day went on. I drove home around 1:30 and just laid on my couch snuggled in a blanket watching DVR'd shows I'd missed during the week. I had organized a dinner with about 8 friends that night and thought that I might have to cancel, but I pulled myself together and got dressed ... tissues in purse... and headed into NYC. I made it clear to Paul that I would like to have dinner and immediately GO HOME. My nose was running faster than Usain Bolt, my lips were as dry as the Sahara dessert, and my throat was more swollen than Ron Jeremy's penis while filming a porno. Forget it, I didn't even taste my food! Did I mention that I also couldn't hear out of my right ear. I was a mess! At the conclusion of dinner we paid the bill and stood outside saying our almost goodbye's when my lovely boyfriend announces, "Lets go to the bar and grab a drink". Clearly this wasn't part of my "I want to do dinner and go directly home" plan. I made sure to say so a few times, getting angrier with each passing moment only to get... "Lil, it's just 1 drink". So I lost that argument... sitting in the dead poet on 8th avenue, sipping on a New Castle I couldn't taste I watched sports center and looked at all my friends bored faces. Then Paul ordered drink 2... what was going on here! I was the one sick and I offered to go home alone so they could enjoy, but no ... he wanted me to tag along. This coming from the person who wants me to snowboard tomorrow... how will I get better by tomorrow if I'm out walking in the cold of windy New York City? How will I be able to get up at 5:50AM, snot free and unswollen ready to take on the slopes? Well .... read on:
At the ripe hour of 5:55, Paul woke me up asking how I was feeling to which I responded in my Nyquil induced grogginess, "there is no way I can go today." He stayed and stared at my 1/2 sleeping body for about a minute so I said, "are you still going to go?". This is where our funny relationship kicks in... I know he wants to go and I don't mind him going, but I know he feels bad that I can't go too so he says, "I don't know, should I?". I love that he asks me permission... I mean I appreciate it, but its not necessary. I am not an asshole keeping him home when I know it snowed buckets on Thursday and the conditions will be good. Not to mention my friends were going too and he'd have a lot of fun with them. I told him to go and he went... and I went back to sleep.
Around 4 he called me to tell me they were done, to which I yelled my anger b/c I had finally gotten to sleep and he and my friends have been calling non-stop. He said he just wanted to say he'd be leaving soon and I said goodbye and goodnight! 25 minutes later my phone is ringing again and that was that... no more sleeping for me. He asked me if I wanted dinner... I said yes. Soup would be nice right? He then went on to say that the guys wanted him to stay up for the night and what I thought! Well let me see, you just said you were going to pick me up some dinner and I'm home alone sick and YOU have my car!?!? What do you think!? This is when I hung up the phone.
It's bad enough I had to stay home and not ride on Saturday. I was lonely, bored, and sick. I felt left out and I was not happy. And now he wants to stay the night to get drink, sit in a hot tub and have a good time while I don't have anyone to accompany me, get me dinner, or even a car to do it myself? I don't know... was it selfish of me? I suppose I could have managed but I'd been home all day alone and he's been having a blast since 8AM. Is it too much to ask that he come home?
So now it's Sunday and I wake up feeling horrendous. Per Paul I thought I was going to die. Which I very well may have. I was so winded from the congestion and felt horrible. The skin on my nose was literally peeling away from tissue overuse.
I was laying on the couch watching the NCIS marathon (yes I love that show) with Paul when he asked if he could play video games. I said later... to which he waited all of 30 minutes and started playing. We only have 1 TV so after watching him play for a few rounds I took a turn which was clearly too much finger and mental exertion for me b/c I then retreated to my bedroom to lay down feeling horrible. Paul then asks (while on the phone with our friend Anthony) if he can have Anthony over to play video games and have pizza. I said it was fine but really ... you tell me, when you are sick, do you want anyone around you (and how do you say no when they are listening to you from the other end of a phone line? You'd think he'd hang up THEN ask me)? Especially someone of the opposite sex? Especially if they are taking over your only TV, having beer, and being loud? Watching TV and laying on my fat sick ass is just about the only entertainment I had this weekend and now it was being taken away from me. I would have hopped that then he'd return TV privileges to me until his buddy got there but no... not just did he play video games BEFORE he got there, DURING the time he was there, but also AFTER HE LEFT... I was bored silly. Oh but lets not forget that I was pissed the fuck off! (to know why, read below)
I had expressed that I wanted soup earlier that day. Paul called his friend and asked if he would want to split a white pie from the pizzaria. Then I heard Paul placing an order ... no SOUP! So I called him into the bedroom and told him I thought it was pretty ridiculous that he'd call his friend to confirm his dinner order and not mine. To which he responded... you said you want soup, I can just get that when we pick up. Did he ask what soup I'd want? NO. Did he ask me if maybe I'd want pizza? No. I was just fuming at this point so I told him forget it I'd just lay down and figure it out later... to which he responded "Good you can eat what we get and like it!" This is when Paul gets the most mature... he sometimes gets frustrated and stoops to amazingly immature levels of language. He won't curse or make a scene but he will be the biggest ass... EVER. At this I wanted to smack him but instead closed the door, read my book and took a nap.
A few hours later I found myself awake and a bit hungry and went into the kitchen to make myself a grilled cheese (I don't really like white pizza). Paul went into the kitchen to grab a beer and asked me something to which I responded with silence. He then told me I was acting like my Mother and that I was being stupid. Still I said nothing. I was in no mood. I knew that I was just waiting to erupt and that we had a guest over. I knew I was still sick and I knew I needed my space. So I just stayed in my room and relaxed. I read my book and took naps and that was that.
Now some of you may think it was me who was selfish... wanting Paul to end his night early because I felt sick on Friday, come home after snowboarding on Saturday, and not having a friend over on Sunday but I'll also say this... when you are sick wouldn't you want the same... especially in your own house... wouldn't you want the right to just be alone?
Also, I gave the option of going home myself on Friday night. I'm 26 and am more than comfortable with the E and F trains. It wasn't 3AM for goodness sakes. On Saturday, I didn't give him a guilt trip or beg him to stay home and forgo a day of snowboarding with friends. And on Sunday, I didn't make a scene or whine about him having a friend over.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
11th, I am thankful for my friends, though few, they are my confidants, my accomplices, and my mentors in life. Through their eyes, I see our futures and our pasts. I feel their presence within me when they are gone. I live and breathe in order to make them proud. They are my 2nd family. They inspire me. They define me. They reflect me. I could not survive without them. They are all different… but together we bring balance to our lives.
12th, I’m thankful for my self. Because of the people listed above, I’ve been able to live independently. I’ve been able to stay strong after many falls. I’ve been able to move past my irrationality and see what is truly important. I’m grateful to God for giving me strength of character and physicality. For providing me with the emotional stability needed to improve my life. For the mental capacity necessary to learn and achieve one’s goals. And for motivating me to move forward when all I could see was down. Mypassions are few but strong and at once there were all nothing… I regained that passion and continued to improve my life. I hope I continue to do so. I hope I continue to experience new and exciting things, to live life fully, and to work hard towards the goals I’ve set myself out to achieve.
13th, this was the candle I had given Megan at my Sweet 16, which makes me realize, I’m grateful for my enemies or better yet, those who are no longer my friends. Without them, I would never truly recognize my friends. My enemies have helped me grow… grow thicker skin and grow a sense of self preservation. They’ve allowed me to realize that there is in fact good in bad in the world to all degrees. They’ve helped me be able to define myself apart from the qualities which I would not want to be preserved. They’ve tested my resilience. I truly believe in many of these situations I’ve come out on top. I don’t wish them ill (well most of them) because the way they live their lives is poor enough. They haven’t enriched their lives (non-materially) and therefore have not grown. I do not believe people can easily change their character but they can change and I hope they do. I hope that they find themselves and that person is someone they can live with.
14th, I’m blessed to have a job… any job, but better yet one with stability. We’ve seen the economy hit some astronomical lows and some ridicules highs in our lifetime. We had the dotcom boom followed by its crash… 9-11… and the hypocrisy of Enron, Tyco, Worldcom,
15th, my plants. I know that sounds completely stupid but seriously, they’ve created a routine in my life that I’ve never really had before. I don’t think having a pet is fair since I am out of the house a lot and live in a 1 bedroom apartment, but I do admit to having about 20 plants and I take care of each and every one of them… though 2 are looking kinda dead right about now. These plants have been therapeutic for me. I’m proud when they grow and look healthy and I worry when they look sick. I do research to see what might be wrong and I try and take care of them. I think it helps me relax and it makes my living environment pleasant.
16th, my home. It’s not mine per say since I’m only a renter, but we’ve really made it our own. Having not lived under may parents roof since I left for college I always treasured my space until my post John Paul life living in my 3 BR in Bellerose. I lost all control of my lifestyle and lived in a mess. My apartment was trashed with junk everywhere and I could not keep up with my self destructive lifestyle. So much for being on the cover of Good Housekeeping. I was always so neat, to the point of OCD and then it was gone. Meeting
17th, food. I’ve never had trouble with money. I know there are people out there who must clip coupons, eat pasta every night, or plain junk. I’ve never been in this situation. Having had a job most of my life and being a diligent saver, I’ve always been able to satisfy my cravings whether that mean a nice steak dinner, a night in, a 5 course meal, or a drive down to MD for some crab, I’ve been able to do it. And I’m lucky because eating what you want when you want it is a luxury.
18th, freedom. I am truly a free spirit tied down by nothing but my own mind. I have the usual responsibilities such as my career, bills, loved ones, and well that’s about it. I’m able to leave my home when I chose, eat when I desire, travel when I feel it’s time. I’m able to wear what I like, be with whom I please. More or less, I’m free and many in this world are confined by both tangible and intangible boundaries which others or they have placed around them.
19th, I draw a blank but this list does go on… maybe I’ll add to it as I think of things.
Maybe 19 should be my ability to read and write (again, some cannot) because I believe writing is the easiest form of expression…. But I’ll save that for another day.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I have a full life and am blessed and though some things in my life cause anxiety, anger, confusion, loneliness, and upset; can’t we all relate to those common feelings in life?
1st, I have my life and I arguably control it independently
2nd, I have my grandmother. She is like the stock in a good soup, without it things would be dried out and flavorless. Nothing would come together. She is an amazing person… she’s gone through a lot and is resilient. She enjoys everyone’s company and tolerates a lot. She forgives everyone no matter how horrendous the offense and she does it before hearing the apology. She loves unconditionally and her actions speak louder than words. I didn’t hear the words I love you often as a child, but I knew that I was loved. I had a life better than most because instead of having 1 mother, I had 2 and for some time, even 3.
3rd, I have
4th, I have
5th, I have
7th, though I should have mentioned earlier, I have my Grandpa. Though deceased, he has created for me a life most children could never imagine. He taught me wonder and helped foster my imagination, while keeping me grounded in reality. He allowed me to be a child yet helped me become an adult. He loved me unconditionally. He disciplined me. He helped me prioritize, he taught me about respect, the importance of education, and love. He helped me understand, tolerate, accept, and LOVE my family. Through him I’ve learned much there is to learn about sacrifice and tolerance… possibly my biggest short coming.
8th, but definitely more than a single person, I have the remainder of my family. At times bonded together like cement and at others separated like grains of sand, we are still a family. When needed, we flocked together like geese never allowing 1 to fall and always helping each other fly. They are all different and they all have their good and bad. They’ve been both good examples and bad… and because of this I can see now what qualities I want to embody and those I want to leave behind. Through them, I’ve been held up when I was down and brought back down when I was soaring unreasonably high.
10th, I’m thankful my
He tolerates me. He even tolerates my intolerability. He is there for me as much as he can be. He tries to understand me. He is kind, gentle, passionate, and he loves me. I’ve never met someone so self-righteous and so self –effacing at the same time. He is an enigma to me and every day I learn something new about him allowing me to fall in love with him all over again. I cherish our time together; for right now it is daily but will soon be only on the weekends moving back into our all too familiar world of long distance. We have a dynamic allowing for such a horrendous way to live (
Monday, February 9, 2009
This trip was planned well - I worked really hard to ensure that we had everything handled once we got there. The flight was smooth (minus excessive turbulence over the rocky's to be expected), the car rental worked out well, the hotel check in was a breeze, and the rental return worked out great. No one lost luggage, no one lost gear, no one had to rent, and no one held us back. The mountain was ours for the taking... except the snow was minimal.
We got a little snow the 1st day and rode a lot. I did some hard shit. Everyone was surprised I was more or less getting through it all. The run is over 4 miles and includes 5,020 feet of verticle ... it started with a bowl, dumping into a narrow trail, ending with endless moguls. My legs were tired and my board would not cooperate... I was tired and my form sucked. I had to stop, I had to take a break, I had to let my feet rest, I had to bitch ... I was PMSing and I thought I couldn't do it. But I did it... and it was probably one of the easier runs I had done that day. It is not the run you want to end your day with ... no one wants miles of moguls under their feet after going balls out for a day.
Soon after I soothed my aching muscles in the hot tub... took a bit of a nap and skipped dinner... woke up a bit later for some left overs and went back to bed. I was done for the day.
I woke up the next day to powder... and it was still coming down. I was excited and I couldn't wait. I asked to do a warm up but the guys wouldn't have it - they wanted to get there boards deep into that pow and ride it out... I stayed with for a bit and decided to head out and do my own thing. It was about time I did something my speed instead of constantly over my head. It's one thing to do it... and another to wear yourself out on day 2 of 6. After much arguing I convinced everyone I'd be fine... I had a trail map, had my ipod, and was ready to venture into the unknown. It was short lived... I caught up at the lift and headed up with them into the bowls. They did a lot of trees and out of bounds shit while I stayed mostly on the trail only venturing off where nice powder was rock and boulder free. I had a great time despite being alone.
Soon later my legs ached and my back was sore... as was everyone else's and we headed back... Paul did a few more runs on his own. We got the chili started and headed for the hot tub where I decided was too hot and went back upstairs. I explored and I waited for Paul to head in. Once he did, we drank, hot tubbed, drank, and drank, oh and ate. It was going well... but Paul's friend started to irk me. Not that he did anything so ridiculous - he just had douche tendencies. He would say things that were corny, try too hard to be "cool", comment on our stupidity as if he was above it then try and join in feeling left out, he'd feel free to criticize and show his arrogance, and he was a pain in the ass. He only eats organic peanut butter and he doesn't eat eggs. Not to mention anything that was texturally creamy. I'd usually not expect this crap from a 31 year old but everyone accommodated.
By day three I was cranky and needed alone time... my period sprung into full action and the cramps kept me up the entire night before. I announced immediately that today I'm riding alone. Everyone gave me a hard time in the beginning saying I can keep up but I insisted I wanted to be alone. At which point Paul's friend asked me maybe 2-3 times why I wanted to ride alone. Was it because the terrain was too hard? - yes a bit. Was it because they went a bit too fast? - yes party. But this was no answer for him... so eventually I shot out "BECAUSE I WANT TO RIDE ALONE". This finally got an "okay" and that convo was done - until Paul insisted that I go with them to this horrid place that required me to traverse for say I don't know eternity! My calves were hurting and I hated him for it... actually this was day 2... but lets just call it three for story telling sake because all these days felt like 1 long mess.
Miserable at this point and cramping up a storm ... oh and hating everyone I went back to the room. We later went out and had drinks but it was boring and uneventful.
Basically all the days kind of resembled one of the days described... there was snowboarding, eating and drinking.
Jerry farted every three minutes and it smelled something horrendous.
I basically rode by myself the remainder of the week except Thursday where everyone was really spent and pretty much rode groomers with me - that and there was not too much snow.
One of the nights we were playing kings ... a bad game of Kings... there are rules and unwritten rules to kings... I hate people who spoil the game. I hate when people make the very reason to play the game moot. But like all drinking games, it effectively got us drunk... and soon after I was wearing my bathingsuit over my sweats and t-shirt trying to fly off a couch. Then the trend of looking like a fool caught on and Jerry put on his super hero outfit. Then we all found ourselves walking to the local bar... where we were asked if we were high on shrooms. I almost wished I was but no no, I was drunk enough. We then proceeded to bother people, drink excessively, act like assholes, play fooseball (sp?), play pool, punch a punching bag, and drink more. I did beat the boys in the punching bag thing which was kind of cool.
The next day was much of the same except we "partied" in the village which was boring and then we headed back.
Thursday we again went to the game room to play some thumper and some pool... it was okay. Thumper is a bit too easy with 4 people - especially when they aren't too drunk. Douche tried to be a douche again by picking dumb hand signs like thumping the table... again douche. This soon got too boring to bear so we headed back to dusty's where we met with our shroom asking bar tenders... played the punching game with them... drank some guiness and some jaeger. The next morning was rough but we rode anyway - after all it was our last day.
We Tbar'd and hiked it up to blackcomb glacier and rode it out. I did a few easy tree runs with Jerry who saved my sanity this trip and we headed in and started our drink fest at Dusty's. We went there just to two of us, drank some beer, ate some BBQ, scoped out chicks, went in the hot tub, and relaxed.
Jerry was my savior for numerous reasons on this trip... His stupidity is charming in its on stupid way. When I'm in a bad mood, he does something stupid to make me laugh or he calls me out on it without being mad at me and it snaps me out of my PMSing. Paul will just be pissed at me which makes me more mad and Joe... well...
He did his own thing but when we ride together he challenges me and stays with me... he doesn't leave me to the dogs on tree trails, he doesn't lie to me, and he is realistic of me. When I back down, he encourages me and it pushes me to do more. Her criticizes me and helps me improve without making me feel like I suck. Paul only does this for 2 minutes till he loses patience or gets annoyed with my slower speed and ditches me leaving me on some hard trail to get down alone. We actually joked about this a lot on the trail... I at one point was so tired of playing catch-up I said I'd take the last run at my own pace and meet at the condo... I had calf bite and needed a brake... Paul stayed with me and I said no b/c he's too pushy ... he responded "Okay okay, I won't push you but hurry up already" to this we both started laughing.
And he with me though Joe was a douche. Nothing horrible... not ruin your trip worthy, just someone you wouldn't want to do it all with again, unless you were in maybe a big enough group where his opinions didn't quite matter. Maybe he and I filled up on a good amount of haterade instead of our usual morning coffee every morning like Paul suggested, but this is who we are. We like some people and we don't like a lot of other people. We aren't tolerating people, we aren't patient and we aren't understanding. For the most part I don't find anything wrong with this. If I like you, I'll give you my time, patience and love... if I don't ... why waste my time and why be fake about it.
Though Paul and I didn't spend much time together... seeing how good he is at riding is always a turn on ;). I'm happy he had a good time and I'm happy he got a lot of runs in.
If I could do it again, I'd hope more people could come so we could have the dynamic of the Colorado trip. No need to go out to bars, no need to try and have a good time, no need to meet other people... we entertained ourselves... we were the party. We didn't need anything besides a good beer and each other. That didn't happen this trip... there were too few people, no girls aside from me, and too much conflict of personality. Though we didn't wait for anyone to get their make up on, it wouldn't have mattered in a ski in/out.
Did I mention there were no other intermediate skiers? Last year, though Andy went a lot faster on the groomers, he had just as hard of a time on the terrain as I did. We would go and fall our way down together and it was fun... because I knew I wasn't alone straggling behind. When I was with Caroline, she was a bit slow, more of a beginner, but nothing scared her and we encouraged each other to do things we wouldn't have done alone... till by the end of the trip we were both doing hard blues and powder covered blacks together - it was fun.
It's hard to plan these trips and really make them happen. People don't love snowboarding like I do. They don't plan 1 week long vacations surrounded by snow while strapped to a plank of wood. And they think its horribly asinine to book a trip to go somewhere cold in the middle of winter. People who like to do weekends in VT sometimes wouldn't dream of spending $1500+ on a week out west. It's a lot to ask... time, money, and interest.
Last year, Andy +3 only stayed for 3 days. Paul and I spent 1 day alone traveling south and met up with my friend Steve who stayed another 3 days. We roughed 7 days + 6 days riding... we were the only troopers. Now I know Jerry would do it again... even Steve once his back is healed. Maybe we can make it happen again. Its an open trip and all are always welcome no matter what your abilities and interests are... there is snowmobiling, ice climbing, cat riding, heli tours, xcountry, snow tubing, etc etc etc... hopefully we get something fun together for next year.
I'm thinking Wyoming... I'll make it happen.