Monday, November 22, 2010

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up"

Psalm 27:

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.
5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.
9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.
12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Are you Joking?

My family is messed up on 1000 different levels. I dislike many of them for many deep seeded reasons. Many of which have to do with selfishness and just plain old not being a good person.

Last week, I was in an ambulance, accompanying my grandmother to the emergency room. She's not doing great and the doctors are at a loss of what to do. Her heart is weak and her kidneys are failing... and by fixing one, they will be killing the other. So they are trying to find a balance... and while they do, her life hangs in it.

In the meantime, my grandmother's children are selfish individuals. It took my grandmother's health to fail so bad that she's laying in a bed in ICU to come to see her. After months...years of fighting with her for nothing but being jealous of her relationship with her cousins. She loves them... and they love her. And these cousins have been there for her... when no one else has. When her own children turned their back on her... she had them, to take her to the dr., to make her dinner, to bring her to church, to keep her company... she had them.

And yet... now, I am playing corral with my family... making sure they don't run into each other. Making sure they don't fight. Until today. When I mentioned that one of these cousins is with my Grandma and my mother went full retard. Now she's threatening everyone. She is no longer my mother - I've been disowned (again). She's no longer attending my wedding. She isn't coming to queens. She hates us all and will use force if necessary to get my Grandma and her Cousins separated. Many of us though... will never let that happen.

The more I write about it, the more my anxiety ceases to exist and instead I realize more and more what is important in this life. That I cherish the family I do have... the non-toxic. The truly loving... and this circumstance has really showed me who CARE about me. Not because of any sort of relation but because there is real love running between us. With my mother, there is none. She cares of no one but herself. She doesn't care about my grandmother's health, what is best for her, what is best for her 2 small children or her 2 oldest and she sure as shit doesn't care about her brother's, their families, or her friends... that's just a show... to manipulate them into helping her when she needs it... and that, she fully admits. It's disgusting. But what's really sad is that when it's her turn to lay in ICU with her heart and kidney's failing... she may have no visitors at all.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Good vs Bad

Lately, my emotions have been taking a roller coaster of a life time. My mind races with so many thoughts... many times at once. And I think at this moment... I need to list them... good vs bad. Just to remember there is always good. So here goes it.

  • I'm getting married - in 52 days
  • Paul has only a few more months till Graduation
  • We are moving - where we don't know
  • Snowboard season is fast approaching (not fast enough)
  • My Future M-I-L and I have gotten closer lately
  • I worked out... and am trying to keep it up
  • I got a new snowboard
  • I have more than I need

  • My Mom & Grandma still don't talk
  • My Grandma is sick and still not likely making my wedding
  • My Uncle is sick
  • My Mom is having some trouble
  • I'm fat and need to get in shape
  • I'm an emotional nightmare

That's all I can think of at the moment... it's not a terrible list I suppose. It's just that some of those BAD things are REALLY BAD to me right now.

I keep thinking that once I get married all the bad will go away, but that's not true. It is, however, a comfort to know that I'm marrying the one man that always makes sure where we are concerned... the good will always and forever heavily outweigh the bad. Even after 6 years of good, bad, ugly and indifferent, we can still look at each other and smile knowing that we'll have eachother's back, front, side, ... basically wherever we need it and however we need it... we'll bet here.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


Sucks! I don't just mean wedding planning... I mean all planning. I generally plan all camping trips, snowboard trips, wedding trips and weekend excursions. I plan these things because so far no one else has stepped up to the plate. I also plan these things because I LOVE doing them... but that doesn't mean I like planning them.

I've said it time and time again... I hate planning for people who don't make it easy for you. Solid decisions need to be made or everyone is waiting on 1 person. And sometimes that person costs you a bit more money because of it.

I also hate when you ask someone for help and they say they will do it ... and then leave you hanging. Especially when what you need help with is for THEIR family.

I'm tired of planning... I want to just be invited next time. I know I like things how I like them and therefore plan ... even micromanage. But really... I want to just show up... and enjoy.

Last year I was hoping something like that would happen... I wanted to go on solo trips with friends... I wanted to experience that carefreeness. Instead Paul and Andy came... and that's fine. But it increased the stress and pressure of the trips. I had to be concerned about getting them beds... tickets... ensuring they got there okay... managing time. If I was just me... I would just sit in the back seat... throw a friend some gas money... and care about nothing else than that I have paid my share of the gas, beer and food. And we'd be riding our way into smiles.

I'm just tried and snippy I suppose.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Over and Over Again

Wasting my time reading things that don't matter, talking to people who don't matter, surfing websites that don't matter instead of using my time usefully.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

BVI? No Thanks!

I think I give a lot. I think I sacrifice for the better of my relationship. I know that Paul does too, but are the sacrifices equal? Do they have to be?

I am reading this book – the whole men are from Mars and women are from Venus book. Anyway… in the book it says that giving doesn’t need to be equal and you shouldn’t expect it to be, but you should never give too much where you feel resentment after. I think that’s beginning to happen to me.

When Paul and I begin this Boston to NY thing… I knew I’d be jealous of his countless new friendships and experiences that school brings. I knew that I’d be jealous of his trips and his fun. I knew I’d feel left out from his life he’d be living without me. And really… all these things happened. I think for the most part though, I was able to bite my tongue and move on with my head held high and hand firmly grasping his as a sign of solidarity.

Last year he chose to go to Thailand for about 2 weeks with school during Christmas break. It was also the 1 week I had off of work. It really hurt me that he chose to go. The hardest part was finding out from his mother rather than hear it from him. I struggled during that time to not be angry with him for going. I struggled to not be sad and upset. I finally was able to move on and get over it. He tried to go to Korea but it fell through. I tried to be supportive. Then … a few months ago he mentioned a BVI trip after graduation. It’s a Sloan MIT graduating class tradition. I told him that my answer was no… he nor I should go. We’d be newlyweds who hadn’t even lived together yet. We’d be newlyweds who hadn’t even honeymooned. We’d still have lots of catching up to do. We’d be broke and we’d be starting our lives a new. The last thing I want to do is go away, no matter how glorious the trip, with people who I hardly know (though whom are his friends) and celebrate with them. I want to celebrate us… together… alone! He also wanted to go to Argentina.

The Copa America is in Argentina this year - something that does not happen every year. He and Andy really want to go. I wasn’t immediately on board. I had wanted to honeymoon this summer… but the timing for Argentina seemed perfect. Why not! So I said okay we shall go so long as we can plan it out ahead of time and that we can afford it… post wedding expenses and all.

Today Paul brought up a Utah trip he asked me to think about. I thought that it was a good compromise to go. It was a chance to get to know his school friends a little bit better and to do something we both love… snowboard. It’s right after the wedding and that’s a little rough. It’s also the last weekend he’ll be home before he has to move back to Boston to finish up his last semester… but I thought … with no other trips under my belt… and so few left in his with these people why not!

Then he slammed me into a wall declaring that not just does he WANT to go to the BVI trip… he’d rather go to that than the Argentina trip and the Utah trip combined. My heart sank. What part of compromise did he miss? Do I not sit at home waiting for him to graduate every day? Do I not trust him like many people can’t? Do I not give him everything I can just short of losing myself? Do I not try so very hard to make him happy? Why then can he not just give me this? Why is it so hard? I know this trip is huge. I know this trip is highly discounted? I know we likely won’t be able to do something like this especially at this cost. I also know that if I give too much and lose myself… I won’t be able to give anymore. If I can no longer give, there is nothing left to gain. And if there is nothing left to gain… this relationship will end before it’s had a chance to really grow.

Why do couples do long distance? Why do they bother getting more degrees? Why does school have so many trips (non educational at that)? Why are students so selfish most of the time? Why do I bother?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


For some, Halloween is a time to get your hootchie on and shake that booty at the dance club, for others it's a time to let your creative juices flow and create a costume that will bring back old memories, bring awe struck looks, or endless laughs, and then for others it's just a time to be your goofy self.

I used to fall into the 2nd category, but lately I'm falling into the 3rd. Timing and death can do that to you. This year I spent the time with Paul's Mom & my family easting food and chatting... then dressing up in our funny/pretty garb and trick or treating. It was fun... and I'm glad I had yet another memory with my family.

We had Teddy Friend, Taco, Alice in Wonderland, Cleopatra, Marc Anthony & of course a Hot Dog

We hung out with Paul's Mom & her friend

My Mom was a demented Doctor... out to get us all.

We even had our very own Devil Dog

A cute photo of the married couple... and a random hot dog walking down the block

My sister's striking a pose

Your high calorie food items for the day... with hot sauce!

Yes kyle is making a duck face... why... I don't know