Wednesday, October 29, 2008

English Muffins and Solitude

I like my english muffins toasted well, but it came warm and soggy. I like my coffee scalding hot, but it came just hot. I like my work to be challenging, but lately it’s been boring and mundane.

I’ve been realizing how bored I’m becoming lately. I’m bored socially & professionally. My work is great, when it exists. For just less than two weeks, I’ve used my dual computer monitors to scour the internet for shoes, handbags, coats, and accessories. I suppose I shouldn’t complain, but how much can one possibly look at before it all looks the same, or they are just flat broke. My superior is someone you could easily refer to as an underachiever. He finds doing the minimum amount possible in his every day tasks is appropriate given that he wastes time on projects that give to real value all the while neglecting his staff. I’m convinced that I’d be a better candidate for his position, and I haven’t even been here a year. I don’t say this because of arrogance, but because the work isn’t that hard. I do my own and his often enough to know that I can handle it. I also know that I am smart enough to do so. He on the other hand, I am convinced, is a bit slow.

It’s been leaving me to think of my options. I can after all stay here and slack off as he does. But that’s just not my style. I like the challenge of learning something new. I like to figure out new things. I like to take on complicated projects. I haven’t been given the opportunity again since the report writing phase of oracle back in the summer (also his job which I did… better and faster). I could move within the company. HBO is a great employer after all, but where? My current group is most probably my most perfect fit. Then again, how will I know if I don’t try? I can spiffy up my resume and go back out on the hunt for work. I know I can find better in the sense of challenge and more money, but would I still have the flexibility I have here? It’s definitely something to think over.

Socially, I know something is wrong. I can’t say what exactly, I just know something is different than it had been. And I can probably say it’s been going on for a while. I have little to no desire to do anything lately. I have noticed that I watch more TV than I had before (which was close to none) and that I crave to just be home alone. Being home doesn’t even cut it, I must be home alone. I miss my friends and family, but recently I miss my alone time even more. I cannot tell you why that is. Worse yet, most people assume or think I need company.

I’ve been told to get out and have some fun. I’ve been told to do something for me. Then they invite me to dinner, or to get drinks, or worse yet, they invite themselves to my home. One thing no one seems to comprehend is that maybe what I need the most is time away from everything and everyone else. People might think having not seen them in a while, I’d miss their company, and maybe part of me does, but I think I miss my own company more. I just wish people would understand and not push me in so many directions.

Every day I do the same things: I go to work, I go to M. Yolly’s house, then I go home, and the next day I wake up and do it again. Once a week I try and do something else. Something more social, but I can’t say I feel fulfilled after. What I really need is time for me and me alone. Maybe I will have some of that soon… or maybe not with Halloween, Amanda’s football games, my Grandma being home alone, then weddings, sweet 16s and all of a sudden the Holidays begin.

A weekend of nothing would be nice…

"A man who goes alone can start today, but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready" - Henry David Thoreau

"The right to be let alone is indeed the begining of all freedom" - William Orville Douglas

"We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly... spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order" - Susan Taylor

"Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer" - Elbert Hubbard

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