It’s funny how some people touch your lives, and how lost you feel without them. My friend has been undergoing some very serious health and emotional stress in the recent months and I only found out today. Curious to his where abouts, I inquired with quite a few mutual friends over the last few months, and have not gotten a clear response. I did know he had been planning to lay low and relax a bit and I assumed that was that.
Now finding out that he is in pain and going through a bad time, I can’t help but feel I abandoned him by waiting so long to check up on him. But he had said that me reaching out to him was a good thing, and that it made him feel good… It’s amazing, here I am feeling guilty that I haven’t been there for him, and here he is, being grateful for my friendship.
I found myself unable to think of much else besides him this morning. I found myself more concerned for his wellbeing than the wellbeing of my father, currently at the hospital after suffering from 2 more strokes. I realized how much I’ve missed him.
I used to think of him as my local boyfriend… without the perks. I talked to him about everything, enjoyed his company, hooked my arm on his as we walked the streets looking for the next bar to enter, I even used to bitch and moan about my personal complaints about life. He was the perfect Paul replacement when Paul wasn’t here, though that wasn’t really fair to him. He got none of the boyfriend perks, no make out sessions, no sex, none of that. But all in all, he didn’t seem to mind and remained my friend non-the-less. I couldn’t have asked for much more. I was in love with my pretend boyfriend and couldn’t ask for anything else! Well maybe except for Paul coming back home, but even then, Paul being void of any emotion is not a complete package. Who is? My friend-“with-no-benefits” made me complete.
Now I find myself drifting off and thinking about all our times spent together anxious for our next encounter. I wish there was a way to explain to him how I feel about him… it really is like having a crush on a boy but this is platonic… it’s different yet very the same. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea of course. I guess I just miss him a lot… I crave our squishy hugs and our silly laughs… I even miss his insults that always kept me in check. Our relationship was definitely filled with insults and sarcasm… I believe that is a common denominator amongst my closest pals.
So I tribute this all to him… An entire blog dedicated to someone who will remain nameless but who is cherished as one of my greatest friends and on of the better people I’ve come to meet in my 26 years. I love you!