Today I was reading a blog I follow: The World More Beautiful
She had listed a 10 ten song countdown of songs that really moved her family... 2 of which really touched me... I think they'll be favorites for a long time to come. Her # 1 & 3 were particularly touching. Here they are copied directly from her post:
Number 3: Bright Eyes "This Is The First Day Of My Life"
Number 1: Blind Pilot "Three Rounds and a Sound"
So I sent these two songs with their respective lyrics to Paul. I do that often. When a song really touches me, I send it to him, hoping it would touch him too... his response was:
"wow, i actually really liked that song....and sometimes you send me some not so good stuff! hahahahah"
And attached is this song: Love you Madly by Cake
I couldn't help but laugh. I love that song... I didn't even know he knew the song!
Of course, needing to defend my past song choices I told him I only sent him gems!
And he basically ended this exchange with:
Have you ever met someone more obsessed with my backside?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
How it happens
Blogging starts off as one thing... you begin writing about your personal life, recipes, crafting, designing; whatever it is that was on your mind that inspired you to write. Then it turns into a mixture of things that have gone on throughout your life since that day.
Well there is one thing... or maybe a few, I've been avoiding writing about lately. My Mother.
Why?
So today, I guess I chose to write... a little bit. Just to get it off my chest.
My mom is going through yet another divorce. It's bad. She's having severe financial difficulties, and she lies... she lies lies lies lies! I don't know at this point if she withholds truths or flat out lies to manipulate us. But don't let her know it. She will deny deny deny and then make you out to be the villain in her sad sob story of a life.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother. I love her too much. She doesn't deserve the amount of love I'm able to give her. My heart should have been permanently closed to her years ago... years after she beat me, called me names, told me I was the reason she hated her life, left me behind, and ultimately damaged my soul. But no, I love her... and I continue to love her despite the years of emotional abuse. Why... because I will NOT be her victim or any other persons.
My mother, she is damaged. But is her damage an excuse for her behavior. I think not. If we all took that rode, this would be a very chaotic world. I chose not to discuss what I feel were wrong doings done to me by my family because then I feel like a cry baby. I can acknowledge what happened. I can learn from them, I can heal, but I don't need to advertise to the world. I don't need people to look at me and think... oh that girl... this happened to her. But right now, without getting into specifics I think I have to vent... just a little bit. Just about the recent garbage that has been thrown on my lap, and weighed heavy on my mind and body.
My grandpa... he hasn't been gone 2 years but, oh the changes that have occurred! While my grandpa lay dying, my mother wouldn't talk to me. She was jealous. She was angry. She hated that my grandma acted more a mother to me than her. But whose fault is that... she left me as a child to be cared for by my grandparents. When my grandpa died, my father died... just like her! But what did she do... be there for her daughter, absolutely not. Instead she flat out abandoned her. And on his deathbed when he asked her to be happy, to take us in, to love us, she said no. Her last conversation with him was her saying... I've done all I can for those girls, they don't need me anymore and I don't need them. Yep, that is my mother. You'd think she was the effing main character in some BS lifetime movie the way she carries on.
Then soon after he passed away things got close - all was well... until she decided she was going to no longer speak with my Grandma. Why? Because she doesn't like my grandma's family... any of them. So long as you come from a womb that belonged to a woman on that side of the family, you were dead to her... and so was anyone who liked them or loved them. Why... because she was jealous. How dare they take attention that should be hers. How pathetic! How needy! How selfish.
So as my grandma sit in her big old house, alone, quiet, she wept, because not even her children could be civil. She not just lost her husband, she was losing her family. But my grandma, she's strong, she is loved by us, her grand kids, and by her cousins my mother hates so much. So she will be okay.
Then she again stopped talking to her oldest girls. We were again dead to her. And for no reason this time but she's stressed, she's angry and she resents us. She wants us to pay for everything, to take care of her, to sacrifice all we have worked for.
She has no money, yet she shops constantly, buys things for the home, pays someone to clean her house, pays someone to do her lawn, etc... please grow up and learn responsibility.
She claims she has no friends, but she has no one in her life she hasn't turned her back on. How did she expect to keep them around.
There has never been another being on this earth that I hated more... but still couldn't stop loving. I thought it was because of the kids... oh those kids, I love them more than life itself. But it's not the kids. I love her because she's my mother. Because there have been (maybe few) good times. Because I know she's broken. But, still... I hate her. I hate her for contaminating my life with negativity that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I hate her for making me feel insecure, inferior, and insignificant. I hate her for making me question myself. But most of all, I hate her for not allowing me to hate her enough not to love her.
Well there is one thing... or maybe a few, I've been avoiding writing about lately. My Mother.
Why?
- because it's private
- because I'm ashamed
- because it makes me sad
- because I feel lost
- because I'm considering therapy again to learn how to deal with it
So today, I guess I chose to write... a little bit. Just to get it off my chest.
My mom is going through yet another divorce. It's bad. She's having severe financial difficulties, and she lies... she lies lies lies lies! I don't know at this point if she withholds truths or flat out lies to manipulate us. But don't let her know it. She will deny deny deny and then make you out to be the villain in her sad sob story of a life.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mother. I love her too much. She doesn't deserve the amount of love I'm able to give her. My heart should have been permanently closed to her years ago... years after she beat me, called me names, told me I was the reason she hated her life, left me behind, and ultimately damaged my soul. But no, I love her... and I continue to love her despite the years of emotional abuse. Why... because I will NOT be her victim or any other persons.
My mother, she is damaged. But is her damage an excuse for her behavior. I think not. If we all took that rode, this would be a very chaotic world. I chose not to discuss what I feel were wrong doings done to me by my family because then I feel like a cry baby. I can acknowledge what happened. I can learn from them, I can heal, but I don't need to advertise to the world. I don't need people to look at me and think... oh that girl... this happened to her. But right now, without getting into specifics I think I have to vent... just a little bit. Just about the recent garbage that has been thrown on my lap, and weighed heavy on my mind and body.
My grandpa... he hasn't been gone 2 years but, oh the changes that have occurred! While my grandpa lay dying, my mother wouldn't talk to me. She was jealous. She was angry. She hated that my grandma acted more a mother to me than her. But whose fault is that... she left me as a child to be cared for by my grandparents. When my grandpa died, my father died... just like her! But what did she do... be there for her daughter, absolutely not. Instead she flat out abandoned her. And on his deathbed when he asked her to be happy, to take us in, to love us, she said no. Her last conversation with him was her saying... I've done all I can for those girls, they don't need me anymore and I don't need them. Yep, that is my mother. You'd think she was the effing main character in some BS lifetime movie the way she carries on.
Then soon after he passed away things got close - all was well... until she decided she was going to no longer speak with my Grandma. Why? Because she doesn't like my grandma's family... any of them. So long as you come from a womb that belonged to a woman on that side of the family, you were dead to her... and so was anyone who liked them or loved them. Why... because she was jealous. How dare they take attention that should be hers. How pathetic! How needy! How selfish.
So as my grandma sit in her big old house, alone, quiet, she wept, because not even her children could be civil. She not just lost her husband, she was losing her family. But my grandma, she's strong, she is loved by us, her grand kids, and by her cousins my mother hates so much. So she will be okay.
Then she again stopped talking to her oldest girls. We were again dead to her. And for no reason this time but she's stressed, she's angry and she resents us. She wants us to pay for everything, to take care of her, to sacrifice all we have worked for.
She has no money, yet she shops constantly, buys things for the home, pays someone to clean her house, pays someone to do her lawn, etc... please grow up and learn responsibility.
She claims she has no friends, but she has no one in her life she hasn't turned her back on. How did she expect to keep them around.
There has never been another being on this earth that I hated more... but still couldn't stop loving. I thought it was because of the kids... oh those kids, I love them more than life itself. But it's not the kids. I love her because she's my mother. Because there have been (maybe few) good times. Because I know she's broken. But, still... I hate her. I hate her for contaminating my life with negativity that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I hate her for making me feel insecure, inferior, and insignificant. I hate her for making me question myself. But most of all, I hate her for not allowing me to hate her enough not to love her.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Craft Sale Update!
A WIP Wednesday post will come later this evening. Last night I was much too tired to take pictures of anything.
But the craft fair... it was yesterday. We got to the conference room it was to be held and got ready. We were given a small counter space to set up. Lauren took to the left of the counter and I took to the right. She laid out her hair clips and I laid out my headbands. In the end, I sold 11 headbands and made $62. Each one was unlike the last but there was definitely a trend of the types of headbands that sold. The shinier softer fabric which I found to look more delicate definitely went faster than the standard worsted weight acrylic. Everyone seemed happy to have us join their fair and I believe we are invited back for next time. I'm going to try and whip up some bigger pieces, like afghans, shawls, hats, etc... and hopefully this can become a hobby that brings in some extra money, gives me peace (I find it very relaxing) and can pay for itself through these sales. I know in total over time I must have spent at least $62 on yarn, but for what I had sold, maybe only a few dollars. Almost all of that money is for labor... which I suppose makes sense.
I don't feel right charging etsy like prices for the crafts I'm making. I prefer to still feel as if this is my hobby. This morning when I got into work and found an email from a woman I work with saying her daughter was thrilled with the headbands and wore one to school today, I was ecstatic. That is payment enough in a sense.
Anyway tonight the WIP post will be up.. hopefully.
But the craft fair... it was yesterday. We got to the conference room it was to be held and got ready. We were given a small counter space to set up. Lauren took to the left of the counter and I took to the right. She laid out her hair clips and I laid out my headbands. In the end, I sold 11 headbands and made $62. Each one was unlike the last but there was definitely a trend of the types of headbands that sold. The shinier softer fabric which I found to look more delicate definitely went faster than the standard worsted weight acrylic. Everyone seemed happy to have us join their fair and I believe we are invited back for next time. I'm going to try and whip up some bigger pieces, like afghans, shawls, hats, etc... and hopefully this can become a hobby that brings in some extra money, gives me peace (I find it very relaxing) and can pay for itself through these sales. I know in total over time I must have spent at least $62 on yarn, but for what I had sold, maybe only a few dollars. Almost all of that money is for labor... which I suppose makes sense.
I don't feel right charging etsy like prices for the crafts I'm making. I prefer to still feel as if this is my hobby. This morning when I got into work and found an email from a woman I work with saying her daughter was thrilled with the headbands and wore one to school today, I was ecstatic. That is payment enough in a sense.
Anyway tonight the WIP post will be up.. hopefully.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Craft Sale
Monday, May 3, 2010
Killing Acrylic
This post is kind of out of date. The night before the craft fair I decided I'd attempt to kill the acrylic headbands to help them lay flat. Basically I pinned them to my ironing board (which has 2 layers of padding on top) and filled my steam iron to the tippy top with water. I then went to town pressing my steam button allowing the steam to hit the yarn without allowing the iron itself to touch it. It worked like a charm!
Killing yarn alters some of the fibers in the acrylic. It reduces it's elasticity allowing it to drape more fluidly. It also sometimes gives the yarn a nice sheen.
The headbands pinned and ready to go
My trusty iron and pins
Killing yarn alters some of the fibers in the acrylic. It reduces it's elasticity allowing it to drape more fluidly. It also sometimes gives the yarn a nice sheen.
The headbands pinned and ready to go
My trusty iron and pins
Granny Squares
I started those granny squares... only 4 rounds... which means they resemble this:
They are small. So far I've made 2 green, 2 white, 2 yellow, and a few of both. I want to pick up some pink and I have a bright orange I think would look cute with it. I just dont know how to put them together. I guess random is okay. Look below for the colors... they may not be the exact colors but who cares =)
They are small. So far I've made 2 green, 2 white, 2 yellow, and a few of both. I want to pick up some pink and I have a bright orange I think would look cute with it. I just dont know how to put them together. I guess random is okay. Look below for the colors... they may not be the exact colors but who cares =)Thoughtful Questions
A while back Andy forwarded me an email that had been taken from the website Thought Questions. It left me thinking. Since then I have it saved to my bookmarks and I check it almost daily. Today's was:
So I thought... I want to say my mother. Any time I consider my strongest opponent or the person in my life who brings me the most negativity, I can't help but think of her. But then... the person who most stands between me and happiness isn't really her is it? It's me ... because I've let her.
I continue to say that after we get married, after Paul graduates, after we move... I can start living my life. Why do I do that? Why don't I start now. Why don't I pick up and move forward now? Why have I been holding myself back. My brother and sister will be okay. I love them. My family loves them. They will be fine without me. Why won't I let myself be happy? I know what I am doing, yet I can't stop. What does that mean... I don't know.
So I thought... I want to say my mother. Any time I consider my strongest opponent or the person in my life who brings me the most negativity, I can't help but think of her. But then... the person who most stands between me and happiness isn't really her is it? It's me ... because I've let her. I continue to say that after we get married, after Paul graduates, after we move... I can start living my life. Why do I do that? Why don't I start now. Why don't I pick up and move forward now? Why have I been holding myself back. My brother and sister will be okay. I love them. My family loves them. They will be fine without me. Why won't I let myself be happy? I know what I am doing, yet I can't stop. What does that mean... I don't know.
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