I think I give a lot. I think I sacrifice for the better of my relationship. I know that Paul does too, but are the sacrifices equal? Do they have to be?
I am reading this book – the whole men are from Mars and women are from Venus book. Anyway… in the book it says that giving doesn’t need to be equal and you shouldn’t expect it to be, but you should never give too much where you feel resentment after. I think that’s beginning to happen to me.
When Paul and I begin this Boston to NY thing… I knew I’d be jealous of his countless new friendships and experiences that school brings. I knew that I’d be jealous of his trips and his fun. I knew I’d feel left out from his life he’d be living without me. And really… all these things happened. I think for the most part though, I was able to bite my tongue and move on with my head held high and hand firmly grasping his as a sign of solidarity.
Last year he chose to go to Thailand for about 2 weeks with school during Christmas break. It was also the 1 week I had off of work. It really hurt me that he chose to go. The hardest part was finding out from his mother rather than hear it from him. I struggled during that time to not be angry with him for going. I struggled to not be sad and upset. I finally was able to move on and get over it. He tried to go to Korea but it fell through. I tried to be supportive. Then … a few months ago he mentioned a BVI trip after graduation. It’s a Sloan MIT graduating class tradition. I told him that my answer was no… he nor I should go. We’d be newlyweds who hadn’t even lived together yet. We’d be newlyweds who hadn’t even honeymooned. We’d still have lots of catching up to do. We’d be broke and we’d be starting our lives a new. The last thing I want to do is go away, no matter how glorious the trip, with people who I hardly know (though whom are his friends) and celebrate with them. I want to celebrate us… together… alone! He also wanted to go to Argentina.
The Copa America is in Argentina this year - something that does not happen every year. He and Andy really want to go. I wasn’t immediately on board. I had wanted to honeymoon this summer… but the timing for Argentina seemed perfect. Why not! So I said okay we shall go so long as we can plan it out ahead of time and that we can afford it… post wedding expenses and all.
Today Paul brought up a Utah trip he asked me to think about. I thought that it was a good compromise to go. It was a chance to get to know his school friends a little bit better and to do something we both love… snowboard. It’s right after the wedding and that’s a little rough. It’s also the last weekend he’ll be home before he has to move back to Boston to finish up his last semester… but I thought … with no other trips under my belt… and so few left in his with these people why not!
Then he slammed me into a wall declaring that not just does he WANT to go to the BVI trip… he’d rather go to that than the Argentina trip and the Utah trip combined. My heart sank. What part of compromise did he miss? Do I not sit at home waiting for him to graduate every day? Do I not trust him like many people can’t? Do I not give him everything I can just short of losing myself? Do I not try so very hard to make him happy? Why then can he not just give me this? Why is it so hard? I know this trip is huge. I know this trip is highly discounted? I know we likely won’t be able to do something like this especially at this cost. I also know that if I give too much and lose myself… I won’t be able to give anymore. If I can no longer give, there is nothing left to gain. And if there is nothing left to gain… this relationship will end before it’s had a chance to really grow.
Why do couples do long distance? Why do they bother getting more degrees? Why does school have so many trips (non educational at that)? Why are students so selfish most of the time? Why do I bother?