My family is messed up on 1000 different levels. I dislike many of them for many deep seeded reasons. Many of which have to do with selfishness and just plain old not being a good person.
Last week, I was in an ambulance, accompanying my grandmother to the emergency room. She's not doing great and the doctors are at a loss of what to do. Her heart is weak and her kidneys are failing... and by fixing one, they will be killing the other. So they are trying to find a balance... and while they do, her life hangs in it.
In the meantime, my grandmother's children are selfish individuals. It took my grandmother's health to fail so bad that she's laying in a bed in ICU to come to see her. After months...years of fighting with her for nothing but being jealous of her relationship with her cousins. She loves them... and they love her. And these cousins have been there for her... when no one else has. When her own children turned their back on her... she had them, to take her to the dr., to make her dinner, to bring her to church, to keep her company... she had them.
And yet... now, I am playing corral with my family... making sure they don't run into each other. Making sure they don't fight. Until today. When I mentioned that one of these cousins is with my Grandma and my mother went full retard. Now she's threatening everyone. She is no longer my mother - I've been disowned (again). She's no longer attending my wedding. She isn't coming to queens. She hates us all and will use force if necessary to get my Grandma and her Cousins separated. Many of us though... will never let that happen.
The more I write about it, the more my anxiety ceases to exist and instead I realize more and more what is important in this life. That I cherish the family I do have... the non-toxic. The truly loving... and this circumstance has really showed me who CARE about me. Not because of any sort of relation but because there is real love running between us. With my mother, there is none. She cares of no one but herself. She doesn't care about my grandmother's health, what is best for her, what is best for her 2 small children or her 2 oldest and she sure as shit doesn't care about her brother's, their families, or her friends... that's just a show... to manipulate them into helping her when she needs it... and that, she fully admits. It's disgusting. But what's really sad is that when it's her turn to lay in ICU with her heart and kidney's failing... she may have no visitors at all.