Friday, April 29, 2011

I'm being so SELFISH

And I know why... because I'm jealous!

This weekend we are supposed to go to a festival upstate. It's a beer festival and I'm not looking forward to it. I think maybe part of it is my tiredness lately. I feel physically and emotionally drained. The other part is the drinking... I honestly don't find getting drunk fun anymore. I even feel like it's a waste of my time and money. I hate being around drunk people. I just don't really feel like it's for me anymore.

I think the other part is that my husband and I are in the middle of a fork in the road where we each can't agree on which path to take. Leaving me wanting to take a path alone. He never says the right thing and he never seems to understand where I'm coming from and it's been bringing me down more than I thought it could. I know he's busy though... and maybe in the end he's really just to busy for me at the moment.

I put in a lot of effort trying to find a house for us to stay in this weekend, however a friend stepped up and helped and we west with a house she found. Everyone is headed up early which likely leaves Paul and I on a sofa bed. I'm not thrilled. As a matter of fact, I'm pissed. These people see each other daily, they lay in the same bed every night TOGETHER, and I get a measly weekend here or there with my husband... I was hoping after putting in all that effort, we'd at least get a bed... maybe even our own room. Yeah Right! These people don't care about us and our situation.

I'm just so down... I don't feel like being around anyone or anything at the moment. I just want to take long walks and wonder around aimlessly in the nice weather. I want to curl into a comfy chair and get lost in a book. I want to sleep soundly, quietly, in a comfortable bed... alone. I want to find myself and figured myself out.

But then I think of what happened down south... all those people, what they saw, whom they lost, what they are going through... and I realize I'm very selfish. All those lives... gone. Selfish. All those soldiers killed. Selfish. What's wrong with me! Why am I acting like this stupid weekend is the end of the world. If I don't want to go - I simply don't have to go. If I want to go - then I should go. In the end it's no big deal, because there are FAR BIGGER crisis going on in the homes of so many good people. And my efforts should be focused on praying for those people and their loved ones... not myself!

So yeah - I need to stop being so selfish and think about the people who really are going through the living nightmare of their lives. May God bless them and protect them and blanket them with His love.

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