You Can Make a Trash Bag Look Good

What happened to the days when my Grandmother would say, "Lilia, don't worry. With your body, you can go to the party in a trash bag and look beautiful."

Did I gain too much weight? Am I too old? Am I too happy? Why can't those things be said now?

Today was day one of the wedding dress search. Without actually discussing dresses on a forum Paul has access too, I will try to get into the multiple reasons why this might be the most aggravating experience.

I know my body. I know I'm not skinny. I know I have curves. I know I can cinch in at the waist. And I know I have an ass. I love all my curves. Even the ones that fluctuate with my beer and friend food intake. It's part of me, each and every bump, lump and imperfection. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I'm not afraid to show it. I am however a tom boy. I have been and always will be. Just because it looks good doesn't mean it's comfortable. Some women might like to pay the price of sore feet and inability to breath in the name of beauty, but I simply am not one of them!

So Saturday morning... 1 day till the infamous dress shopping appointment I receive a call from my Mom. It's raining and it's daylight savings so she doesn't think she should drive down to Queens anymore. Between the wet roads and getting the kids up for school Monday morning, she thought it best to sit this one out. Hmmm, yeah! I'm sure you are thinking what I was thinking. Disappointment! What mother isn't willing to drive in some rain ... slowly, getting their feet wet, to be with their daughter in the search to find her wedding dress? And really... is getting an 11 year old up at 6AM really that big of a deal? I think not. The appointment is at 11. She'd be home well in time to make dinner let alone put them to bed.

So Sunday came, and my sister and I picked up Paul's mom and headed to the store. I showed the woman the dressed I'd like to try own and like a pack mule she brought 25lb dress after 25lb dress for me to try on. I was anxious to try on one I'd been eying for a while. The minute the dress was zipped up and on my body, the whole store smiled. I not just loved it but other's did too... except those two disagreeing faces attached to my party. Of course! No one ever likes the dress you are in love with. I still like it. I know it's not the most flattering on my figure, I know it's not perfect, but it's me on so many levels. It suits my personality. Its simply me! So what if I'm not a size 0! So what if it doesn't make me resemble an anorexic. So what if you can't see every curve of my body. Shouldn't that view be reserved for my husband anyway?

Many, many dresses were tried on. Many, many more dresses were tried on. My sister asked for one to be brought over. Without describing what it looked like, I'll just say ... it was in between. It looked beautiful. It was perfect. Paul's Mom, still unimpressed. It was like they felt like I could have better. Well isn't that always the case? You can always find something better... I'm sure I could find someone better than Paul. There are millions of men in this world. Some may have better qualities than Paul in one place or another. But when you find that man that you can picture your forever with... you stop looking. So shouldn't it be true with the dress? When you put on the dress you can picture walking down the aisle with, don't you stop looking?

I wouldn't seal the deal until I showed at least pictures to my mother and grandmother. I promised the consultant that I'd be back and I'd make an appointment. I promised Paul's mom, I'd keep looking... I might have lied. I don't want to keep looking. I hated the experience, I hated the process, I found a dress I can live with... can't I just move on with my life now?

After it was all said and done I met up with a few relatives including my Grandmother. Long gone is the woman who'd support you in all your decisions. Long gone is the woman who tells you that you are beautiful. Long gone is the woman who holds back criticism that's not constructive. The new woman who has leaked out of the skin that used to hold my Grandmother disagrees with everyone around her. She is the only person who is ever right. She cooks better than you. She crochets better than you. She sews better than you. She knows everything and you know nothing. Her taste is the only taste that is acceptable and her taste is the only taste that is beautiful. She lies. She contradicts herself. She changes her story constantly. She isn't happy. And she is the type of unhappy that want's to bring everyone around her down.

So what does this new Grandma of mine say? That she dislikes all these dresses. That she likes the dresses in her Korean soap opera. Well I live in a real world, not some fucked up boring subtitled soap! I live in the US. I was born in the 80's. I'm a product of a semi-liberal upbringing. I'm not a strict practicing Catholic. I don't believe in superstition. And I don't care for your poofy sleeved, Filipino material, Filipine made garbage! But in 2 hours... could she say 1 compliment? No. Could she at least pretend? No. Could she at least refrain from throwing insults? No.

Remind me again why these people are invited to my wedding? They might be my family. I may love them. But these aren't the same people who raised me. These people aren't the people who filled my memories with positive love. These people are down, depressed, jealous, and petty. They are miserable and what those around them to be too! They don't want to see anyone else happy. They are selfish beyond words. So why again am I not eloping? Why am I not running away with Paul to the PNW to disappear from these people forever? Maybe I have some hope that they can change? Maybe I have some hope that ... tomorrows can still be like yesterdays?

Without my Grandpa, my family is broken. They are the kind of broken you can't fix. They don't want fixing. They don't think anything's wrong.

So yeah, I'd have preferred a colonoscopy. I'd have preferred a root canal. I'd prefer never to go through this again. And while I'm at it... I'd have preferred and still would prefer eloping. Just me... Paul... and God. Just Us, surrounded by nature. Just us, vowing our love to one other... to the people who matter... each other.

Why is that not happening again?

E-Friends

So I don't have many friends. I especially don't have any real female friends. I do have great cousins that are female that I don't think I could live without. I have a great sister that is almost my age who I consider also a friend. But, in general, my list of friends is fairly short.

Most of my interests include very few women. I love snowboarding, kayaking, camping, beer drinking, friend food eating, etc... These events are usually swarming with men. I don't mind... a friend is a friend... male or female. But when you are stating to plan your wedding invite list... you do see the lack of women on the guest list.

I found the Sierra Community. I found E-Friends. I speak to many of them every day in Sierra, on Google Talk and now on Facebook. They are both made up of men and women. And we all have the common interest of Snowboarding. We are located all over the world. And for the most part, we really care about each other. In many ways, we are almost more close than our in person friends.

Through the protection of the computer screen, we are able to share things with one another with ease. We can censor ourselves. But that's really not the case with this group. I've met 80% of them in person over the last few months. We've shared stories, beers, food, laughs, inside jokes, and time. I enjoy them online and in person. These people are more than E-Friends. They are just friends now.

The hang up is what other people think. Does Paul understand that these people mean something to me? Is it odd I almost want them at my wedding (but I wont go there)? Is it normal that I miss them when it's been a while since we've spoken? Is it crazy that I've flown across the country to sleep in the guest bedroom of a man I'd never met in person? Is it nuts that I would do it again in a heart beat? Is it nuts I've spent hundreds of dollars to enjoy their company regardless of snowboard conditions?

So yeah, that's about it. I have a strong sense of connection with these people. I enjoy them. And I'm grateful for each and every one of them. I know many of them are not Paul's cup of tea... but that's okay. These are my friends, not his. I can't say I enjoy the company of all the people he calls friend.

I'm grateful for my international friends. My E-friends. I'm grateful for the internet, which connected us. I'm grateful for text message and national calling. I'm grateful for snowboarding because without it, we would have all never found each other. And I'm grateful to Sierra's Community, because it's where we all fell into place.

=) Thanks for my Friends!

My Ever Growing 'To Do List'

This list is not in the order of importance or necessity.... it's just as it came into my head.

To Do List

• Be a gracious wife
• Be a providing mother
• Live on, on top of, or at the base of a mountain
• Have a decent size plot of land with a just big enough house
• Have an herb garden (that thrives)
• Grow tomatoes and peppers and other vegetables
  
• Learn to knit
• Crochet more than just hats
• Learn to use my sewing machine to create wearable clothes and usable bags
• Be a stay at home Mom but still provide financially where I can
• Obtain a flexible job that allows me to work from home or work only 2-3 days a week
• Live in a clean house with no harsh chemicals
• Eat organic
• Snack less
• Lose 10 lbs
• Snowboard 50+ days a year
• Learn to kayak well enough to do it on my own
• Try downhill mountain biking
• Go camping every other weekend of the summer and not over pack
• Own my own tent with enough space to store it
• Buy a car with all wheel drive (or 4 wheel), low emissions, and a roof rack
• Learn that life is not a race
• Appreciate
• Teach
• Accept
• Build long lasting relationships
• Have more real girlfriends
• I'm sure there will be more
  

Rain rain stay away!

"Rain rain stay away... don't come back until it's May.

Then the snow won't disappear, the end of snowboard season is what I fear!" - Me

What a bummer. I was so excited. The sierra hook ups have been great. I was hoping to nab boards at deep discounts for my snow loving family and I was more or less able to. A free board for me and Andy was awesome but I knew Jomel needed an upgrade. Raquel needed a set up. And Lauren needed one as well.

Thanks to Sierra, and their generous discount offers, I was able to recommend great boards with reasonable prices to them. I fronted the money to take advantage of my members 10% discount and gifted Raquel some bindings.

Lauren received her Sierra V Spot this week. It's a gorgeous 142 with cute top sheet... ironically with a vamp that looks just like her. It has a rocker for easy learning and great playfulness and is progressive enough to take her into her intermediate levels of riding in the future. It should last her years. And at a sweet price! I sold her my Burton Lexa bindings for $45 and she has her set up... with my boots. I wish those boots fit me, but I rather see them being used by her than sitting in my closet for another year.

Jomel ordered the Sierra Reverse Crew. Similar to the V Spot but a mens board. It's a beautiful black and green 155. Did I mention I WANT THIS BOARD? Jomel has progressed so much. He charges the mountain with a lot less fear. He is open to trying anything... no matter how steep, how bumpy or how hard. He tries... and thats all you can ask of someone. This kind big brother was going to opt out of getting a board at all in order to help his sister pay for a board and bindings. He couldn't afford both pieces of her set up and still get himself a board. So I had to step in. I picked up the bindings for Raquel myself, not wanting Jomel to sacrifice more than his kind heart already has. I can't wait to see him progress even more with this new board.

Raquel ordered the Capita Saturnia. It's the stiffer version of my new Capita SMF. I love it. I know she will love it too. It's tacky top sheet is just her style. It's her 1st set up and has an extruded base which is low maintenance. High maintenance girls need low maintenance gear. I grabbed her the Burton Stiletoes which are entry level. I would never grab them for myself but with her beginner style less aggressive ridding, it should be fine. Once she steps it up, she can grab something a little stiffer and a little more aggressive, but until then I think they are a perfect match for her fun new board and soft entry level Salomon boots she picked up a month ago.

Now the downer....

This weekend it is supposed to rain... rain... rain...

Rain = horrible conditions
Rain = melted snow
Rain = possible early end to the season

I've never seen 3 people more excited about using their new gear in my life. It's supposed to rain from mid-VT all the way down into PA. What can I do? Lauren wants to drive to Canada (yes she's crazy).

Hopefully we will figure something out... or at least get some runs in next weekend. After all... all the girls need is a beginner slope to turn on and Jomel and I are generally happy with anything. There is always something new to learn and always something fun to do no matter what hill you are own. Andy is much the same way... he even likes to ride Mount Wang (the Wang households driveway). That's why we are dedicated... and hopefully we keep this enthusiasm forever.

Good Morning Phone Calls

This morning I told Paul I thought that we were crazy to get married. We argued and immediately started joking around last night. But sometimes Paul irks me. He has the power to get under your skin without completing a sentence.


Conversation:

Lilia: Paul, I'm kinda worried about getting married. Maybe it's a mistake.

Paul: Why?

Lilia: Because you really annoy me sometimes.

Paul: You are just realizing this now!?

Lilia: It's just ... can I live with this forever?

Paul: Wicked laugh

Lilia: See I'm being serious! You are laughing your ... hahaha now we are getting married and I trapped you and will annoy you for all eternity laugh

Paul: mwhahahahahaha

Lillia: I give up

Yep that was our good morning conversation. Real healthy right? Paul does annoy me. Often. Repeatedly. He's horrible to be around when you need to just relax. He's pushy. He's dense. He has the art of annoyance down.

But I'm marrying him... for better or worse till death do us annoy each other to death

Wined Up

Last night my cousin and I went out for some wine and shared eats. It was nice. Peaceful. We could talk. We could talk about anything. It's why it's good to do that once in a while.

So what I've realized... people think Paul and I are kinda strange.

No, I don't sit at home missing him.
No, I don't talk to him on a regular basis while he's gone.
No, I don't ponder our future.
No, I don't mind our time apart.
No, a long distance engagement isn't too hard
No, planning a wedding apart isn't impossible
No, we aren't always great
Yes, we will be always fine!

I don't know if we are a model couple. The kind others should strive to be. We don't fit anyone's version of successful relationship, but we work. We found out that life is better when we are together (literally or not) than when we are apart. We found out that our days are brighter when we know the other has you on their mind. We found out that we'd sacrifice to create a better us (not to be confused with sacrificing yourself to make a better him/her).

Life-

It's not easy. It's not black. It's not white. It's not fast. It's not slow. It's not strait.

It is spontaneous. It is complex. It is hard. It is all gray, black, red, green and yellow. It is every changing. It is ever moving. It is connected with all and connected with nothing. It is mysterious.

It will never be understood.

It will be explored. Just like anything else. We will fall. We will fail. We will succeed. We will try... we will continue always to try.

I live my life... and Paul lives his. Sometimes we are living that life together. But when we are not... we are supporting each other in living our own lives. My life will always be my own... as his will always be his own... but sometimes... just sometimes... that life is joined and at those times... life seems near perfect. So the few times our lives can align... make living life apart worth it.

Maybe that's why it works?

Dear Snowboarding,

Dear Snowboarding,

You were never a true part of my life. I was in HS. I was a skier. I was a poor skier. I was bored. I had a skater boyfriend. He took me to the hill. We tried it together. I sucked. I gave up. I was still a skier.

Years past and I decided it was time for new skis. Off to the local shop and a few sales products shown and I had a new set up. Excited I'd work my 6 day week, party Saturday night and drive up Sunday morning to get a day in. It was dedication... but it was lonely.

Then Paul said I should try you out. I said I would. A hand me down Rossignol with Ride bindings and hand me down Salomon boots which were too big. I had calf bite. I had heel lift. I had cramps. I had bruises. I failed! Then I bought my own boots... grabbed my hand me down set up and was linking turns. You changed my life! You helped me see what pushing myself physically was all about after letting me go into a state of hibernation since soccer ended.

Snowboarding, you give me hope that my back pain won't stop me. You give me freedom from all things natural. To fly fast down conditions that are sometimes forced is beyond my reason. To travel so high up peaks and ridges that I can see for 100s of miles is a beauty I'd have never seen. To sweat while surrounded by frozeness, is a feeling unknown to many. To meet individuals who have nothing in common but you as a singular passion has become my blessing. You are my savior from a life I was losing at. You've given me what I've been looking for. You've brought me and Paul closer together. You've changed my life.

Thank you, Snowboarding for making me a better person. Thank you for helping me appreciate nature, life, humans, ability, snow, physical strength and mental stamina. Thank you snowboarding, for being something my family and I can do together. Thank you for letting them love you. Thank you for being our common ground!

But snowboarding, can you please price adjust yourself just a little bit. I sacrifice a lot to be able to make you my world but people I love cannot have that luxury.

Snowboarding... never leave me. I love you!