Confused

I'm confused. I'm tired. I need a break. But that break won't come.

This morning was that type of morning where you just knew you should have called in sick. I decided to stay by my mother's house last night - and I slept in a room with my brother in sister (because it had AC). The AC made my thoat sore and my brother's movement kept me up most of the night. No sooner did I go to bed than I was waking up to head to work. After getting dressed and having a cup of coffee I was off to the train.

While on the train I got a text from my boss that he'd be calling in sick. This is fairly typical for him... he seems to only get sick on Mondays. But last week his son was sick, so I'll let the low blows slide today.

Once here, I rushed to get some things to our VP, who is also not in. I suppose in the end though, this is all blessing's in disguise. I can run home and pick up items I had forgotten (that I'll need for my court date tomorrow) and I won't be hounded too much during the day.

But then of course I spilled coffee on my dress.

It's just an annoying day - not a bad one - just annoying. So many things going on - I'm just overwhelmed.

Tissue Packets

I'm tired and with the World Cup in full effect, the last thing I want to do is write a blog. I spend most of my days watching games and trying to get my work done in between. By the time I get home, I just want to sleep. I haven't picked up a hook, I haven't taken photos, I haven't done much but read my books.. many many books at that.

But tonight I thought I should start cracking on some of the DIY wedding stuff on my list. After searching the internet for ideas, I came up with nothing... nothing simple enough to fit he bill that is. I want something fast and easy and dummy proof because I after all only claim to be a crafter.

So tonight I went to AC Moore and picked up a ton of sheets of cardstock in midnight blue for about $0.29 a piece, some ivory 1/8th inch ribon from the $0.50 bin and some paper punch outs I needed for my gift tags anyway. And then... I went to work experimenting. Some trial and error later I came up with this.

I don't even know the measurements. I cut a piece of card stock about 1/2 an inch wider than a 2 pieces of tissue from a small pack were and then doubled the height. I used a boner to score the center and 1/4 inch on each side. I then fold it in 1/2 and folded in the 2 sides. I used adhesive on the sides and wala! I added the ribbon and snowflake cut outs from a hole punch. I wanted to incorporate the poem: "Tears of joy, tears of laughter, tears of happily ever after" but I don't love my handwriting. I may or may not include that not on the back at all. It's just a prototype and we'll be saving tons since this will allow us to spread 2 packs of kleenex into 15 tissue packs (2 tissues each). The tissues we already had on hand, so really we are spending very little.

Luna

I suppose nothing is set in stone but Paul and I have been thinking this will be our song for quite some time now. Smashing Pumpkins are one of my most favorite bands... and maybe one of the most influential bands of their era. Luna is one of their most unrecognized and low key songs out there. Even some fans don't really know the song... but it's simple and beautiful and touching all at once. It makes your heart beat in your belly and it makes your breath shallow. It makes you feel heavy with emotion, but light and mellow all at once. The song is magical.

What moonsongs
Do you sing your babies?
What sunshine do you bring?

Who belongs
Who decides who's crazy
Who rights wrongs where others cling?

I'll sing for you
If you want me to
I'll give to you
And it's a chance I'll have to take
And it's a chance I'll have to break

I go along
Just because I'm lazy
I go along to be with you

And those moonsongs
That you sing your babies
Will be the songs to see you through

I'll hear your song
If you want me to
I'll sing along
And it's a chance I'll have to take
And it's a chance I'll have to break

I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you
So in love
I'm in love with you
With you
I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you
So in love
I'm in love with you
I'm
I'm so in love
I'm in love with you

My favorite part might be where they say "I go along just because I'm lazy. I go along to be with you." It's simple and it's true. Why play games? Why create drama where it need not exist? Why not just simply be together, just to be together?

7 Months

In 7 monts I'll be Paul's wife. In 7 months, I'll be celebrating with friends and family. In 7 months I will be 10 lbs lighter (because I need to be healthy for my family). In 7 months, I will be surrounded by snow. In 7 months, I may be a bit tipsy. In 7 months, I will have shorter hair. In 7 months, I'll be wearing white.

All this means I only have 7 more months to plan my wedding... a wedding that currently only has a venue, a photographer, and a dress. I have more to do than I can handle. For my birthday - can I have a wedding coordinator? Maybe it can also be a wedding gift, christmas gift, and housewarming gift? Overwhelmed is not even close to expressing what this wedding makes me feel. But in 7 months... all it will make me feel is good.

and relief that it's over.

Mondays....

PLEASE CLICK FOR LARGER IMAGE

You can click to see the larger image... yep I'm a jerk face!


Paul thought my funny rant this morning was comical and that I should share - so I will.

Today I got to work hoping for a semi busy day of repetitive but necessary work. Instead I was asked by my boss to do something he was more than capable of doing because.... some days - he just does that. It irks me but what irks me more is the incompetence of some people... especially when they get paid more than me and have a power trip.

Yes, I sometimes ask people above me to get shit done. I don't do it because I like to but because that's my job! Yes, you may be a director and I may be a senior but you are in operations and I'm in reporting thus, I still get the big picture and you still get the small one. Tough noogies!

What kills me are the dumb questions. When you get an email that says: Can you please change Y to Z because ABC won't work unless this matches exactly. You have all the info you need except maybe the time-line. You have the action necessary and you have the reason why. So it kills me when someone calls me to ask, "What are the implications of this?"

Define: Implication = something that is inferred (deduced or entailed or implied)

So what is implied by this hmmm... lets see - WTF does that even mean! Ask a valid question. So when I say ... what exactly are you asking she says - Why do we need to do this. Well honey, implication does NOT equal why! This is why I am not surprised by the high unemployment rate.... I mean if you can pay a monkey to do a humans job, why hire a human.

Of course nothing can be easy and nothing I'm doing today is tying out.

But let's start move on with the comical morning commute! I decided after paying my rent late, I'd reward myself with a cup of coffee for the train ride in. After purchasing my tall coffee with room for milk, I headed down into the hot platform and was bombarded by bodies. The trains must be running slow again... Freaking MTA and their cut backs are destroying NYers lives! The F finally comes and I contemplate waiting for the next one. But of course, against my better judgment I hop on. That, my friends, was a bad idea. It was packed tight and the AC ... non existent. After 2 stops I hurried my ass off that train for need of oxygen.

Once the next F rolled in, I kicked myself for not waiting in the 1st place. I might have even gotten a seat. But as my luck would have it, a gentlemen seated right where I was standing got up at the next stop. As I was turning my body to plop my ass in the empty seat, I see this over-sized young woman hurdling her body in my direction. For fear of bodily harm or sweaty fat arm to sweaty fat arm contact, I stopped mid seat and looked at her saying she may go ahead. After all, she may have been having a hot spell or out of breath and might claps from heat stoke any minute. My conscience is far to clean at the moment to have someone's coma or even death on my hands. After an awkward exchange of:
Me: Go Ahead
Her: No you go ahead
Me: Are you sure?
Her: Yes, go ahead
Me: Okay!

I parked my ass down much to the woman next to me's delight. I am by no means a skinny girl, but by comparison, my ass is the smaller of the two. At this point I buried my head in my book, which I finished and ignored all other MTA patrons completely.

I have to say, I'm pretty thankful. That young lady saved my feet and shirt from a sweaty morning... which likely saved my boss my attitude upon coming in to him being late yet again.

And for your pleasure: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/68269419.html

Depression hurts. Cymbalta can help

No ... I'm joking. No Cymbalta for me... or any other anti-depressant. I took that road during my college years and even a bit after... and I can't say it helped. It may have even hurt me. I was severely depressed to the point that I was self destructive. I sought therapy and medication, but really... it fixed nothing.

What I needed to do was change my life and I did... but I soon found other vices and negative ways to cure my idle mind and lonely self. It took me almost 8 years to figure out how to live a mentally healthy life and I'm so glad I did.

This does not mean I don't get depressed. I do. I do often at times. But I do for reason. I don't find myself trapped with no solution. I don't find myself wallowing in self pity hating myself and the world. I sometimes just feel really extraordinarily down because of certain circumstances in my life. But... with a clear head and thoughtful action, I'm usually able to move forward. This was not always the case and I'm grateful that I have this ability now.

Having my family is hard. Having my family mixed with my personality... is harder. I love my family more than I can put to words, however, many many many times, I don't like them. But the love is strong and I'll torture myself to make things as good as they can be because it makes me happy. I will live 100 days of torture to receive 6 hours of happy peaceful familial bliss.

Having a repeatedly long-term long-distance relationship is hard. Having my personality... makes it easier. I am not unreasonably jealous, I'm not helpless, I'm not needy, and I'm not clingy but I fear that my independent personality mixed with Paul's + his grinding schedule and exciting new starts are causing fissures in our relationship. I can't say that it's causing us to fight... because fighting would require communication. We are just moving in slightly different directions... and honestly - this timing couldn't be worse... our wedding... is in 7 months.

We have hardly spoken since he's moved to Chicago. We hardly get a chance to get through things. His schedule doesn't match mine. It's just been rough. We've communicated solely via text message because his phone never gets service or he's out and about meeting new people. I'm over my text limit by about 100 text messages. I'll hate to see that bill. It's just frustrating and worrisome. I hope we figure this out and I hope we do it soon.

Anyway I'm exhausted and need to sleep... work tomorrow.

My Birthday Weekend

As many of you know... my birthday was Friday and due to my Mom's work schedule, she had to travel to Haiti last week. So I spent my birthday babysitting... and it was great. I drove up to their place on Wednesday after work and got right to it. We did homework, cleaned up and hit the sack. On Thursday, I went to work, they went to school, and then we regrouped. We packed up for Friday's after school trip to the Catskills.

On Friday, I had to volunteer at Kyle's kindergarten. I was the teachers helper on my birthday... surrounded by loud 5 and 6 year olds. But it was fun. They were polite for the most part and Kyle's teacher is great. I helped sort through papers, answer questions and cut some projects they needed to start later that day. After the kids celebrated May and June birthdays, we were off to the grocery store to spend way too much money on way too much food for our trip upstate. After all, Friday night was to be just us. But while there my Grandma called and informed me that they'd leave Friday night to see us and celebrate my birthday and that they did... arriving at 11PM, just in time. After a late night of munching on food, BBQing, hiking, cleaning and setting up, we headed to bed.

Saturday started early. We made breakfast, hiked in the woods, started up the 4 wheelers, played games and goofed off. Soon the whole tribe was there and we were playing with water guns and running quads like it was our last day up there (but it was our 1st).

Sunday came the big pig roast. The kids played, the adults cooked, and us in betweens did a little of both. We managed to sneak away for an hour and hit the river where we went swiming and climbed on a fallen log. We jumped off it into the neck deep water. It was about 6-8 feet high. Even Kyle and Amanda did it. I was proud of my little rascal brother for taking the plunge. He was definitely scared. We headed back and all the food was done! The pig came out delicious, as did the clams, fish, macaroni salad, corn, beef stew, noodles, and everything else that we ate that day! It was so yum. Then the Mah Jong set was taken out and the playing and drinking began.

Monday, we all woke up tired. We went out for breakfast and came home and started tidying up. We went back to the river (a different spot) and went for a dip. Then it was time to head back, get showered, clean up, pack up and head home. That's exactly how it worked... but it took a lot longer with all the food, toys, kids etc...

After the drive back to my Mother's house (she already got home), I was so tired. We had dinner and my Mom asked me to stay, so I did. I took the train into work and back on Tuesday, had dinner, hung out till 9PM and hit the road to Queens. Getting home was nice but it's also sad. It means the MDW is over.

I was greeted by wilting plants and a film of black smog on my floors. I left the windows open and yes NYC filth comes right in and invades everything, especially your windowsills and floors. I have much cleaning to do.

But over all my birthday was a successful weekend despite the important missing loved ones in my life. Paul was in Chicago doing his thing for work, my Mom was in Haiti then at home relaxing, and my friends were up to their usual memorial day antics, but I had my Grandma, my siblings, 1 of 2 cousins, 1 of 2 uncles and aunts, and an extended uncle and aunt who by the way, made my birthday extra special by making tons of my favorite foods and helping out by taking over much of the cooking process.

Thanks to everyone who made turning 28 not as painful as it could have been.

Pictures:

Delroy (the neighbors dog) came for a visit when we arrived. Amanda had a blast chasing him around the property.

Kyle was a happy boy swinging around on the tire swing

Here he is mid swing

We went for a hike in the woods at just about Twilight. Amanda took the lead.

We found tons of clover

Kyle and I were on a quest to find the old tree stand. We eventually found it... fallen over and falling apart.

My Birthday Cake Made My Katherine - Queenie Cakes
(Thanks for my surprise cake made with my favorite colors and favorite animal... PIGS)

On Sat A.T. went for her 1st ever quad ride with Amanda - brave woman!

This is the face Lauren gave me ... apparently I was annoying

Apparently this is Filipino bug repellent. Smoke... it is also people repellent.

A girl and her dog... at least one of them

My grandma, preparing the stuffing for my Birthday Gift

A close up of the yummy goodness

Everyone lounging around while the kids run circles around the property on the quads

Waterguns - a must on hot summer days

Yes that's my bday gift - a pig. And yes, that's my brother, kissing it. Unsanitary for the pig and my brother but funny indeed.

Designated pork baster - Bryan.
Which is probably why the skin was not crispy - leave it to a guilo

My Birthday gift - and it was tasty!

Spinners :) my Aunt and Uncle

My grandma relaxing in the woods after all that chopping

Jomel - AKA Slowmel relaxing

Kyle, dominating on that 4 wheeler... or as he says it Qwa-ad (2 syllables)

The only picture of me. It appears that I'm thumbs-uping Bryan, but I was doing it for the pig!

Another shot of the speed demon!

Mahjong - a family tradition and obsession!

I do not advocate fur but my uncle's girl does - Amanda found this carcass in the closet and thought she may be able to scare some people in the woods - pretending to be the bears that have been sited on properties on the block all weekend. You have to admit, it's a scary site and it was creative!

Kyle with Amira dressed in her luau finest! (poor dog)

On my way home from my Mom's I stopped at the lake and grabbed my camera. It's definitely blurred but i thought it was still a great shot considering it was dark outside and I have no tripod.