Sunday, June 6, 2010

Depression hurts. Cymbalta can help

No ... I'm joking. No Cymbalta for me... or any other anti-depressant. I took that road during my college years and even a bit after... and I can't say it helped. It may have even hurt me. I was severely depressed to the point that I was self destructive. I sought therapy and medication, but really... it fixed nothing.

What I needed to do was change my life and I did... but I soon found other vices and negative ways to cure my idle mind and lonely self. It took me almost 8 years to figure out how to live a mentally healthy life and I'm so glad I did.

This does not mean I don't get depressed. I do. I do often at times. But I do for reason. I don't find myself trapped with no solution. I don't find myself wallowing in self pity hating myself and the world. I sometimes just feel really extraordinarily down because of certain circumstances in my life. But... with a clear head and thoughtful action, I'm usually able to move forward. This was not always the case and I'm grateful that I have this ability now.

Having my family is hard. Having my family mixed with my personality... is harder. I love my family more than I can put to words, however, many many many times, I don't like them. But the love is strong and I'll torture myself to make things as good as they can be because it makes me happy. I will live 100 days of torture to receive 6 hours of happy peaceful familial bliss.

Having a repeatedly long-term long-distance relationship is hard. Having my personality... makes it easier. I am not unreasonably jealous, I'm not helpless, I'm not needy, and I'm not clingy but I fear that my independent personality mixed with Paul's + his grinding schedule and exciting new starts are causing fissures in our relationship. I can't say that it's causing us to fight... because fighting would require communication. We are just moving in slightly different directions... and honestly - this timing couldn't be worse... our wedding... is in 7 months.

We have hardly spoken since he's moved to Chicago. We hardly get a chance to get through things. His schedule doesn't match mine. It's just been rough. We've communicated solely via text message because his phone never gets service or he's out and about meeting new people. I'm over my text limit by about 100 text messages. I'll hate to see that bill. It's just frustrating and worrisome. I hope we figure this out and I hope we do it soon.

Anyway I'm exhausted and need to sleep... work tomorrow.

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