Wedding Traditions...

That we don't think we are doing...

• Married in your home parish - it simply meant more to us to be in an environment filled with awe inspiring beauty ... barely touched by man and created by God
• Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue - really? what is the point
• Father giving the bride away - I am an independent woman... separated from my father for quite some time. I can give myself away to the man I love.
• White aisle runner - It is a church... you don't get much more significance of walking on holy ground than that.
  
• Unity Candle - We are quite comfortable that the two of us will have family unity (the large candle)... but there is really no reason to pretend like there is this unending unity between our individual families (the smaller ones). Besides - because everyone else is doing it, is not reason enough to have it be part of our wedding.
• Waltz or traditional 1st dance - we aren't traditional people. Smashing Pumpkins speaks to us so that is what we will dance to.
• Garter Belt toss - Honestly, a garter is a piece of lingerie, I don't need mine tossed to the single friends and relatives attending my wedding.
• Bouquet toss - what is the point. It means nothing and highlights each woman's singleness, some of whom may be proud and some ashamed. Why bother?
• Grand exit - we don't plan on leaving, we intend to finish off the night with our guests who traveled far to be there... not leave them there to wind down the night alone
• Throwing of confetti- it's to with the couple a fruitful union... but honestly it's impractical. Our loved ones can just pray that we have one instead.
• Tying shoes/cans to the car - we are sleeping in the hotel that the reception is being held. It would serve no purpose.
• Carrying the bride over the threshold- we'll see, Paul'd have to pick me up 1st
• Honeymoon - with a destination wedding, it's just impractical
• Veil - I still don't know if I want to wear one
• White - I'm still pure though not chaste but we don't need everything to be white to show that.
• Lasso - though a Hispanic and Filipino tradition, we wont be doing it
• Visit to Mary - though I pray to Mary often, I wont be walking to her with my mother during the ceremony
• Pinning of money to the garment - get real
• Veil ceremony - I don't like it's symbolism
• I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that immediately crossed my mind
  

Weekend Was Tough

This past weekend was really tough. Friday night, Paul and I had a couples massage scheduled for when I got out of work. I was really looking forward to some one on one date night action before he moved back to Boston. Instead he called up all his friends and asked them to come out for drinks. Instead of finding a place and sticking to it, we wandered around the city disappointed in each bar. I was 2 minutes away from hailing a cab and going home. I felt aggravated, frustrated, disappointed and in a sense, not good enough for Friday night company. I know Paul wanted to see his friends, but really?

Well there was still Saturday right? NOT! Friday Paul's Mom emailed me regarding his sister's birthday in PA. Paul so happened to forget to ask me about it. In the end we both thought it was only right that we attend. I love this sister of his. I love all his siblings, particularly the one's in PA. The relationship has been strained from the start (no fault of Paul's) and bridging this gaps are a good start on forming an ever closer bond. Unfortunately, the party lasted all day and we weren't home till past midnight. I had to go grab a Papa's car because Paul was taking mine. In the end, we went to bed and at 5AM Paul was out the door moving to Boston.... on the anniversary of my grandpa's death... only 2 years ago.

So yeah... I was sad all weekend. I was upset in the morning. I was worried how I'd be emotionally. With my mom not talking to my sister and me, my sister in FL and my grandma in VA - I was just ... alone.

I got through the day with little drama but lots of anxiety. I was sad about my grandpa but instead of really - REALLY thinking about him, I ended up thinking about my Mom and my little brother and sister. They were at church and when I went to them to say hello, my mother shunned me. I didn't let it stop me, I grabbed her cheek and kissed it hello. I will be respectful - and then whatever she does... you cannot pin that on me. What hurt me was my brother and sister who so fear my mother's wrath, actually ignored me and turned away from me. They were headed to my Uncle's for a BBQ. I was invited as well... and I went. I didn't care if my Mother ignored me, I was going to breath in ever second I could of my brother and sister before she again took them away from me.

Paul's Mom was with me at church and was invited to the BBQ as well. She stopped by for an hour or two. While there my Mom put on a fantastic show... as usual. She put her entertaining smile on and began to schmooze like only plastic can do. She even addressed me... of course only to boss me around. It's pathetic... this life with my family.

But I was happy... because I got to see my brother and sister and soak up hugs, stories, smells... love.

I went home and eventually went to bed. Monday morning means work... and it was a day filled with wedding talk, work talk, and tiredness. I felt I needed a much deserved manicure and pedicure but while sitting in the nail salon my grandma called. She got some bad news from the doctor. They want to perform an angiogram and put in a stent. She doesn't want the procedure done. She wants to discuss it with me... likely because she has no one else to talk to with my Mom not talking to her, her eldest son turning his back on her, and her youngest being stubborn and controlling. My sister falls apart and gets upset and angry every time she shares bad news... so it falls on my lap. But my lap is full, my heart is strained, my mind is confused and by supporting so many... I'm left unsupported.

I called Paul hoping to get some support - hoping for some relief, but he only made it worse. He was trying to tell me what to do. He was comparing my situation to that of his parents. He was fighting with me. Instead of just being there. Instead of just being supportive. Instead of just reassuring me that I'm not alone and that he'd help me every step of the way in any way he could. Instead of just saying... it will all be okay. Instead he finished with "Just face the facts! You are the only one! SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!"

Yep, you heard right... that is what he said to me after I pleaded with him to just please be quiet, not try to tell me what to do and instead just support me. And that sent me over the edge. That sent me spiraling down. I cursed at him and hung up the phone. No - not the best course of action. But, it was all I could do. I couldn't control it anymore. I hung up and cried.

Before I even spoke to him... I signed up and got pre-approval from my mental health insurance. I need to go back. I need to talk to someone who will actually listen. It's sad that I need to PAY someone to do this rather than having someone who loves me enough to try and do it on their own. But it's okay. I'm willing to go back. Right now ... it's all too much to bear and I feel myself falling apart and feeling sorry for myself. I can't continue to step in and be strong for everyone if I can no longer be strong for myself.

So far no calls back from any doctors in the area that can help... but I'll keep on trying and hopefully I'll find someone at a convienient location who can help me.

I miss my Papa... and I miss who my Grandma was before he passed away. I miss the life we lead before this all happened. I miss the family that only lives in my memories.

RIP Papa 08.29.08

Please Listen to Me

This is the letter I spoke about earlier. It was taken from our marriage prep book Marriage: Discovery and Encounters

My Beloved,
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell my why I shouldn't feel that way, you are telling me to deny my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you have failed me (strange as that may seem).

Listen. All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me. The giving of advice can never take the place of giving of yourself. I'm not helpless...or hopeless!

When you do something for me that I need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear...and weakness. But when you accept the simple fact that I do feel what I feel (no matter how irrational that may seem), then I quit trying to convince you and can get on with trying to understand what's behind my feelings. And when I do, the answers become obvious. And you know what? Your listening made that possible.

Feelings make sense when we try to understand what's behind them. That's why prayer works - sometimes- for people, because God is still and doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself, staying your "silent partner."

So please listen and just hear me. There are important times in our lives when we just need to be heard... not cured.

In anticipation,
Your future spouse.

copyright © 1998 ACTA Publications

What have you learned recently

that has changed the way you live?

This was the latest question on this site

I learned that my relationship with everyone around me is suffering because none of us (including myself) truly listens. What essentially brought this to my attention was pre-cana. I remember hearing all the things Paul had to say, but not until that day did I realize, often times I rarely listen. It's like that saying my 2nd grade teacher used to have us cut out of stenciled letters on colored construction paper and staple above the blackboard "To listen is to hear but to hear is not to listen" or something close to that.

We went home from pre-cana with a new perspective of each other and continued to do the workbook. Paul came across a letter to a spouse about listening. We both found it to be really thought provoking. I won't get into that now. Maybe I'll publish it soon and share it with you. It's seriously genius.

After all this listening and communication talk I realized that much of the time, when I listen to you, my friends, my family & Paul, I am barely listening. I hear all the words you have to offer, but I don't digest them. I don't let them resonate within my mind. I don't attempt to feel what you are feeling. Instead, I am comparing: comparing experiences I've gone through in an effort to relate, comparing my thoughts with yours, comparing my feelings with yours. Instead, I'm judging: not understanding why you do or feel what you do. Instead, I talk: if not aloud, in my own mind about what I think of what you said and what my response should be.

What I should be doing is listening to you with my whole self. I should be hearing your words with all of me and in doing so, truly listen. I don't need to give advice, I don't need to chime in, I don't need to judge, and I don't need to compare. What I need to do is simply listen and attempt to understand.

I'm sure we all do this, we all do it all the time. We are human and our minds our complex. Our minds jump from thought to though in nano seconds in a way that's far beyond controllable.

source

So how has this knowledge changed my life? I catch myself. I catch myself day dreaming as I pretend to listen to things I'm not nearly interested enough in. I catch myself thinking of what to say when you are speaking. I catch myself wondering random thoughts that have nothing to do with the conversation. I catch myself thinking of the long list of things I still need to do while you are trying to connect with me. I also catch others doing these things to me. I catch myself being heard but not acknowledged. I catch myself being heard but not listened to. I catch myself speaking too much and too often, being long winded and not to the point. I catch myself losing the audience that I hope will understand me. I catch them picking up their phones or blackberries. I catch them looking beyond me at something far more interesting. I catch us all not listening.

So I try to focus. I try to hear and to listen. I try to be heard and to be listened to. I try to talk in a manner that helps my partner and my friends listen to what I have to say rather than just hear it. And I try to listen to them. When my mind begins to wander, I reel it back in and try my best to focus. To focus on their words and those words meanings. I don't try to hear what's behind those words, or the double meanings that could exist, I just simply try and hear them for what they are because that is simply what that person is trying to tell me... no more, no less. And if they are trying to convey more through some other short of complicated game, it is not up to me to decipher. I will try not to do that to others either. I never agreed to play, I never read the directions or knew the rules, therefore, those things will be lost on me. Instead that is their need to learn to communicate, not my inability to listen.

So yes, that has changed my life and I'm hoping that I continue to work on my listening... true listening in the future.


Some tips on effective listening can be found here
as well as other relationship communication guides

Answer ME!

I don't know if this is common of wedding vendors or just wedding vendors in Colorado!

They never pick of their phones and rarely answer voicemails. It takes them weeks to respond to an email and at this point I'm utterly frustrated. It is poor business practice and unprofessional to say the least!

But I wanna go....

Last night on the plane ride home from TX, Paul told me his brother wants to have his birthday party in Miami and wanted him to talk to me about it. I knew why immediately... it wasn't the "Lil, want to spend the last weekend of September in the sunny beachy weather of Miami to celebrate A's 27th birthday?" talk, it was the "Lil, A wants to have a guys weekend in Miami for his birthday. You are okay with me going right?" talk.

Of course I'm okay with him going. Of course I'm also jealous. Being A's sister (in-law [future]) doesn't guarantee the same benefits as being A's brother (in any form). Because he's single. Because his best friends are all getting married (including his brother) in the next year or 2. Because I'm a girl. So I get left out of this trip too.



Paul and A have at least annual brother trips where Paul heads down to TX or A heads up to Chicago or Boston. This year they did a few more. Their dad being ill and our engagement changes perspective. Family becomes more important and old times are becoming faded into the past. Brother time is seldom and greatly cherished and of course there must be a fear that it may not exist in the same way post marriage. I must admit, that I feared something similar with my sister but the opposite was the case. Spending so much time together and trusting so much, you tend to encourage sister/brother/friend time in order to not lose a sense of self.

I hope that they have fun. Yes I'll be jealous holding down the fort here in NYC while Paul goes from Boston to Miami without a stop for a kiss on the forehead for his woman... stuck somewhere in between. But none the less, it's a jealousy I can swallow and say that I''' 100% hope that they have a grand time.

Now if I find out any other friends or relatives are invited + 1's ... then all this happy pushing myself to be excited for them crap will fall through the cracks and right out the window. Then it's personal and not fair. Then those boy's must fear my wrath hahaha.

So to A's big 2-7 in the MIA!

Tejas weekend

Today ends our weekend in Texas. I'm sitting on the bed in the guest room with sleepy tired eyes, waiting for the bathroom to be free so I can brush my teeth.

We got the tour, saw the bodies exhibit, met up with old friends, bonded with new ones and had some nice family time with Paul's brother.

This house is insanely amazing - mansion to us, mini mansion to others? Either way, it's beautiful and very nicely decorated.

So far so good. We had a blast. Today was a lazy day of cooking, BBQ, pool time, movies and soccer.

Tomorrow I begin helping out and working with Andy at his employer to try and get the financial processes running smoothly and up to an accountants standards... at least mine and Andy's collective standards. Hopefully I do a good job and make it happen.

So with that, the weekend comes to a close and my working in Texas begins... at least for 2 days.