Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Weekend Was Tough

This past weekend was really tough. Friday night, Paul and I had a couples massage scheduled for when I got out of work. I was really looking forward to some one on one date night action before he moved back to Boston. Instead he called up all his friends and asked them to come out for drinks. Instead of finding a place and sticking to it, we wandered around the city disappointed in each bar. I was 2 minutes away from hailing a cab and going home. I felt aggravated, frustrated, disappointed and in a sense, not good enough for Friday night company. I know Paul wanted to see his friends, but really?

Well there was still Saturday right? NOT! Friday Paul's Mom emailed me regarding his sister's birthday in PA. Paul so happened to forget to ask me about it. In the end we both thought it was only right that we attend. I love this sister of his. I love all his siblings, particularly the one's in PA. The relationship has been strained from the start (no fault of Paul's) and bridging this gaps are a good start on forming an ever closer bond. Unfortunately, the party lasted all day and we weren't home till past midnight. I had to go grab a Papa's car because Paul was taking mine. In the end, we went to bed and at 5AM Paul was out the door moving to Boston.... on the anniversary of my grandpa's death... only 2 years ago.

So yeah... I was sad all weekend. I was upset in the morning. I was worried how I'd be emotionally. With my mom not talking to my sister and me, my sister in FL and my grandma in VA - I was just ... alone.

I got through the day with little drama but lots of anxiety. I was sad about my grandpa but instead of really - REALLY thinking about him, I ended up thinking about my Mom and my little brother and sister. They were at church and when I went to them to say hello, my mother shunned me. I didn't let it stop me, I grabbed her cheek and kissed it hello. I will be respectful - and then whatever she does... you cannot pin that on me. What hurt me was my brother and sister who so fear my mother's wrath, actually ignored me and turned away from me. They were headed to my Uncle's for a BBQ. I was invited as well... and I went. I didn't care if my Mother ignored me, I was going to breath in ever second I could of my brother and sister before she again took them away from me.

Paul's Mom was with me at church and was invited to the BBQ as well. She stopped by for an hour or two. While there my Mom put on a fantastic show... as usual. She put her entertaining smile on and began to schmooze like only plastic can do. She even addressed me... of course only to boss me around. It's pathetic... this life with my family.

But I was happy... because I got to see my brother and sister and soak up hugs, stories, smells... love.

I went home and eventually went to bed. Monday morning means work... and it was a day filled with wedding talk, work talk, and tiredness. I felt I needed a much deserved manicure and pedicure but while sitting in the nail salon my grandma called. She got some bad news from the doctor. They want to perform an angiogram and put in a stent. She doesn't want the procedure done. She wants to discuss it with me... likely because she has no one else to talk to with my Mom not talking to her, her eldest son turning his back on her, and her youngest being stubborn and controlling. My sister falls apart and gets upset and angry every time she shares bad news... so it falls on my lap. But my lap is full, my heart is strained, my mind is confused and by supporting so many... I'm left unsupported.

I called Paul hoping to get some support - hoping for some relief, but he only made it worse. He was trying to tell me what to do. He was comparing my situation to that of his parents. He was fighting with me. Instead of just being there. Instead of just being supportive. Instead of just reassuring me that I'm not alone and that he'd help me every step of the way in any way he could. Instead of just saying... it will all be okay. Instead he finished with "Just face the facts! You are the only one! SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!"

Yep, you heard right... that is what he said to me after I pleaded with him to just please be quiet, not try to tell me what to do and instead just support me. And that sent me over the edge. That sent me spiraling down. I cursed at him and hung up the phone. No - not the best course of action. But, it was all I could do. I couldn't control it anymore. I hung up and cried.

Before I even spoke to him... I signed up and got pre-approval from my mental health insurance. I need to go back. I need to talk to someone who will actually listen. It's sad that I need to PAY someone to do this rather than having someone who loves me enough to try and do it on their own. But it's okay. I'm willing to go back. Right now ... it's all too much to bear and I feel myself falling apart and feeling sorry for myself. I can't continue to step in and be strong for everyone if I can no longer be strong for myself.

So far no calls back from any doctors in the area that can help... but I'll keep on trying and hopefully I'll find someone at a convienient location who can help me.

I miss my Papa... and I miss who my Grandma was before he passed away. I miss the life we lead before this all happened. I miss the family that only lives in my memories.

RIP Papa 08.29.08

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