I suppose my blog is for me and not for anyone who reads it, but I've left myself guarded at times while writing - editing my thoughts as I type. Knowing friends, family & strangers maybe privy to my innermost thoughts can be unnerving - Yet isn't that it's purpose? I've tried to keep a diary of sorts... or to just jot down my thoughts when I'd think it'd help - usually stopping 1/2 way through, already bored with myself.
Yet this isn't my confession - maybe today I will delve deeper into myself and vent... not about my family, friends, or work - but about myself.
I have been thoughtful lately, about my feelings and the events in my life that trigger each one. I'm easily anxious - as a college student, I was prescribed medicine to counter this - paired with anti-depressants, which the doctor hoped would not just cure my anxiety & bouts of depression, but which would possibly help contain my IBS (related to high stress levels). Who would have thought that a teen could be under so much pressure? I shared this cocktail (paired with my back medicine) with my best friend who in turned shook his head and begged me to stop. He pleaded with me to not taking any medication - particularly the mood altering ones. Eventually I listened. I suppose I still owe him a thank you for that. Can you believe after leaving each other's lives more than 5 years ago, he still floats in my mind as a friend. Strange.
Today I can say that I'm medicine free (maybe a Tylenol or Pamprin once in a while), however, I'm still not free of the anxiety and sudden changes in mood. Small thinks make my heart flutter, my face pale, my breathing shallow, and my mind swirling. The anxiety is much more than emotional or mental but completely physical - almost debilitating. It many times takes all my strength to not scream... and many times I do (poor Paul). The depression, thankfully, occurs less frequent. Many times it takes me thinking of circumstances I cannot help for it to develop. Generally speaking, it is usually concerning family, loss, fights, etc... I think feeling depression due to these things is normal. What isn't normal is how quickly I am reminded of these depressing things... and how quickly a happy moment can be turned murky by my negative thoughts. It's something I am trying to work on - but how do you control those unwanted thoughts and images from escaping your subconscious and materializing in front of your minds eye?
I am maybe unusually cold and averse to showing signs of emotion. My mother thinks its strange that I can only say I love you without feeling unless speaking to a small child. I do not gush over many emotions unless it is the emotions revolving around anger (management... ha). Aside from devastating loss (my grandpa), I remain pretty mechanical. But I have to admit, it is a huge front. Inside I am whirling with 100 million feelings including love and compassion. When I'm alone I think of how much I love people, I cry, I feel with every hair growing out of every follicle. I just don't feel comfortable sharing. Except...
With Paul it's a bit different. I can say I love you - with emotion. I can hug, and cuddle, and smile... I feel like I can open up in front of him. I suppose it allows it to be different for me, yet I can't exactly understand what he does that allows it to be so. But I'd lie if I said I was never disappointed.
Like many women, I can be a hopeless romantic - waiting to be lifted off my feet by my price charming. To be treated like a princess - to be treated like the only living thing in this world that matters. But when you rationally think of these things - you have to be crazy to expect that - you are NOT the only thing that matters... this is not the movies or a novel. This is the real world and being loved unconditionally does not mean you have to be treated like a damsel in distress by a man you could have only dreamed about being good enough to glance at from across the room. That is for movies... especially teen ones! Let's face it... half of them are young, silly, overly emotional - and probably broke up before college! --> it doesnt stop you from envisioning you in her place though does it?
So there are some of my confessions - nothing too revealing, but I little bit more than I've shared before. Saying it - with words - typed up for all to see makes it a little more solid... it makes my heart beat just a little faster, anxious, but I'm glad I'm sharing... maybe in doing so I can more understand myself... and understand why I feel what I feel when I feel it.
Missing Paul makes me more anxious than depressed... he's gone now. When he's here, I get anxious knowing my routine is broken. I need to find a balance... and I will, eventually.
Life is like this I suppose... for us all, some of us maybe can just control it better.