Tuesday, October 6, 2009


We all sacrifice... for our family, friends, lovers, even sometimes strangers. We sacrifice our wants, hopes and dreams. Sometimes we sacrifice time, money, and effort. When you are in a relationship, romantic or platonic, sacrifices are bound to be made... big and small. Maybe you really want to Mexican but he really wants Italian... one of you will have to sacrifice to make the other happy. Maybe next time you will get to choose. The problems really arise when sacrifices seem heavier on one end than the other.

I'm struggling with thoughts lately. I love Paul, but undoubtedly go through moments where I do not like him very much. This morning we spoke and I was thrilled that he was on the phone with me. I missed him a lot. I had had some strange dreams which were filled with my ex and Paul at the same time... I tossed and turned and was confused but the minute I woke up I was content - because I knew what was real and what was only sleepy thoughts.

It was this morning that he told me Andy was going to be here this weekend because he is going camping with his new girl. I don't know how serious they are, but he seems to really like her and from what I've seen, she is a nice girl. Maybe they can make it work... follow in our long distance footsteps... or plane flights. [tangent done] What annoyed me was that I didn't know this. We too are going camping this weekend and when I was asked to join the camping trips, I was under the impression that Andy wasn't going to be here. Therefore I chose not to - I mean that would have been weird, I hardly know the girl. I thought this was all suggested for Anthony's sake who was invited to both camping trips. Paul tells me he told me, but this isn't something I would have forgotten. I was told SHE was going camping not THEY. In any event, I suppose it doesn't matter. I think that the company I am going with is much older and acts much differently and I think we will undoubtedly enjoy are time together more so how it is set up than the way it would have been if we joined the groups. Though only a few years apart... I that that life circumstances leaves me acting a little different than some of our friends & family.

He then continued about how he wants to cancel coming home for his mother's birthday and see if he can come the weekend after instead to celebrate because there is a soccer tournament in California. I don't think I could have been anymore angry. I think soccer is a great hobby... for many years it was my passion, but I wouldn't put it before my family. His mother and I had dinner together last night and with tears she wouldn't allow to escape from her eyes she was telling me how sometimes it hurts her that Paul doesn't do the things for her he used to.

He used to come home and bring her and Daisy (step-mom) flowers. He used to receive cards from her and call her right away to thank her... she'd receive some acknowledgment. Those things have mostly stopped and she thinks it's because those efforts are now expended on me. I told her that she's right... Paul doesn't do those things anymore and not to worry because he doesn't do them to anyone. He no longer buys me flowers, he no longer calls me eager... he fits me into his schedule like an obligatory meeting. Yeah it hurts me, but I will sacrifice my hurt and hope that it will all be worth it. That through this experience he will be a more successful person, feel enriched, feel satisfied and ultimately it will improve our relationship... I hope. She smiled, but I don't know how much she believes me. I told her that he has saved every card she has ever given him. I know that consoled her a bit. But I'm sure him saying he'd much rather fly to California than celebrate her birthday on her birthday weekend with her will only hurt her... it even hurt me. It's a soccer tournament - like seriously?

But it also hurt me for other reasons... He said he was coming home... I've penciled it in. I looked forward to it. It's been a long time since Paul & Andy and I have all been in NY with his family with no other plans than to celebrate. And it would feel like old times... it would be nice to all be together. I was happy that we were celebrating Ana's birthday. She might not be my mother, but she will be and I think we are already strengthening that bond. I care about her and I love her dearly ... even when she tests my patience and even when she seems imposing... I just remind myself that it is her being a mother - or at least I try to. It also upsets me because financially things are tight... not just because he is no longer working and collecting debt like children collect snicker bars on Halloween, but also because I'm paying for our apartment solo... utilities and luxuries - solo. Everything is now on me with no one to share the burden. Is the apartment mine? No - it's ours, but I will keep it ours financially for the time being. This I was prepared to do. What I am not prepared for is our wedding.

We plan to get married sooner rather than later. This might be the wrong decision, but it seems to feel right... when we are NOT talking about it financially. Anyway - why would you want to spend money to go to California for a soccer tournament when we should be saving money for our wedding. I want to go to Breckenridge this winter so that we can select a venue in person instead of over the phone while looking at a picture but he disagrees with the costs... yet he will jump on the opportunity to jump on a 6 hour flight across the country for a soccer tournament? He seems to do research for that but not for us. I don't know what his priorities are but they definitely aren't the same as mine. I spend countless hours trying to do things for US and he spends countless hours doing things for him. I know there will be other business schools there, I know that he will meet people, possibly get business cards and phone numbers - a network if you will... on the west coast. But seriously - doesn't his program offer 100's of opportunities to network... why this expensive one and on his mother's birthday no less.

It makes me wonder about priorities... it makes me wonder where we stand... Me as his future wife and his family ... as well - his family. His friends... I wont even go there.

I don't know... these are the moments I have doubts. Not doubts that I love him, but doubts that we should marry... especially on January 2011... I don't think he's ready for that commitment... I mean it's quite possibly the biggest commitment you'll make in your entire life. Or maybe I'm not ready... I think I need more before I can commit to this. I still don't feel like I'm held high enough on the list to feel like I'm making the right decision.


Kat said...

I don't think he's thinking of the Cali trip as a selfish move. I think he see's it as an opportunity to grab an escape from his new pace (with school and going back and forth from MA to NY), and maybe a bit of the familiar with the soccer aspect. You're right. You do put your relationship first, and I think it's something that A LOT of women just do out of instinct and A LOT of men just take for granted because we do it so often and without a lot of fuss. I think if he understood your fear and frustration of this HUGE undertaking of planning your wedding and the numbers you're trying to crunch, he'll take a step back and rethink his actions. You also need to have a heart to heart about what his mom confided to you. That would break my heart, too, and she's not even going to be my mom! I was tearing up reading that part. I guess I'm just a big softee today.

Anyway, once you're calmer, later, talk to him again. That's all you can really do to get through these little bumps. There are going to be more over the next year or so. You might as well hammer them out as you go!

Lilia said...

I hear what you are saying but he is planning on traveling quite a bit the next two years as is. And it's ass to me that he would go off and plan this out or even consider it and not want to talk to me about it 1st... it's more like... I'm just letting you know what I'm up to. I wouldn't do that to him.

Sometimes I just get the impression that he only things for himself instead of realizing that his decisions affect us both. He thinks like a single man even though he's not and we've argued about this for years. I don't think he'll change ... because it's been long in the making...