Wednesday, October 21, 2009

girls + friends = fail

why girls + friends = fail...

When we envisioned our wedding many months ago, I was already a bit down about the fact that I have very few girlfriends. I mean, I do have friends; it’s just that God had blessed most of them with a phallus. There is just something different about being with a girlfriend though. I’m thankful for my few cousins I can treat as friends and my sister who doubles as all around lean to when I need her. Though we are all super different, we all care about each other and that always shines through.

My sister’s wedding marked a beautiful and amazing beginning for her and Bryan. They will forever remember that day as the day they start their married lives together. That day also marks the end of me and my best girl-friends relationship. Well maybe that’s a lie… it had been deteriorating well before then.

We had never been expected to grow close, we were never the ideal girl duo, we were never even particularly regular in our relationship but one thing led to another and we became friends. It went from brief meetings for drinks, parties and get together to dinners, shopping, drinks, midnight snacks, and sleepovers. We began to see each other more and more relying on each other’s company to fill some void that we ourselves created in our lives. Our only priority was to feel good and that we did. We would drink to excess, indulge in TV, fatty food, and people bashing. We could talk major game… but I doubt we’d have ever backed it up. Our mutual hatred for a former best friend would seal our bond.

About 2 years went by of this unhealthy behavior. Rather than encourage each other to pick ourselves out of our rut, we enabled each other by providing excuses for one another, being each other’s partners in crime. Then it all came to a crashing halt. Paul moved home and I found a new job. Life changed – it was picking up. I was happy. I started seeing this BFF less and less and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t one of the reasons. Granted she had her own daemons clouding her judgment which only made it harder, but I didn’t want a Debbie-downer in my life anymore. At one time, that negativity fueled the release of my own, but now I wanted only the positive and happy in my life. We tried… and it was not effortless.

More time passed me by and I began to feel like we had less and less in common. Things she did irked me. I’d constantly feel like we were building an ultimately unilateral friendship. Our only common ground was our negativity, our rut, our issues, but now that we were both evolving, we didn’t have that to grow on. Like a bacteria, we didn’t have that warm moist place to fester together and grow. We took a trip to try and celebrate a birthday, get away, and reestablish our relationship. I’d told Paul that I needed to do this, that I needed to see what we had going for us and show her that I still cared about her, but while I was there, I continuously noticed little things that just made me feel like I give to much and receive to little from this friendship. Never anything major, but the little things become significant sometimes.

In the end, the straw that broke the camel’s back was my sister’s wedding and the tactless and reasonless way she went about ditching it. An IM was definitely not the medium to let me know she’d no longer be attending my sister’s wedding in 2 weeks because she simply didn’t have a ride. I mentioned the LI Railroad or a cab, but she said she thought it was impossible. Needless to say this selfishness was enough for me to realize that I was wasting my time. She RSVP’d months ago with many opportunities to commission a ride or save money for a cab. She had countless opportunities to put some effort into this instead of making a last minute ½ assed attempt to show up.

My sister was upset and felt disrespected but clearly stated that thought it puts her out, she can just forget it because in the larger scheme of wedding related stress, this isn’t one she’s going to lose sleep over, where as for me, it was really a wake up call. The anger flooded me with no ebb in the flow. This wasn’t just disrespectful to my sister, but it was a blatant disregard for me and my family or the countless times we try to make her feel welcome… invitations to family holidays, to my mother’s home, my grandmother’s home, rides so she wouldn’t have to step a pretty little shoe onto a subway platform alone late at night, food, and for what… this? Oh no, not anymore. The next evening was the last time I have seen or spoken to her… why did I see her?

Because she actually showed up at my sister’s bachelorette party. She didn’t attend the dinner. She only came out for drinks afterwards. She walked into the room, no one expecting her to show her face, and the air literally left the room. I couldn’t even look in her general direction. It was like I was pained to even know I was in the same room with her after fighting to not be angry on my sister’s day. After attempting to talk to her for a small while, trying to make peace and make the best of the moment, she went into the bachelorette party she attended the night before. I couldn’t help but think that she had prioritized that party over my sister’s, but I didn’t care. At this point my only though was, why are you here? Why are you talking to me? Why are you drinking our drinks? Why are you ruining our good moods? And how can you do this all in a span of 2 days?

She finally decided it was time to go home and handed me some money… I told her it was too much and gave her some back. She did drink our alcohol, but I wouldn’t say enough for the money she had given me and then it struck me… why not stay home that night… keep the money she offered for a few glasses of cheap vodka and put it to a TAXI to get to my sister’s wedding… even if only from the railroad to the event. Oh wait, that would require putting thought and effort into it… God Forbid!

So that’s where I end up… I never really had any girlfriends to begin with and now the one who I thought was, I realize, now isn’t. I still thank my lucky stars I have my sister and cousins.

This is the 1st time I’m writing about this despite that it all began in August. I think part of me needed to push it to the side and ignore it for the sake of my sanity, but then it started to seep back in along with the anger I feel towards her.

In the end I know I’m doing the right thing by walking away and filling myself with positive energy and positive people. But sometimes I wonder what is going on in her head. I wonder if she’s happy with herself. I wonder if she feels lonely. I wonder if she is replacing me with her usual suspects of people who think she’s a good time and find her sarcasm and negativity entertaining, but would throw her under a bus before putting her 1st. Then I have to remind myself it’s not my business or my responsibility and to just move forward.

No comments: