Paul and I have been talking weddings and marriage A LOT! Almost to the point that we don't want to talk about it at all and run away and just do it. But sometimes words mean a lot... and I don't even think he realizes it.
Last weekend... in the rain... kissing goodbye... sad tears escaping my wide open lids I asked if we were making the right decision to marry in January 2011. After all, he'd have to go back to Boston for another 5 months... of which I'd be sitting in NY waiting for his return. He looked at my face and said, I know that it will be hard to be apart, but I want to do this. I want to do it sooner than later. I don't want to wait too much longer.
I don't think he realizes how much it means to me... to hear him say that this is something he longs for. That he wants to be my husband. That he wants this next chapter of our lives to start as soon as possible. That he wants me... and he wants me for always.
This past Friday we had a late night conversation... I was going on about how I was nervous about planning a wedding. It is a lot of money, a lot of responsibility, and a lot of b.s. We were talking about everything from what we'd just seen on TV, to camping, to his weekend plans. At some point he stopped me and said, it never ceases to amaze me that we are together. We had the world against us and for some reason in the winter of 2005 so many stars decided to align to bring us back together. It's like a miracle really.
In 1998 when Paul and I met... 16 and 17 years old, we decided to date. But I'll admit, it wasn't exactly picture perfect. I was wild, adventurous and obnoxious. He was quiet, reserved, and naive. After two weeks are differences were obvious and I walked away easily... but not before hurting him. I can't imagine what I may have made him feel, but I'm sure it came along the lines of feeling not good enough. I regret that... but I don't regret walking away. If we stuck it out, this would never be a reality now.
After 7 years you'd think that all hope was lost for the quiet studious boy and the wild free spirited girl- but sometimes things are just meant to be. Andy (his younger brother) for no known reason decided to sign on to an ancient AIM account from H.S. ... most likely to eliminate that old account. At that very moment, I decided to check my buddy list - having been working late every day and needing a distraction. Through that brief conversation we set up a dinner date and hung out. Because of this, we re connected... Andy - not Paul. Only a few weeks later when I asked Andy how Paul was doing did he tell me to contact him in Georgia where he was getting his Masters. I was told to call him, but really, how WEIRD would that be. So I opted for AIM. I got his account and wrote him.
It wasn't long till he was rushing home to turn on his computer so we could write to each other for hours. We talked about how we were, what we were doing, what life had brought to our laps. He sounded jovial and fun. He had broken out of his shell... at least through this new means of communication. It wasn't till he picked up the phone to call me that I heard his voice again. It started then... weeks of talking late into the night, sacrificing much needed sleep to calm my fluttering heart. This is when shameless flirting ensued. And then only a few weeks later I was opening the door to his smiling face as he walked through the foyer and pulled me into his arms for one of the most satisfying hugs I've had in my life.
The rest is history... so yeah... I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him... and I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible.
I also know... this is nothing short of a miracle... fate... destiny... dumb luck... who knows... what I do know is that its special. And I won't stop appreciating that it is.
I love you, Paul... and you will forever be my miracle.
*** I know I'll be getting an email shortly telling me I'm a corny mush ball loser, but don't say you didn't smile when you read this.