If you could...

Today on Thought Questions they ask: "If you could change one thing from your past.... would you?"


I know many people say they have no regrets and that their past is what made them who they are today. I'll be honest to you and myself... I have regrets. Lot's of them. If I could live my life again, I know I'd do some things differently. I know that if I did these things differently, that I may not be living where I'm living, marrying who I'm marrying, or working where I'm working. I know that my relationships with friends and family would be completely different and possibly non-existent. But I know that if I could go back in time and live my 28 years for a 2nd round, it won't be the same as the 1st and those changes may trickle into bigger changes in my future.

Just like with Marty and Back to the Future... changing the past can COMPLETELY alter the future. And despite that... I think there are still things I'd do differently. And hopefully the good things that have come to me, would still be there - maybe just in a different way.

What don't you care about

I just skimmed through a fellow bride's blog. She basically was saying she isn't a shoe person and didn't care to spend a lot of money on a pair of shoes just for her wedding. She ended up buying a pair she'd liked after getting her tax refund but with little thought behind it.

She ends her blog asking, "When it comes to your wedding, what’s the thing that you just don’t really care about that most people seem to care about a lot?"

So it didn't take long for me to decide what that is... The Colors.

Many brides spend days, months, and even years dreaming up their color scheme to go into their wedding theme. I won't deny it, I searched the web for color inspiration. I sent Paul many a color inspiration boards found on other blogs. I checked out dresses of many different colors. But in the end, I didn't really care what colors we chose. We ended up with almost all ivory everything, because ivory matches everything. My sister's are wearing navy and because of that we incorporated navy into our stationary. But otherwise, there are no color schemes. We just want everyone to be cozy and have fun.

end. of. story.

This Summer

Hasn't been anything like I had expected. Paul had an internship in Chicago which meant the summer here in NY alone. My family is still a hot mess. My funds are pretty much at zero due to the wedding. My outdoor activities were kept to a minimum. My car was acting up. My lease was being ridiculous to renew. NY had numerous heat waves. BP destroyed the gulf with oil. My motivation has been it at all time low.

I was hoping for weekends at the beach. Long weekends kayaking and camping. Picnics. A healthier appetite. Friends.

I expected different.

I'm doing some of it... just not as often or in the way I expected.

Oh well - I can't wait till the summer is over. I generally hate the summer. Those above activities are a nice distraction to get me through it. Please bring back reasonable temperatures!

Lay 'Em Down

Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you're lost and lonely
You're Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

All you sinners
And the weak at heart
All you helpless
On the boulevards
Wherever you are now
Whatever evil you've found
Bring all of your troubles
And come lay 'em down

We're all tied to the same old failing
Finding shelter in things we know
We're all dirty like corrupted small towns
We'll bring our troubles
We'll bring our troubles
Lay 'em down

All you rich men
And the high above
All of those with and without love
All you burdened broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay 'em down

Come lay 'em down [x4]

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your burden [Come lay 'em down]
And just lay 'em down [Come lay 'em down]

Come all you broken [Come lay 'em down]
Come all you helpless [Come lay 'em down]
Bring all your troubles [Come lay 'em down]
Just lay 'em down

Come lay 'em down [x3]

What do you do...

When your mother's jealousy reaches new heights.

My mom... well she wasn't around a lot but we are close. We are friends. She is the mother of my siblings which are the most important people in my life. But her jealousy over her mother who raised me... is unyielding.

She has reached an all time low this weekend when she declared that she is disowning me and my sister (of her 1st marriage). Why, you might wonder, would a mother disown her children for the 6th or 7th time in their lifetime when they are already at an age of independence?... 27 and 28 to be exact. Because she is jealous. She clearly states that we've chosen our mother... in our grandmother who raised us. Therefore she two is going to make a choice. A choice of my little brother and sister (from her 3rd marriage) over us. Because we teach them the wrong things. We teach them to have loyalty for someone other than their mother.

Yes, my friends. These are the words of a lunatic. She then went on to say that we are selfish (what a joke). You've never met two more selfless individuals than in my sister and I when it comes to family. And that she won't be attending my wedding and regrets having set foot in my sister's. Mothers... they don't do that. So clearly her disowning us... again... is just another demented thing she's done. What really turns the knife in my chest is that she is using my brother and sister, yet again, to hurt us. My brother and sister are my world! I cannot picture getting married without their little souls by my side.

My mom said many other harsh words this weekend... but all I want to know is if I can have my family, my real family, by my side. Because without L,A & K - my wedding would be far less meaningful.

Lets see how long she lasts standing her ground... she always needs something eventually - money, a babysitter, etc... and when that time comes she will somehow twist the events to feel like you were wrong and she is gracious enough to forgive you. Have any of you ever read "One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest"? If you haven't, you should. My Mother is Nurse Ratched ... not Mommy Dearest. I'm surprised she hasn't called for my lobotomy yet.

I thank God for providing me with such wonderful grandparents, amazing siblings, and a strong will. I think God for providing for me the most basic needs any human being needs. And I think God for helping me get through any rough patches along the way. But I ask God to please help my brother and sister see through the darkness my Mother puts in front of them and see through the walls she's trying to build to continually look to my sister and I as truly loving sisters. Their family. Their friends. And two people who would simply do anything for them.

It's not very often

That you hear a girl born and raised in the best city in the world (NYC & you know it's true) say all she wants is to go country.

I have some NYC friends who have always said I was a country girl trapped in a city life.

I can't agree - I'm more like a city girl with a country flare. I true country gal would say I was a stiletto heel wearing city girl and a city girl would call me ... well confused.

But lets face it... small town country has charm. It truly does. I can't quite explain it but ... let me tell you what I want.

barefoot. fields. grass. wildflowers. mountains. country music. boots. cowboy hats. animals. bbq. beer. family. love. sun. snow. open space. clean air.

And much much more. Unfortunately but completely fortunately, I'm marrying a man who is definitely a city boy. And I'm okay with that... because I also know we are the most compromising couple ever!

I truly hope that we will be able to move out west and find a wonderful home in a suburban area (rural to us NYers) but that's a reasonable commute to the city (most likely not the best city, but city non-the-less).

Camping with the sister & cousins

Was a success despite the rain and despite the indecision. I've learned a few things during the trip though - my family is very indecisive. I have no patience for indecisiveness. I get cranky when overheating. I can cheer up pretty quickly. Very few people in my family are leaders and instead like to just chill out and follow along.

Because of these things, I tend to have to plan camping trips months and months in advance. It's generally because people like to answer invitations with responses like "Whenever, I'm free" or "Whatever you all want to do" - when you get all responses back like that - you are at a loss and don't know how to move forward. Especially when you are the one doing all the leg work. So because of that we didn't get a water front site but the site was non-the-less amazing considering how crowded the campground was. We also ended up going rafting because the only person who told me a preference was Christina so since she had an opinion, it's what we went with.

Lucky enough, despite my pleading to make a decision on what to do on Saturday... a 90+ degree day - no one made a decision. So after I completely went into cranky mode, we took a ride down to the adventure center and just made it to be one of the last trips to do tubing down the river. It definitely wasn't exhilarating, but it was cooling - especially on that very hot day.

Rafting was a wash... literally. We basically got rained out less than a mile into the trip. But we still had fun... at least everyone except Bryan who insisted we bail out as soon as we saw a place to do so, which we did. And of course it stopped raining shortly after we got back to camp and found all of our towels soaked.

Monday was promising - gorgeous sunny weather with no humidity. Of course this was the weather we had to go home in... of all days! Anyway it was still fun and hopefully in September we'll have another trip to look forward to. On that Paul can go to.

I have to admit, Paul has the ideal camping personality. He gets everyone motivated. He is quick to make decisions. And when people seem lost or down, he is quick to be the goof ball and get them back up again. Too bad I don't have this personality.

Maybe one day ... I'll be invited to someone elses camping trip and can just follow along. Or maybe my control freak personality won't consider that fun.

In any event, another camping trip under our belts was a success and despite all the rain, we survived it all smiling.