Monday, May 4, 2009
I've read a few blogs and spoken to a few friends about spring cleaning... of the home, mind, body, and soul.
Spring cleaning began Saturday morning. After dragging ourselves out of bed, we began the tedious clothing swap, where our winter goes into bins and our summer goes into drawers. Then much needed dusting and window cleaning commenced. It was a disaster with the pollen the last few days. My sills and glass tables were covered in a green powdery allergen that streaked when hit with an all natural window cleaning product.
It was then time to clean the body... a shower was very necessary.
So physical spring cleaning is the easy spring cleaning. It's the less tangible cleaning that becomes a challenge.
I've said it time and again, things are different. I'm different, my needs are different, my personality is different, and maybe I need things around me to be different. Maybe I need the people, the attitudes, the lifestyles, my life to be different. I need it to be more inline with who I am today, not who I was yesterday. Maybe I grew up or maybe I regressed... but its not the same. No one is to blame for this change... I like this change! I just feel like I can't relate to my past the way I once did. Old friends don't seem to make me feel comfortable, like I once did. I avoid them the way I avoid a food I don't like on a plate. My old habits don't make me feel happy, instead they make me feel sick and lonely. My old cloths, they are too big. My old house, it's too small. My old life... it's not me.
It makes me sad and depressed. I don't want to disappointed people, I don't want to let them down... but I constantly feel disappointed. Do you put these people & habits in a give away pile, just like while spring cleaning? Do you turn your back and walk away? Or do you try and salvage what you think might already be lost.
My Mom says, I grew up... and they just didn't yet. Maybe it's true... I've been hearing her say that to me since H.S. and lets face it... those friends from H.S. are no longer my friends. That's a good thing.
I'm lost and don't know what to do. It seems so simple but emotions make it so complicated. I don't even what to do this camping trip anymore for my birthday. I already feel it being a disaster. I don't want to spend my birthday stressed, annoyed, disappointed or aloof. Paul said to sleep on it for a few nights... but its sleep that is fitful because worry about this crap too much.