Friday, August 14, 2009

Perplexed and Contemplative

I've had a lot on my mind lately and most has been depressing me or overwhelming me in one way or another. I've been trying so hard to keep a smile on my face and keep my spirits up, but it's been hard.

Lauren's wedding is not just stressful for her but stressful for me. Her bridal shower is proving to be completely over dramatic, over budget, and overwhelming. The worst part is, instead of being appreciative, she's annoyed that she is even having one. She is undeserving of one... I think I'm throwing her one for the wrong reasons: because I think I should.

Her bachelorette party is just as much a head ache. I dont know when we have time to do it, so at this point I've decided that I'm not going to worry about it. If the bridal party wants to get their ass in gear and organize it then fine, but I want nothing more to do with this crap. Lauren doesn't even seem to care if she has one... at least thats what she says... I'm sure that if she doesn't have one she'll act like a woman scorned. Such is the life of a bridzilla's maid of honor and a daughter of a screwed up family.

Paul's leaving... on Wednesday he's packing up and moving to Cambridge. That just sucks. I'm hoping I'll adjust well... back into our long distance curse. It seems we are long distance much of the time... I've been trying to be in a good mood... to ensure the last few days we spend together are happy... but I'm not happy... I'm not happy at all.

My grandma doesn't seem happy - when she doesn't it just makes it hard for me. She isn't who she once was. She's bitter now... angry at the world. She tries to be who she once was but it's just a mirage... her new angry complaining self always resurfaces. I know she misses Papa, I know she misses her children... they've done her dirty... No one approves of it... but no one can stop them... and what else can you do but attempt to fill the void.

My mother... it's like love hate... I don't know if she actually loves me or loves using me. It's like I've longed for a mother for so long, I'll settle for however it comes. I put myself on the floor to allow her to walk all over be with cleats on. But there are times when she is the only one who can comfort me... the only one who can put me back in my place. There are also other times where 1 sentence uttered by her is the only thing that can put me into a complete anxiety filled depression for a week.

Kyle and Amanda... they are growing up... but they are the light at the end of my tunnel. I love them with ALL of myself. But I'm scared... that they have a crappy dad and a slightly off mom... that they wont always be as precious as they are.

The CPA exam... shh don't tell anyone. I take classes on Monday... Day 1. I'm not happy about it, but my office is pushing for me... helping me pay for it... and treating me really well. I just need to buck up and get it done. Hopefully I can. Everyone knows how many times I've told this story. I've managed to keep it from my family ... I may have mentioned it to my Mom, but lets be honest, she doesn't really give a crap. Her idea of me studying is going to her house with my books ... playing with the kids and helping her out... then staying up all night reading... exhausted... retaining nothing. My grandma puts the pressure on hard... so I just never told her I was getting back in the ring. But the #1 pushers who make me want to cry... Paul's parents... even his aunt has been asking if I'm licensed yet. Why the pressure? Because thats the way our families encourage! Well despite that being the way of the old world back in Argentine, PR & the Philippines... I will NOT raise my kids like that. They will want to do well and want to succeed... on their own... similar to how I turned a new leaf in college... the pressure... it was on... but only because I placed it on myself... never anyone else... that only drove me to rebel.

My body! Oh how my body perplexes me... I was once a tight young fit tall healthy girl... now I'm lumpy, fat, and unhealthy! Ugh how time has changed me... thank goodness gravity has yet to take hold. I thought I'd lose weight this summer ... but NO, I gained 7lbs! What's up with that? This homegirl has GOT to get into the gym! On the plus I've gotten a lot of color this summer... healthy color... no tanning or laying out but lots of outdoor activities... swimming... and don't worry, I put on sun screen... SPF 50 too! At 4PM today I have an appointment to go have a tour of Bally's on my corner... if it's not ghetto I am going to join... there is a sale and no yearly contract.

I desperately need a bathing suit! I'm determined to get one today... so I can have a nice un-ripped flattering bathing suit to rock at the beach this weekend. My body might not be so hot right now, but I am still confident enough to rock a full coverage bikini (i.e. my tetas and ass stay INSIDE the suit).

Eh ... so I guess if those are my problems... I'm one lucky chica! Unfortunately... I'm sad and that I need to snap out of... no one can do that but me!

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