Friday, April 17, 2009

Longest Most Random Ever

I don’t know how to explain this or if I should even try. I came home on Tuesday feeling a new sense of self. I realized that I really want to move out of NY, probably somewhere in Colorado (Steamboat Springs would be great) or anywhere that promotes healthy living, loving, and snowboarding.

I was excited to get home and explain to Paul that it’s not just something I’ve been thinking about for years but something I’m willing to take action to actually do. I also wanted to tell him all my thoughts surrounding locally grown foods and organic produce. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go to extremes only purchasing produce from farmers markets – though I would if I could, but I’m also being realistic… there are some dishes and ingredients that aren’t locally grown and aren’t locally produced and I’m not willing to give them up just yet (yeast, cheese, mangos, etc…). I can try to reduce my consumption of imported foods though… by buying what I can locally and foregoing foods not in season. I can also try and buy local dairy such as eggs, yogurt and when possible, cheese! He seemed confused and not ready to take this plunge but after a few days of convincing, he is well aware of the benefits to the earth and our bodies… and is now getting on board.

I’d one day like to be a mother … and when that day comes I’d love to raise healthy children… I’d like them to learn that fruit comes from the earth, not from plastic containers and I want them to know that apples come with SKIN (a pre-teen didn’t know this – true story). I want to keep harmful chemicals whether that is hormones or pesticides OUT of their small fragile bodies and if I have daughters … I’d like to ward off puberty as long as possible instead of inducing it at an early age due to ingested hormones. Not to mention its links to breast cancer and other cancers… and the more tested negatives, its run off from animal waste ending up in our water supplies increasing both testosterone and progesterone in human drinking water which have been linked to female fish becoming more masculine and male fish being more feminine than normal. Is this what people want their children ingesting?

However, purchasing organic and local can still be very expensive, so you must pick your battles. There are however, certain items that are considered to have extremely high levels of chemicals and therefore should either only be purchased organically or not at all. For your benefit I will list them: EWG’s List . Also beware of oats, rice and milk!

Also – see The Dirty Dozen and The Clean Fifteen

Anyway – that was a tangent – there are certain things I feel so strongly about that I just can go on and on and on trying to inform you to what I’ve learned and what I feel is something everyone should know and act on.

So anyway I told Paul I am a different girl than I was 4 ½ years ago… and before I could go on, he said “yeah you are”… he went on to tell me a number of things that I felt hurt me… they were: I’m boring, I don’t like to do anything anymore, I’m old, I sit in our living room completely content and more or less I’m a bore.If I was on the couch like this when he got home, I'm sure I'd get less complaints

This was particularly upsetting considering I was hoping to come home and express how much I love him and how excited I was for all the tomorrows of our future. At that I got up and went into the kitchen to continue to cook us dinner. (A little thing he sometimes forgets I put a lot of thought and energy into every night).

[I had to leave to meet Paul’s family – thus I am picking this up today]

None the less – this is how thinking anything romance usually happens in my life… I get kicked in the ass!

After a quiet night at home where I heard the reasons I shouldn’t sit on the couch… and relax, but instead should play scrabble, I decided it was time for bed. No sense listening to someone criticize me for sitting down and hoping to catch a show before I head to bed at a decent hour which apparently is too early.

The next day on my way home from work, I gave him a call asking what we should do for dinner. After that disappointing night, I’d completely forgotten to defrost something. He suggested we go out and take a walk … it was nice out. I decided on a restaurant and we were on our way. The food was good, the restaurant was quaint, I talked his ear off and he for the most part listened. It seemed all was forgotten … until Thursday (that would have been yesterday)

Paul was home sick after he received 2 vaccinations that hit him hard. During an IM conversation he reminded me that he has designated next Saturday date night. He then asked if I’d be willing to see an 8PM broadway show. Well of course I would! I love to see shows but Paul isn’t really into them. He is initiating this… he must really be trying to make up for something. So basically it’s a surprise… I don’t know what we are going to see, where we are going for dinner, or what we will be doing. All I know is that in the afternoon we are attending his nephews birthday, followed by dinner and a show in NYC. The next day I need to head upstate bright and early for the AHA walk (please donate)

Paul had a friend named Matt… I used to really like him. He was a cool guy but then he began to change and act like a mini Tyler like the rest of my old “friends” and it was soon easier to not hang out with all these people all together. He recently added me to his google chat… but never actually chatted with me. I was clicking on Paul’s name when I noticed his away message (his name stands right above Paul’s) … and it said something about weddings. I asked Paul if he was getting married and I suppose he asked him… and the answer is yes.

I don’t know his fiancé. They began dating after the demise of our friendship, but I am happy for him. I know for a while he was working within the depths of a very complex love triangle and some stability is always a great cure for that. I don’t care either way for this person or his future but I don’t wish him harm… I actually wish him well. I just don’t need to be involved in any party of it… you all know have someone like this in your lives as well.

Anyway – it put me in an unbelievably foul mood. I was still giddy about my semi-surprise date night, but then got instantly sad. I’ve been dating Paul years before this couple even knew each other existed… and this seems to bet he case with many of our married or engaged friends. I’ve been sitting around (sometimes) patiently waiting for Paul to be ready to commit the rest of his life to me. He knows that I am more than willing to take that leap. I’m more than ready to commit the rest of my life to him as my husband and to the family we will [God willing] create. It’s something I want more than anything… and I suppose me saying that does in fact prove Paul calling me old… but what’s so old about getting married and starting the next chapter of your life. Should I be one of those 30 year olds trolling the bars drunk on beer and whiskey dancing to Van Morrison with a bunch of early college grads? I’m only acting my age.

Anyway… that is where this horrendously long unreadable blog is going… that I’m a schmuck because I feel this way. And I hate that I do.

Did I mention how I didn't want an engagement ring or a traditional wedding - yet he said no. Now whose the girl in the relationship? ;)

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