Wednesday, April 29, 2009

On Edge - a Healthy Vent

I've been VERY on edge lately... it seems I have hit a complete 180 from last week. Last week I was on my own blissful cloud floating in a sea of happiness... this week I'm in a very dark place.

I want to be around no one... I want to speak to no one... I want to be involved with nothing... and I've decided that some of my friends are friends out of love but not out of like.

I'm tired of it all... and sometimes I want to just walk away from it all... why put on the show? I know I'm just being cynical, but maybe I'm not.

I try and think what it might be like once Paul is gone off to Boston... will I be lonely? Will I be cranky? Will I hang out with my friends 24/7 to keep my mind off of it? Will I stay home, eat dinner, watch some TV, go to bed early? Who knows what I will do till I'm there, but I suspect the last of the options will end up true. I don't see myself jumping into the long distance ways of my past.

Last LD which lasted 2 1/2 years I found myself doing 1 of 2 things almost EVERY day. I would either meet Tyler & Co. and go grab wings and beer at Croxley's (a Mon/Wed event) or go see a movie... and come Friday-Sunday... it was spent going from bar, to bar, to bar, to drunken softball, to chilis. It was like my liver couldn't get a break. If I wasn't doing one of the above, I was with Lori, having dinner in the city going for 12 hour long happy hours or having her over and having dinner, drinking, and eating again. I think it's safe to say I was FAT, UNHEALTHY, and probably VERY depressed in order to live that life - a drunken sleepless overworked fog.

You would have been disgusted to see my apartment... I would draw the line at bugs... thank the lord! Well maybe not, I think that if dust mites could be seen with the naked eye, I'd have a whole colony. My apartment was DUSTY DUSTY DUSTY and had cloths (enough to cloth most of Afghanistan in the winter months) were strewn about in EVERY room of the 3 bedroom apartment. It was a DISASTER!

Thank GOD, no really... not saying it in vein, really I thank GOD that change happened and my life was able to change. Between Paul coming home, moving into a smaller and therefore more manageable space, and changing my job to a 9-5 and still well paying has helped me to change my ways. I cook 80% of our dinners (because I'm home on time), I find time to exercise... its my will which is weak, I can do things, though most of the time I chose not to. I almost completely gave up drinking... save for maybe the 2 times a month I decide to indulge and most of those times is just splitting a bottle of wine with Paul over dinner. It's definitely a healthier and happier life... so why has this weak left me so bitter? Maybe the dreadful monthly visitor is on its way. This wouldn't surprise me.

So back to my dark place... its a bad week to not want to be around friends ... I just got engaged... it seems this is a time to be very social. AND we are hosting fight night on Saturday... which means my house will be filled to limits that are unsafe per the fire warden of Queens County (yes I made that up). I'll just need to take deep breaths.

It seems I'm very different from who I once was and it seems like some of my friends are unable to accept this. I'm different on many levels and my standards (wrong word but I can't think of the right one) are different now. I don't want to drink for the sake of drinking, I don't want to smoke, though I sometimes give in, I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be negative, and I don't want to project a poor self image. I want to be positive, I want to be light, I want to be happy... I want to be the way I used to be... before the dark 4 years of my early 20's. I want to be that happy person again... excited for the sun to shine and the rain to fall... happy to breath in the air.

Most know I've been trying to be "greener" ... and I'm going to continue to do so... I don't need comments from people, and I don't need anyone to do this with me. I don't need support from people, I will just do my part... and hopefully people can do theirs. I have my way of doing things, and THAT IS OKAY because it's okay if YOU HAVE YOURS... so don't judge mine! I'm sick of people and their opinions because really... they don't matter... I'm sick of having to answer to people... its MY life! I'm sick of having my schedule on display... I'm not 12. I'm sick of needing to display everything... I WANT PRIVACY! If I'm busy... it means I'm unavailable... it doesnt mean I need to tell you why I'm busy. If I want to make dinner tonight... you don't need to know what I'm cooking. If I go shopping, you don't need to know what I'm buying. People need to worry about their own lives... because frankly, they are not all that put together... so don't we all need to worry about our OWN LIVES?

Ugh anyway - my venting can end here... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

1 comment:

dawnoftheday said...