Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Thin Walls

As many of you know... my apartment is prewar... its big, its spacious, its freaking GREAT! I don't even notice the speed bump any more.

But these thin walls/ceilings are killing me!
Time Table: 1st week living in apartment -
While unpacking some of my things in the bedroom, my ears were flooded with strange sounds... I was unsure if it was a manslaughter in the act, a teenage wrestling match in the livingroom, or the most violent sex I've ever heard. I heard banging and the strangest groaning I've ever heard... it sounded like someone dying of dysentery after attempting the Oregon Trail coupled with a goat at the slaughter. I quickly called Paul in so he can witness this horrendous noise. We looked at each other and came to the conclusion it was sex... loud obnoxious sex. Just then I heard the groaning ever louder and turned to Paul... our upstairs neighbor is gay.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care if you swing left, right, or both ways... but any sex, gay, strait, or otherwise shouldn't be so obnoxious that I think you're doing it in my room! Have some respect for your fellow neighbors... this is an apartment after all. Do they just not realize because they are on the top floor?

Repeatedly throughout the year -
You would laugh and possibly cry at the sounds coming down from above. It can start as early as 9AM and go through the night... at which point I immediately start throwing things at my ceiling. Our S&M sexer upstairs is into the worst most horrible music which he demands to blast in his bedroom... to which I can only imagine he dances to in front of the mirror while trying on his cloths. I've been laying down... headache... listening to Hadaway, La Bouche, Ace of Base, Madonna, Prince, B-52s, Paula Abdul, etc... I was home sick on Saturday and was literally brought to tears by the horror that was ringing in my ears! He was playing it SO LOUD I was convinced Paul had it playing in the livingroom. No amount of banging convinced him to turn it down... so we turned on our subwoofer and started blasting music like Metallica, Pearl Jam, Korn, etc... We played that game... I turn mine up, then you turn yours up, then I turn mine up... well guess what... WE WIN! Our surround sound mixed with obnoxious rock was no match for his boom box blasting Debbie Gibson's house remix.

On the Train -
On the F train heading home, I noticed a guy ... maybe 5 feet tall. He caught my eye not because of his exceptionally short stature but because of his outfit. His jeans were tight... yet he wasn't a hipster. His shirt was fitted and trendy... his fake leather jacket stopped at the waste... but what really caught my attention was his silver metallic hightops coupled with his LARGE neon sunglasses and cap. It was definitely a trend I haven't witnessed outside of the LES. Interesting...
I got off the train at my usual stop... and low and behold, so did the little spaceman. I began to walk up my block and he was right behind me. I then went into my courtyard and started to unlock the door... and you guessed it... behind me. He followed me up the stairs but when I stopped, key in hand, ready to either bash his face in or unlock my door.... he kept going... thats right, to the apartment right above me. He is the S&M, 90's pop remix listening, metallic shoe wearing neighbor!

Last Night -
I got a text from Paul... he wanted to meet some friends to go to Croxley's for wings at 10PM.... you know, passed my bed time. After he left I meandered through some channels, finding nothing, strolled into bed and was assaulted by the sound of springs. A sound springs can only make under the pressure of constant hard gyration. The sound of springs under two thrusting bodies unable to coil and uncoil at it's intended force. I tried to ignore it... I tried to close my eyes and will myself to sleep but I couldn't. It sounded like the springs were creaking right next to my ear... loud, clear, freakishly close. I then began to hear a ruckus, it sounded like things were dropping, people were walking, and I hoped it was over. But 5 minutes later the creaking springs began again... louder than before. I began to bang forcefully on the wall and threw shoes at the ceiling They seemed to notice and slowed their pace making the staccato creak more quiet. Clearly they were not accustomed to slow deep sex and thus proceeded to throw each other to the floor in order to continue their romp they call sex. (You may wonder how I can give you a play by play of this S&M love session... well I could hear them as if they were in my own home!). I believe the floor may have been too rough or too dirty for them, because they returned to the bed with a bang and continued their creaking.
I was about to either bang, hit, scream, or call the police when I thought I heard something in my own apartment. They were literally shaking the bed so hard, insulation between our floors was shifting, leaking, or cracking above my head. I pictured their bed covered in messy moist sheets entwined with two naked sweaty bodies falling on top of me... what would the obituary say? Headline: "Gay S&M Sex Cause Bed to Fall, Kills Annoyed Woman"
I considered writing a post it note and leaving it on his door "Please buy a new mattress... and test it to make sure its QUIET!" I considered knocking... but was afraid they may open the door sweaty and dirty and angry. I considered calling the police, but what do I say? I considered moving in September but then remembered that this is only the 3rd time in 7 months this has happened (but this by far was the loudest).
Just when I thought I was at my wits end and would need to take a couple of shots of strong Whiskey to fall asleep I heard wailing and grunting like I've never heard before... the bed rocked with such force, I thought for sure, it must be broken.... and then there was nothing.
Just kidding, at that they both JUMPED out of bed and ran around like 5 year olds on Christmas morning. WTF is wrong with these people?!?!?!

Am I okay with homosexual intercourse = yes
Am I okay with heterosexual intercourse = yes
Am I okay with hearing homosexual intercourse = no
Am I okay with hearing heterosexual intercourse = no

Really - I don't want to know what your sexlife is like, I don't want you to tell me, show me, or force me to listen to it... it's disgusting. BUY A NEW BED, FUCKER!


dawnoftheday said...

i am cacklin out loud at my desk!!!! i am coming over, and we can simulate loud lesbian sex...and then have a pseudo lesbo fight wehre I argue that you stole one of my sleeveless plaid shirts (ps i can make fun of gays and lesbians bc they are the people that surround me in my life, lol) i think thst would be a perfect night for us!

Lilia said...

I'll have you know that he doesnt do this every night... which is good btu sucks as far as entertainment value is concerned. I told Paul this morning that I hope he hired a hooker because if he found a new boyfriend, I wouldn't sleep till they broke up!

Yes I agree - we'd have a blast and it would be hilarious!

And I must attest that all gays that we associate with... dress WAY better than this garden gnome