Thursday, May 20, 2010

Paul's Home

He is home for 3 days... no more... no less. It sucks.

But he's home.

We met up after my softball game last night... got showered up and took a nice 1+ mile walk to a brick oven pizza spot where we shared a Farmers Market pie and a salad with green apple and blue cheese mmmmmm. Then we took the over a mile walk home... which was not as fun on a full stomach and heavy head.

While walking up and down the ritzy street on the other side of the tracks, we talked. While munching on some delicious eats, we talked. We caught up... and we talked. He said, I already picture myself written about in your blog tomorrow... he was right, but maybe not in how he might think.

We talked about our future, what type of life we want to live, how big our house will be, how he will subject me to a detached garage with no heat for sewing, about our priorities, about him taking more solo vacations (to which I was a bit sad), to our sacrifices, to how much this long distance thing sucks, to how he texted me 'bitch' earlier that day (not a happy moment), to my stellar softball skills, to my sister, my cousin, our friends... we covered a lot. It had been a while.

While talking... we discovered things about each other. We are changing. I notice it, I'm sure he does too. Every day that Paul spends learning something new, meeting new people, living that grad student life, he changes... he's not the same Paul I lived with for 2 years just like that Paul wasn't the same Paul from Michigan. He changed. Good & bad, he's changed.

I've changed too. Some might think that being apart is hard because you realize how much you will be lost without each other. I beg to differ. What's really hard is how much I love being alone. My own home, my own space, my own time, no one to answer to, know one to call and check in, no one to fret over, and no one to worry about. When he's gone, I'm single without the random hookups and flirting. My biggest decision at night is what to eat, whether to take a walk, what to crochet, and what to watch on TV. My biggest decision in the morning is whether I should wash my hair. The bathroom is always free, the TV is always mine, I never have to look for that item Paul had put away. Life is a lot simpler without him home. So what I've learned... I'd do just fine without him. I'd miss him, but I'd be good as gold.

So right now I'm teetering in the best of both worlds. I have my self-supporting independence, my empty home, my free spirit, but I also have a man who loves me, someone to call when I feel down, someone to visit or come home to when I need to cuddle (maybe not at the moment I wish, but eventually).

So yeah, I changed too, because now I know ... that I'm fine... with or without him.

He's changed... I think because he realizes that too. Why else would he ask about bachelor parties in Amsterdam? Why else would he choose a school in Boston rather than NY? Why else would he pick an internship in Chicago rather than NYC? I know some of it is because they are great opportunities... but so am I. And he chose them, not me. And I guess that's okay. For now. But one day... hopefully before our wedding... I want to know that we'll choose each other before something else. That living 'our dream' is OURS not mine or his. That we would sacrifice individual successes and happiness for a joined happiness and success. I hope that we shift back into what I thought we once had... but maybe never did...

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