Friday, May 14, 2010

What I need

I need a break. A break from myself. A break from all things stressing me out at the moment. I am considering a vacation. Maybe California? I just want to lay on a beach ... and relax.

Live has thrown me a few curve balls this month and I can't help but let it get me down. I know that all around me people have their own hardships and gripes. Babies are dying, people are starving, oil is spilling, animals are perishing, homes are flooding, etc... but right now, I'm facing this battle and it's hard for me.

I've tried yet again... an email, a phone call, and nothing...

Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. Before all this, we were given an invitation to a family BBQ at 3:30PM. But, is that still on? Do we assume it's still on because she didn't email us saying it is canceled or do we assume it's canceled because we haven't heard from her in weeks?

I'm going to go. I have to. Just in case. I want to show my brother that I'll be around no matter what. That I'll love him no matter what. And that he can count on me.

Once it's over... whatever happens has happened and I'll need to deal with it then. Until then, the stress of what may come is becoming overwhelming. But really... do I fear my own feelings... not too much. I know what it feels like to be hurt. I know what it feels like to be neglected. What I'm nervous about is my sister... who calls me daily to ask if I'd heard from my mother & uses me as her pillar. But, honestly, I can't be that for her anymore. I fear my grandmother who is already suffering so much... to feel worse. I fear my uncle, who has been known to get violent and enraged when situations do not happen the way he expected or planned. I fear my brother, having an awful 6th birthday. I fear my sister... 11 and already showing signs of stress, worry, and confusion. She hurts inside and hides it. She hides a lot. And she's still a child. Those are the things I fear.

I suspect tomorrow I'll be driving home in tears. I'll be worried and stressed and sad. But I won't count on any of those things happening... I'll just hope... like always... hope it will be okay.

So yeah, I need a break. I need to get away. Even if it's only for a few hours like last Saturday at the green market & battery park. Maybe Sunday will be better. I hope to get some light cleaning done, head over and pick up my wedding dress and then maybe hit joann fabrics for some stuff I need to finish the bags I've crocheted. Hopefully that will do the trick.

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