Sanctuary

Your home is your sanctuary. It's supposed to be the place you can be in to feel at peace. It's a place you should be able to run away to when you need to get away from all the stress of the outside world. However, much of my life has been running from the inside of my home in order to get away from the stress of my inside world.

Growing up I had a house filled with crazy... between drunken fights, crazy violent uncles, an absent mother and all that came in between, I found myself seeking refuge in my friends and at school. Moments to get away were always cherished.

In college, I found dorm life to be awful my freshman year. My roommate was nothing short of a slut and our door seemed to open constantly in the middle of the night for random men. It was unsafe and uncomfortable on many levels. Soon I found that living alone was the only way for me to feel truly comfortable. But sometimes, you are your own worse enemy.

Shortly after moving into my 1st apartment, I found that partying, drinking, and hanging with friends on top of juggling a demanding full time job, kept me from keeping up the responsibility of keeping a clean and tidy house. My home became nothing short of a pig sty.

Moving to Manhattan with Paul was just as difficult as college. We fought often and had no escape due to the tight quarters. Moving back to Queens was helpful. We had more space to spread out, we had our family and friends to use as an outlet, and we had the practice of being roommates under our belt.

Now I'm in Boston, in an unfamiliar city with no friends and even less family. I have little support here and what little I get from my husband hasn't proved to be enough. But what I have had was my home. This apartment has become my sanctuary. Until tonight. I feel ill, I feel tired, and I'm in pain. I'm also an emotionally charged mess. I desperately need time alone... and instead my husband comes home to tell me his brother and his girlfriend may come over... and late at that. No letting me know in advance. No asking if that would be cool ... you know... since I'm obviously nothing feeling well on 2 levels (physically & emotionally). No ... I just get told this is happening and my sanctuary has been pulled out from under me.

I know it's his brother. I know it's a situation where you can't say no... but really, couldn't he suggest maybe a game of pool or a movie. Why do they need to come here... now... when they were invited time and time again last week and our invitations went ignored. I'm pissed, I'm tired and I'm cranky... and I just want my freaking house to myself.

And damn it I don't care how childish I sound! I'm aloud to be angry, pissed, hurt and frustrated once in a while. I think I've damned well earned it with all the bull shit I have to put up with.