Tuesday, July 20, 2010

How the hell does THAT happen.

I'm so angry right now... angry and confused. Paul and I did not exchange birthday gifts this year. We didn't really know what we wanted... well I did, I just didn't get it. And therefore we ended up not exchanging. Today I perused the sale section of the J.Crew website and found this bathing suit I am completely in love with.

1st of all... how cute is this suit? The straps are removable for tan line avoiding and yet it's re-attachable for water fun. It's ultra feminine and the peach color is divine. It's just such a cute little retro suit. I love it... the best part is it's on sale! A J.Crew swimsuit for less than $50!

I sent the link over to Paul and asked that this suit be my late birthday gift. I just picture toting my beach towel over to the beach now. How exciting! We are hoping to go away somewhere beachy this August.... how perfect... a new suit!

But no - instead of getting the answer I had hoped... "Sure honey, that would look adorable on you" or even the one I didn't hope... "No honey, I don't like that suit"___ I got something far worse. It began with "negative. you are not allowed to wear a one piece until after you have kids. what are you, 40?" and then it ended in "if you want to feel confident and sex, work out. not trying to be a dick, but if you are not comfortable in a bathingsuit, change your body, not the suit."

I love that statement... it's like... No offense, BUT.... You DO mean offense... because if you didn't you wouldn't have said it! Anyway ... how in the heck did me thinking the suit above was adorable translate into a conversation of my self esteem, self confidence and weight?

I of course went into how you don't need to let your whole body hang out to look sexy and beautiful to which he responded with this gem - if you are "hanging out" then get a bigger size.

I sometimes have to wonder what I'm getting into marrying such an insensitive oaf. The same one who smacked my ass and told me it jiggled down to my ankles. Am I marrying a man who will give me self esteem issues? Am I marrying a man who will ridicule me for all my flaws?

He told me to stop making excuses and get in shape. I must be honest... I need to work out. I need to get in shape... but not because I'm fat or ugly. Just because It would be healthier for me to do so. I'm bigger than most. I am most definitely curvy and those curves are exactly what I love about my body. I have a full figure... full of delicious feminine curves!

He also managed to tell me this when I asked him how the conversation went in this direction... "i didn't attack. i just think that liking the style and color are not the end of the story.
we have both struggled with weight since we met. and i feel that sometimes you "settle" and accept it instead of being proactive about it. i struggle to be proactive about it but i will never settle"

I am so frustrated at the moment. I don't struggle with losing weight. I struggle with doing something to actually have to struggle to lose weight. But a lot of that has to do with me being unmotivated. I am not upset with myself when I look in the mirror... well I am but that's because my skin has changed and my face is starting to age. As a woman who wears no makeup it becomes apparently clear that I may need to start.

I am hurt... very hurt. I just honestly can't stand it anymore. If I am okay with myself, why can't anyone else be? This after I told Paul I don't believe in wedding diets. I'm me, I look like me... and I want to look like me at my wedding, not a skeleton of my former self. This coming from the person who claims I'm beautiful with and without clothes. This coming from the son of the woman who managed to say I needed to go on a diet before the wedding... even though she has had lipo and still likely takes up a bit more than 1 seat on the airplane. Really? People need to worry about themselves and stop worrying about me. I'm 5'7'' and 155lbs. I have a 30 inch waist and 42.5 inch hips. I have a 36 inch bust. I'm curvy and I'm beautiful... now step off my shit!

Yes, my booty really is that size!

Yes, I'm a size 8-10 and yes, I can still wear a bikini and
let someone take my picture that I'm willing to share with the world.
- and yes, there are ones where I wouldnt.

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