Friday, July 16, 2010

Trust vs Jealousy

I read a post by my cousin today discussing the story of a friend of hers. To make a long story short... he trusted his wife, was a doting husband, and thought he had a decent enough marriage. He picked up her phone one day to find a social media site ... though she made him delete all of his (due to her jealousy). When he confronted her, she acted very defensively and even angry. He later joined FB and she would not accept any friend requests from him nor allow him to list her as his wife. In the end, through a dummy account, he found out that she was flirting with other men and possibly meeting them for ''innocent'' drinks. This hurt fueled him to friend ever woman, ex, and pretty face he found on Facebook. After a few seemingly innocent flirting back and forth with another woman, they met - but did not sleep together. Feeling guilty, he told his wife. They are now getting divorced.

This made my mind wander in so many directions. Part of me wanted to shake my head. Do you ever hear a story that seems like a train wreck in slow motion... you cringe before the ending because you already know whats going to happen? It was sorta like that... but at the same time, I wanted to laugh. In the end... Facebook ruined their marriage. But really it didn't. Their marriage was ruined way before Facebook entered the picture.

Then I also began to think of jealousy in general... as well as trust. I'm an overly trusting person when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I'm so secure that people have to give me that, "what you talkin' bout, Willis?" face. But I am trusting... and believe that's how good relationships are based. In the end though, this man was also trusting... and look where it left him... in the middle of a divorce, being both deceived and deceitful. Am I too trustful? There is definitely what can be referred to as a healthy dose of jealousy in any relationship. It's natural to feel a little possessive of those you care about.

Then I thought about trust on it's own. I've always thought to myself that there are two very clear motivators for trust issues in a relationship... your past and your trust within yourself.

I think it's fair to say that any man or woman who has been the victim of adultery would feel nervous and have trouble trusting their future partners. It's self defense. They felt what hurt someone can make them feel by infidelity and they don't want to feel that again. But their new partner may be faithful and be punished for someone else's past actions. If they love each other, they'd need to work on it. The partner would need to be patient and talk things through. Maybe even be overly open about details that would normally not need to be communicated. And the victim of infidelity would need to give it an honest effort to not see cheater in every new partner that comes along.

I also think that people who have cheated in the past, thought about cheating, or came close to cheating are generally more insecure about being cheated on than the average person who does not have these feelings or past. When you know how easy it could be, you wonder how easy it could be for them. If you have cheated and know that you can still look yourself in the mirror the next day and sleep in your bed next to your mate at night with nearly no consequence but a slightly cracked vision of yourself... you realize how easy it can be.

Clearly, I am no expert on the issue. Nor am I a therapist of any kind. But from my own experiences and understanding, these are my 2 cents. And that's all they are likely worth.

I hope all you out there are never on either side of infidelity.

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